WNBP: Sixes, Snow Days And Pickle Trees

Greetings from the windswept northeast! Today's storm took its predicted course almost to the minute and we are well past the snow portion of the festivities. Now we have rain. And some wind. Not nearly the wind that other people are getting, mind you. But enough that I can still call it a storm and be fully engaged in Preparatory Mode. I like P-Mode. It makes me feel powerful and in control of the situation.

An illusion, but fun nevertheless.

However, it wouldn't do for me to forget to post the Wednesday Night Bullets, now would it? So let's take a break from watching the skies and putting up water in case the stuff falling from the sky isn't enough and take a look at today's highlights:

*Got the call around 5:00 this morning.

*Snow Day!!!!!

*Which is really more of a Rain Day, but it was snowing at the time of the call so it still counts.

*Plus I didn't go to school so it's six of one, half a dozen of another...

*I knit some more on that mitt thingie I showed before.

*Then I got to the thumb and didn't feel I should go any further since it might distract me from P-Mode.

*Or I didn't feel like dealing with it. Whatever...

*I put up the Christmas tree, too.

*I have a plethora of green lights.

*There is a definite lack of symmetry going on with my lights.

*But they aren't blinking so that's OK.

*Waff-ooz for breakfast this morning!!!

*Snow Day tradition.

*Blueberry.

*Traditions are important.

*As is getting fruit in the diet.

*Syrup is not a fruit.

*Nor is butter.

*Juice is a fruit.

*I never drink juice.

*Just sayin' is all...

*I had big plans for this day. Lots would get done.

*Started strong.

*Faded fast.

*Spent most of the day playing on the computer.

*Found this in my daily WikiHow update.

*Thought it might be helpful in the event of a natural disaster and the destruction of all crochet hooks.

*It is not good for me to get a daily WikiHow update.

*I start thinking about making stuff that I have no business making.

*Made a camp stove last summer out of a coffee can.

*I don't camp.

*Did I mention that I put the whole tree up all by myself?

*It is mostly lit with green lights and a little bit crooked.

*But it's up.

*And twinkling like a big, festive pickle.

*The downside of a Snow Day is going back to school the next day.

*I have Friday off.

*Yay!

*Dentist appointment.

*Boo!!!!

*Hate my dentist.

*Love having a Friday off.

*Six of one...

So there's a Snow Day/Wednesday for you in bullet point form! The day went quickly and wasn't nearly as fraught with winter emergencies as it could have been, but that's OK. I had a nice day anyway. And I only have to get through one more school day and an hour in the dentist's chair before the weekend is upon me! All in all, a nice wrap up to the week.

And I have that nice Kosher Dill Christmas Tree to enjoy as well!!

SA

Involuntary Clenching

OK. The first thing you should know is that it was cold this morning. Wicked cold! I had to scrape the ice from the windshield before I could drive. It is important that you know about the cold before you pass judgement.

I was all clenchy from the cold. That is what happens. You feel the chill and you tense up. I do not control the weather. I do not control involuntary muscle reactions. You should factor that in, too. It's science. You have to acknowledge it.

And is it my fault that cars take a while to warm up? Sure, I could have gone out earlier to start the car, but that is wasteful. And not good for the planet. Plus, I already get up at 5:00 and leave by 6:00. There isn't much "earlier." If I leave any sooner, I'd be into yesterday. That is time and space and the universe talking. I do not control any of that stuff either.

Are we clear on all this? Do we understand the incredible forces against which I was working this morning? I certainly hope so. Because otherwise, you might start tittering and giggling at my expense and that would hardly be fair under the circumstances.

There I was, all cold and clenched up from the shivering while driving from the manse out to the main road. I needed to take a right. That is also not my fault. It is just the direction in which I have to travel so I can get to work. I have to do lots of stuff like look both ways, turn the wheel and adjust the volume on the radio. It is a busy time. And that's when it happened.

