Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Rabid Sheep

The average sheepie is a pretty placid sort of creature.  Sheepies mostly just wander around being fluffy and stopping periodically to graze.  At least I think that's how it works with sheepies.  Truth be told, I don't really have the data to back that up.  It's just one of those assumptions I've held since before I can remember.

That said, I don't think that people really understand how a sheepie can be provoked.  You can push a sheepie too far and then there will be all sorts of sheepie havoc all over the place.  

Like most sheepies, I am normally pretty placid.  I am also given to grazing but I'm less about the grass than I am the black and white cookies.  Still, there are parallels.  Included among them is my ability to be pushed to the breaking point.  

Now, I can't think of a reason why a person might feel the need to irritate a sheepie.  Further, I really don't wish to ponder too deeply the reasons why a person might want to irritate this particular Sheepie.  But, just in case you ever find yourself in need of an irritated Sheepie, here are a few pointers that might help you out:

First Irritant:  Schedule three straight weeks of achievement testing during Sheepie's preparatory periods.  For this to be really effective, you probably should make sure that she is in a new job at a new school.  You would score big points should you happen to schedule this testing after reassigning Sheepie to The Bad Job At The Middle School That No One Else Will Take And Which Requires All Her Time And Energy To Manage.

Second Irritant:  Corral her into a meeting first thing in the morning.  Make sure that it is the one that she was planning on skipping because she is short staffed that day.  Get her to think that the meeting is about rescheduling the testing for this morning.  That will bring her a-runnin'!  Once you have her there, do not mention testing.  Talk about everything but testing.  Then make sure that you remind everyone present that the paperwork following student planning meetings must be done within 14 calendar days of that meeting.  Lastly, be sure that Sheepie had one of those meetings 7 days ago.  Don't tell her until this meeting that she has a time limit on the paperwork.  It's more fun that way.

Third Irritant:  While Sheepie is frantically trying to write up the paperwork from that meeting, send her an email reminding her that progress reports are due.  This, in and of itself, will not be all that irritating.  Sheepie knows that progress reports are due.  What Sheepie doesn't know is that she cannot do the handwritten versions that she has been doing since before forever.  No.  Tell Sheepie that she has to use The Very Convoluted And Complicated Computer Program to do this.  You know the one I mean.  The one that requires you shift between two programs and that you have already input a great deal of data that she hasn't put in yet.  Yeah...that one.  

Then tell her she has a day and half to do this before the whole system slams shut so that printing may commence.  Her head will explode.  It'll be wicked cool...

Fourth Irritant:  Now this one is vital.  You have to make certain that Sheepie has been involved in Safety Procedures training and out of the classroom for a bit.  That way she will be well and truly behind in her day to day work and that the addition of all this stupid stuff will send her right over the edge.

That should just about do it.  You'll have a usually placid Sheepie foaming at the mouth.  She may even give up gentle bleating for rabid snarling.  Her schedule will change dramatically and she will be forced to set aside the scarf in progress in order that she might attend to all this stupidity.  

This is, of course, just a general set of guidelines.  You can improvise if you want.  Sometimes a unique opportunity presents itself and you just know that it will make a good Sheepie Irritant. 

For example, if you happen to be of the Big and Fluffy variety, you might want to wait until the day after Sheepie shampoos the carpets and then hork up a gigantic hairball/puke blob onto it.  That is one of those precious moments that you kind of have to seize.  You can't predict the expulsion of hairball/puke blobs, particularly if there haven't been any in a while.  It is certainly worth it, though.  The whole Irritation Scale is tipped beyond measure once she comes home to see that.

Thank God this is a short week.  That's all I have to say...

Well, ex-cuse me!  How the heck was I supposed to know that it was everyone else's turn to irritate you today?  



Kath said...

Dude, you had me at "meeting first thing in the morning". I refuse to even wake up for such silliness. Plying me with coffee & donuts may induce me to open my eyes and feign wakefulness, but trust me - just 'cause the lights are on doesn't mean anyone's home.

I think it might do Sheepie some good to vent at the Powers That Be, doesn't seem like it could hurt! And I have to wonder - what the heck are the Less Than Cheerful Teaching Assistants doing if not helping out with this junk? Or freeing you up so that you have time to deal with it???

I'm sure BFK had no idea her timing was so bad. Unfortunately the beasties do have a sixth sense for freshly cleaned carpets!

Donna Lee said...

I saw some yarn on etsy and thought of you and maybe you can use a laugh right about now so I'll include the link


It's zombie yarn, with little zombie heads spun into it. I'm not sure what you would do with it but I thought about ordering some just to keep it around cause it's so cute. And very scary.

Anonymous said...

Did Sheepie have a rough day today? Now you have a hint as to why people get out of education.


trek said...

I have one word for you today, Sheepie:


knitseashore said...

You had a Monday on a Tuesday. That so does not seem fair.

I think BFK is going for the "perfect older sister" award, since she's the only one who didn't tick you off today.

Leigh said...

Whew, If it was me, I'd just stay out of Sheepie's way.

Lynne said...

We use a specially formulated dry food from Science Diet called "Hairball Control" or something similar - and you know what, it really works! This may ease one particularly irritating behaviour for Sheepie.

Karen said...

I think I see why no one wanted that job. Good luck.

Mia said...

Aw Sheepie.. i thought it was just a given that immediately following a thorough rug shampooing (and allowing for a minute for said shampooer to admire her effort) there will come something vile and sure to leave a stain from the mouth of a small dog or a very large cat.

As for me.. I had my black and white cookie for breakfast this morning. Truth!

Cursing Mama said...

I just want to know why all cats think "oh my I'm going to hork something gross up - I should run from this easy to see danger and easy to clean vinyl for the the impossible to see danger and difficult to clean carpet"

I even gave a talk on it once, but clearly nobody listened.

Toque said...

The only good thing about getting laid off and not working is no more morning meetings. I feel your pain.


Jeanne said...

Shampooing a carpet, washing the car, and washing the horse share one similarity--the moment you're done, it gets messy again. The carpet gets hurled upon, the skies decide to rain, and the horse runs for the sand pile for a roll and becomes a mud-caked mess. It's a law.

Hopefully Wednesday was better!

Knitting Linguist said...

Clearly, it's time for all the potential irritants to get together and split up your calendar -- they're stacking up too much!

Don't you just love random computer programs that They assign us to use to Make Our Lives Easier (to which I always want to ask, whose life?)?