I threw out my back. Turning the steering wheel of my car. But it is not my fault because I was clenchy and it is easy to tweak a back muscle when you are turning right from a clenched position while still maintaining a good radio volume and looking for other cars.

That muscle stayed firmly torqued throughout the whole 40 minute commute to school. It did not release me from its iron grasp until I got out of the car and stood. It's a good thing I am fully aware of the effects of clenching, shivering, volume control and safe driving. Otherwise, I might start thinking I am old and capable of hurting myself by sitting in a motor vehicle...

I should probably start warming up and stretching before driving to work. It is winter. There are many more opportunities for me to hurt myself doing absolutely nothing. It looks like another chance will present itself tomorrow. There's a whopper of a storm coming in. I'm 90% sure we will be having at least a delayed start to school. I'm 75% sure we won't be going at all, but I'm hedging my bets on that one. Should the former be the case, I have to teach the Safety Procedures class all day and it won't be a good time to have a clenchy back. I'm going to need to be limber.

Should the latter come to pass, I won't need to spend an hour or so getting out of chokeholds. I won't have to be quite so limber, but I'd hate to waste a snow day with a sore back. I have a Christmas tree to put up and some knitting to do.

Fingerless mitts. You can't have enough of 'em. They help ward off the cold and the clenching.

The cold weather is upon us. There is no denying it. Stretching out a bit seems like the wise course of action. You never know. I might hurt myself changing the channel or scratching my nose...

SA

Five Foot Radius

I am a rational and logical person whose very existence revolves around clear thinking and pooh-poohing superstition. I think in a linear fashion. I do not go flitting off on flights of fancy. I believe in things that are real, like science and accounting and zombies.

However, even I am forced to believe in supernatural forces every now and again. When faced with incontrovertible evidence, I will concede the point.

Thus, it is with so reservations whatsoever that I announce my having been cursed. Sure, I bumbled along for a while spouting some nonsense about coincidence but I'm over that now. Curses get mad when you fail to cower before them. In fact, they get downright nasty. Let me walk you down the path I've traversed over the past week or so:

*The Friday before last, the police showed up at my door in response to a 911 call that I did not make.

*That same Friday, the phone company discovered multiple problems on my line including a tendency to call law enforcement. I was advised to disconnect the phones until they could fix the problem.

*My Big, Fluffy Kitty stole my turkey sandwich during all the excitement. She was discovered dragging it across the living room and looking as happy as I've ever seen her.

*The phones remained off for a week. There were challenges. Among them was the fact that the phone company couldn't find where I lived or remember my cell number so they could call me for directions.

*The power went out at school twice. Buses were delayed. Alarms went off. Emergency personnel were dispatched. Many school phones were injured in the making of this disaster and some took a full day to recover.

*My cell phone froze, unable to deal with my data plan. Or the curse.

*My internet went in and out in response to the problems with my "real" phones.

*The heating controls in my classroom went haywire and we were subjected to temperatures more commonly enjoyed by camels.

*When I tried to take my mind off all this curse-related activity with a little movie watching, I discovered that my DVD player had died.

It all came to a head yesterday when the cashier at the grocery store dropped my 18-count box of eggs. She looked at me in horror, obviously realizing that she was dealing with someone who should not be out mingling with the regular folk. I should come with a warning label. Orange cones should be placed around me so that no one comes within five feet of me. Homeland Security should be issuing an alert of some kind. Had I left my phones on for much longer, I am certain that this would have happened. It was only a matter of time before the crazed devices called that particular agency...

Once you accept a curse, you sort of feel better, though. You start to take pleasure in the little things. Sure, you have to watch the ceiling to make sure it's not about to fall on your head. Otherwise, it's not so bad being stuck in the house and afraid of making contact with other humans. You can catch up on stuff like the ankle socks you started last summer but didn't finish. In fact, once the snow starts falling and the temperatures plummet, you are highly motivated to do just that.

You don't even care how weird ribbed socks look off the foot.

You may be saying, "Sheepie! Those socks look like you finished them, wore them to bed, still had them on today and only took them off long enough to take a picture! Why, I can even see a bit of lint from your flannel sheets there!!!"

You would be correct. I don't deny it. These babies have been warming my tootsies since last night and I don't care who knows it. I'll probably still have them on when I retire this very night because it is cold.

And when you are cursed, things like frostbite and the loss of toes aren't out of the question...

SA

Humor Me

I lost my internet connection last night. After having gone nearly a week without working phones and being told repeatedly that "someone will be there to take a look by 6:00, ma'am," this was adding insult to injury.

Worse, I couldn't do the Wednesday Night Bullet Post!!!!!! If you would be so kind as to indulge me, I'd like to rectify that situation right now. Let the bullets fly!!!

*There was a "spirited" discussion with the phone company today.

*The aforementioned discussion was conducted from my office while I consulted with students on their math worksheets.

*Dunno who was more disgruntled by the end of it, the students, the phone lady or myself...

*Phones were working when I got home.

*As was the internet.

*I have become obsessed with the Cirque du Freak series.

*Burning through a book a night at this point.

*Starts off all light and breezy in a dark and draughty sort of way.

*Then gets unbelievably grim.

*Good stuff...

*I have what can best be described as a "situation" going on in my sinuses.

*I won't go into detail because that would be unseemly.

*Gave birth through my left nostril today.

*'Nuff said.

*No more fever, though.

*I'm going to finish a sock this weekend.

*That will make a pair and then I will post a picture.

*FO in the future.

*Stock up on your smelling salts and fainting couches.

*It was a lovely spring day today.

*65 degrees and sunny once the torrential rains stopped falling.

*This would be heavenly were it not for the fact that it is December 3rd and that it was too hot to go Christmas shopping.

*My sinuses were confused. Maybe they think they have allergies?

*Did I mention how the heat controls near my classroom broke?

*Stuck on "Surface Of The Sun" setting.

*The Kid Who Doesn't Have An Off Switch has been rather clingy of late.

*Can't function unless Ms. Sheep is within four feet.

*Makes it hard to teach the rest of the class.

*Scene in the office this afternoon:

Ms. Sheep: Hello, Mrs. Secretary Who Sits At The Front Desk! I would like to report that the heat is on upstairs and that The Kid Who Doesn't Have An Off Switch found this hunk of electronics in the hallway.

Mrs. Secretary Who Sits At The Front Desk: What the heck is that?

MS: The control to the heating system in the hall.

MSWSATFD: Why was it on the floor?

MS: Zombies would be my first guess. Next, I'd suggest that one of the kids ripped it out of the wall. Again.

Kid Who Doesn't Have An Off Switch: (exiting the office) I don't feel so good. I'm gonna go down and see the nurse...

MS: (mumbling) You sure the umbilical cord will reach that far?

MSWSATFD: (collapses on the front desk in uncontrollable laughter because she has seen Ms. Sheep wandering around with TKWDHAOS in tow for weeks now)

*The heat was fixed.

*Then the power went out.

*And all the alarms went off.

*And the police came.

*With firetrucks.

*Which entertained TKWDHAOS endlessly.

Phew! I feel better now! All those bullets were getting backed up in my system and I was feeling a bit bloat-y. Now they are free and the only pressure is coming from my sinus cavities. That is a relief. Now all I have to do is survive one more day of fun and adventure in the public school system and then I can be a weekender.

With working phones. And internet. And decongestants.

SA

Total Lack Of Communication

I am normally one who finds both comfort and giggles in the little things. The big stuff? It's just a part of life. Something goes wrong...you deal. I'm pretty good at finding perspective.

That sock I'm knitting? And how it's almost done? That would keep me going for a week!

When Mr. Principal made us all wave lit flashlights in the air to prove that our emergency kits were still working before we left the staff meeting today? Well, that's freakin' adorable!!! All those lights shining brightly against the library ceiling were like little beacons of hope in a world where power can (and did just yesterday) go out.

Alas, my sense of humor has abandoned me at the moment. I'm certain it will return. Other people aren't even aware that it has left the building. I was the laugh-riot of the staff meeting today and no less than two people told me so. But, deep down, I know that I'm just phoning it in.

Or I would. If I had working phones.

Yesterday, I called the phone company to see how things were going with repairs. Here's how it went:

Phone Lady: And how may I assist you today?

Sheepish Annie: I'm calling to check on my phones? I miss having a phone. The smoke signals just aren't working out and I don't know Morse Code.

PL: Let's see...OK. I have the repair ticket right here. Noise on the line, right?

SA: Um, yeah. That's part of it. I honestly think the fact that my phones are independently calling 911 is more of an issue, but whatever gets the job done.

PL: Your phones are doing WHAT????

SA: You heard me.

PL: Well, you're on the list for sometime between now and 6:00 tonight. We'll get right on that!

SA: Bless you.

I called again today. From my cell phone. Which should give you some indication how things are going with my phones.

Other Phone Lady: And how may I assist you today?

Sheepish Annie: Phones. Not working. Now totally dead. So not cool.

OPL: Well, lets see here. I've got it. Static on the line right?

SA: Are you kidding me? Look. I don't want to tell you how to do your job but, if it were me, I'd put "phones dialing 911 without human assistance" at the top of that list. "Static on the line" doesn't lend the necessary air of urgency I'd like to see.

OPL: Your phones are doing WHAT???

It seems that the repair crews were unable to locate my home yesterday and that the number I left for a call-back wasn't recorded. I gave detailed directions to my home, was reassured that I would not need to be there for the repairs and hung up hoping that tomorrow will bring me a dial tone. I miss the outside world. And my cell phone is not working very well either. It's only a matter of time before I resort to carrier pigeons and I hear they are tough to maintain. I don't even know what to feed them.

Add to all this the beginnings of a nasty cold and I have lost my sense of humor. It's gone. As I said, it will return. Funny never goes far. When it wanders back, I will once again find joy in the things like flashlight beams dancing on the ceiling and whatnot.

Back when my funny bone was vibrating in time with the universe, I got a giggle out of people thinking the cats might have dialed 911 the other day. The very image of that is quite funny. However, the felines are innocent. There is only one phone they can reach and it was beside me in its cradle at the time of "the incident." Frankly, I would have preferred that it be a cat. That has less sinister overtones when compared to phones dialing for assistance independent of human hands.

No. The felines have other things to do. While I deal with such things as communication with the outside world, they remain locked in battle over the stupid box. I've tried to throw it away. They won't let me. They love this stupid box. They each hate that the other loves it equally. They do not care about the phones.

They just take turns staking out the box.

Yeah, that's right buddy. Just keep moving.

SA

Some Of It's Awesome...

Anyone reading my tweets from Friday knows that things got kind of "exciting" for a moment there. I had a couple of choices for blogging topics when I returned to the interwebs yesterday. Since I was all flush with triumph following my NANOWRIMO win, I opted to go with that. It was a nice, positive thing. Plus, as I said, I was flushed. You can't be flushed and not share.

I hear tell you'll explode with the flushiness. That could be messy.

Now, however, the flush has faded somewhat and it seems safe to tell the tale of Friday. It is a tale of intrigue, excitement and mystery. There was also a bit of grand theft and I'm pretty sure there was a bullet proof vest involved at one point. You'll like this one. It probably should have been my NANOWRIMO novel, now that I think of it...

With Thanksgiving behind me and lots of leftover turkey ahead, I was looking forward to Friday. There was no more baking to be done. Just a rainy and and the long anticipated viewing of the Deadliest Catch marathon. I still had to put in some writing time, but it would be at my leisure. I wasn't even deterred by the sudden need to make a grocery store run. It was all working out. Heck, I even got back to work on that sock I started last summer!

Around noon, I was settled in with a nice turkey/bagel sandwich and watching the crab fleet plow their way through a season long since past. Suddenly, there was a frantic pounding on the door! I set down my sandwich to investigate. I don't get much of the frantic door pounding so I figured it might be important. Otherwise, I never would have relinquished that sandwich. Ever.

I opened the door to find two police officers. This isn't all that unusual. They come here all the time to visit my next door neighbors. The neighbors are not exceptionally bad people...just lacking in good judgement sometimes.

And before you get all concerned about the quality of my neighborhood, relax. Most of the local crack dealers are former students and are fond of me. They like nothing better than to reminisce with dear old Ms. Sheep about those magical days of yore when all they had to take care of was the limited distribution of middle school weed. That was a happier time without all the stress of big business.

Before I could direct these two fine officers to the crack dealers and my neighbors door, the female half of the duo barked:

We've received a 911 call from this number ma'am and we're here to check on your well-being."

It was then I noticed their rather grim demeanors and questioned why they were wearing bullet proof vests in my nice, quiet hallway. I assured them that I had made no such call, that I had not touched the phones all day and that my being was as well as it ever had been. They seemed unconvinced. I said it again. Then repeated it.

A check in with dispatch revealed that the call had, indeed, come from my number. My phones have been wonky for a while now. Recently, they've gotten worse. But dialing 911? That's just too much!

I called the phone company:

Phone Dude: And what is the problem with your service, ma'am?

Sheepish Annie: I have multiple problems. Noise on the line. Dropped calls. But that is the least of my worries because now my phone is independently dialing 911. Two police officers just left and it would be a understatement to say that they are not amused.

PD: Seriously?

SA: Seriously.

PD: Are you calling from that number now?

SA: Are you kidding me? I'm on my cell. I don't dare to touch my stupid phones in case they decide to suddenly call the fire department or the navy!!!!

PD: (chuckling) Yeah. That would be bad.

SA: And then some.

PD: Let me run a check on the line. Can you hold a minute?

I could. I had nothing else to do. I sat there thinking about how nice it was that the police in my town responded so quickly to a damsel in distress and wondered if they would ever do so again in the future. Finally, Phone Dude came back.

Apparently, there are multiple problems on my line. All of which were written up on the repair ticket and most of which couldn't be addressed during a holiday weekend. I understood. It wasn't phone dude's fault. He can't make technicians appear out of thin air and I had the cell for emergencies. He promised to call back when things were taken care of and we agreed that I should disconnect my phones before Homeland Security showed up for leftover pie and stuffing.

(If anyone thinks I kid about the way these conversations go, rest assured I do not. I tend to go to an hysterical place when I'm stressed. I say things. Weird things...)

I hung up the cell and raced around unplugging phones. I also called the Police Department back to let them know that my phones were no longer functional and to disregard any calls that may have come in over the last fifteen minutes. They seemed confused by this, but were polite because that's what you do with crazy people. They are trained for this sort of thing.

When it was over, I sat down on the couch. I was exhausted. Then I remembered my nice turkey/bagel sandwich. I deserved that sandwich after all I'd been through. I reached for it...but it wasn't there.

That's when I happened to notice a certain Big Fluffy Kitty dragging something across the floor in what can only be described as a "furtive" manner. She had absconded with what was left of my lunch while I dealt with the police and the phones.

I gave up. That is the point where you have to acknowledge defeat. I took the sandwich away and trashed it. I emailed anyone who might try to call me and worry when they didn't get through. I ate pie for lunch. That is all you can do.

Fortunately for my mental health, I was watching the Discovery Channel all day. They've updated their signature ad and, somehow, it seemed they did it just for me. There are several versions, none quite as good as the original, but there are some very cool moments. And it does put things into perspective after twenty or so viewings.

SA

The Write Stuff

I was going to call this post, "Why I'm Living In Squalor" but I thought it might be a little off-putting to the readers. It's not that it is an untrue statement for I am, at the moment, living in squalor. I just didn't think it was such a good idea to call attention to it, is all...

I have always wanted to try participating in NANOWRIMO. It seems like such an "authorly" thing to do and what could be cooler than that? I never did it, though. The first stumbling block I always encountered was forgetfulness. I could never seem to remember when the event started. The second issue was sweet reason itself. The very idea of writing a 50,000 word novel in 30 days is madness. I was sure that there were professional writer-types who could pull it off. But that's their job. I have to do other stuff that involves commuting and telling myself that retirement is growing closer by the day. I don't have the kind of time it takes to write a zillion words that make sense.

But I still always thought it was a kind of keen idea, even if it wasn't for me...

This year, I actually had a bit of a heads up. One of my favorite knit bloggers/wordsmiths wrote a post about signing up for NANOWRIMO. I cheered for her, happy to know that I could at least be a part of it vicariously. And, secretly, I wished I'd done it myself.

However the month had begun, the writers were all busily pecking away at their keyboards and I had missed it again. So sad. Maybe next year...

Midway through the first week in November, I happened to think of a kind of cool sentence. That sentence sort of wandered into a paragraph and, together, they kept going. I thought I might jot it all down in case it wanted to grow up to become something. I also thought that it might have been nice had I come up with this before NANOWRIMO started. Then I could have played along except for the part about my not being able to write 50,000 words in a month.

By the end of the first weekend of November, I had 8000 words jotted down. The sentence had grown! I thought that it might be fun to participate in NANOWRIMO in a kind of unofficial way. You know...just to see how far I'd get. Of course I wasn't going to sign up, though. It was too late.

My goals were simple:

1. Write 50,000 words by the end of the month. (Even though that is impossible)

2. Finish the story by the 30th. (Sheepie has a tendency to over-write and to depend on narrative summary more than any human being ever should. Things start to get big, messy and bogged down when Sheepie writes for any length of time.)

3. Tell no one because 50,000 words ain't gonna happen and we like our failures to come with as few witnesses as possible.

I went to the site to see what the rules were so I could follow them from the safety of my own living room. There, I discovered that this was a rather forgiving lot and that first draft novel writing was considered more of a free writing process than anything else. Padding sentences to boost the word count was even encouraged! (editors may now gasp in horror) I was also surprised to see that my own word counts weren't all that far from that of the "official" participants.

Things got a little fuzzy after that and I may have blacked out for a second. All I know is that, when I came to my senses...I'd signed up for NANOWRIMO. On November 12th.

Let me remind everyone here of the situation: 50,000 words. In 30 days. Unless you sign up on the twelfth. Then you have less. "Impossible" was now "Stupid and Impossible"

So began my descent. In a frenzy of word mashing, I managed to catch up to where I was supposed to be word-wise in that first weekend. I dutifully uploaded new words every day and waited to see if the validator would agree with my word processor. It never did. It always cheated me out of fifty words and I had grumpily type more to satisfy it. This was the sum total of my existence.

The housework, what little I ever did of it, was left undone. I ate a lot of cereal. The cats were fed and sometimes I remembered to change the litter. If I had real children, they would currently be in state custody and I'd be sitting with a stern caseworker trying to explain how things went so wrong so fast. All I did was think, type, count words and remind myself that I was doing this for funsies so there was no reason to hate myself when I failed.

Today is the 28th. There are two more days left before the final bell tolls and I have two statements to make on the subject:

1. I have not finished the novel. I will probably not finish it by the 30th. Once again, I let things get a little bigger than I planned. However, it's not so bad as it's been in the past. In fact, I could probably wrap this thing up in four chapters if I put my mind to it. Ok...maybe five. Or six at the most.

2. At approximately 10:30 this morning, two days before the end of NANOWRIMO and having started well behind many others, I uploaded my text into the mighty validator. I waited with bated breath for it to digest them and pronounce judgement. The little circle whirled and whirled for what seemed an eternity and then...

The validator says it so it must be so!

Now I need to go find the carpet which I am certain lies under the crust of dirty socks, scrape a layer of cereal crumbs from the counter and check my blood pressure because there has been a great deal of coffee consumed over the past three weeks.

But first maybe I'll do just one more chapter...

SA