Wednesday, October 30, 2013

WNBP: Of Mice And Cats

This is embarrassing.  I wish I could just stick my head in a hole and play the I Can't See You So You Can't See Me game.  I wish there had been a massive earthquake that only affected my living room and that this could be my excuse.  I wish I was out saving puppies from certain doom at the hands of coat-making, crazy-haired harridans.

But, as Mommy Sheep always used to say, if wishes were horses then beggars would ride, if turnips were watches, I'd have one by my side.  Which didn't always make sense to a 3 year old little Sheepie, and yet were wise words all the same.

My excuse for not blogging last week?  A massive temper tantrum brought on by a non-functioning mouse.  There were certainly ways I could have worked around this minor technical issue and made the Wednesday Night Bullet Post happen.  Surely all the various and sundry gadgets and gee-gaws around here could have been put to work solving the problem.

But, no.  I tantrumed and that is the sad truth of the matter.  I'm not proud of it.  I'm mightily shamed by it.  But I think I need to at least be honest about it, painful though that may be.  Perhaps it will be a lesson in the future.

With that out of the way (and my school laptop ready to do the job my stupid wireless mouse won't) I shall sally forth into the bloggy ways.  Here is this week's WNBP:

*I guess it's also kind of last week's WNBP, now that I think of it...

*I'm going to talk about stuff that I would have talked about last week had the whole mouse mishap not happened.

*Like how I had to take Da Boyz to the vet.

*We missed our summer appointment.  That meant we were low on Happy Pills for a certain Very Complicated Kitty.

*I do not care for the VCK when he doesn't have his Happy Pills.

*He wants to tell me stuff.  And he wants to chew stuff.  And he wants to bowl his hapless brother off his feet at random and highly disturbing intervals.

*There are no Happy Pills without a visit to the vet.  Happy Pills require blood work.

*Which is fun for the whole darned family...

*To make matters worse, the speed with which my shattered nerves required this appointment meant that we weren't going to be seeing The Cat Whisperer.

*AKA: The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty's Girlfriend.

*Actual conversational snippets from the aforementioned vet visit:

"Are you sure these cats aren't brothers?  'Cause they act exactly THE SAME!!!"

"I think I see some flea dirt.  There might be fleas, wait.  Never mind.  I think it's glitter.  Your cat is Bedazzled.

"There's something on the chart here I can't decipher.  It may be an important condition...let's see.  FDC?  What the heck is FDC?"

"Maybe this Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty would behave better with a treat.  He hates these treats.  Does he have a favorite treat?"

"Do you have any Italian food?  Pizza?  Ravioli?  He also goes wild for spicy Thai curry..."

"Darn it all...I wish I knew what that FDC stood for.  I'd like to know if it's contagious."

"Where are we on those claws?  Have we finished the first foot yet?  No?  Anyone got an ETA on when we think he'll be ready for us to try again?

"  I hate to interrupt, but I kind of remember the whole FDC thing.  It stands for Freeze Dried Chicken.  I think that is partially why he loves The Cat Whisperer so much."

*I love my cats and I take care of them.  In case you were wondering if one can put a price tag on such things as love and care, let me put the question to rest.

*You can.  It costs $311.00.  Make a note of it.

*And a day later, when the bad feelings and looks dripping with contempt for my betrayal were starting to subside, I got to fire it all up again when I delivered the flea/heartworm/everything else treatment.

*We are over it.  Mostly...

*I took a half day off for all this because that seemed appropriate.  When my staff need to take their kids to the vet they get to take sick time.  

* I'll bet their kids are better behaved.  And that they don't require the purchase of a new deluxe kitty house/scratching post to make things right or demand freeze dried chicken as partial compensation for pain and suffering.

*I was out of the classroom yesterday, too.  I had to take the safety procedures training.

*I used to teach safety procedures training, but I had to cover for one of my staff people so often that I couldn't teach enough classes to keep my certification current.

*So I couldn't teach it anymore.  They solved the problem by hiring someone else to do it.

*The staff person for whom I was covering is now teaching safety procedures classes.  She never misses a training date.

*Apparently the policy around excessive staff absences is to pay them to be absent more often.

*I don't question it.  I just shake my head.

*That's not true.  I did question it.  But all I got were a lot of embarrassed looks and mumbling so I stopped pointing out things that people don't want to think about too hard.

*Both of Da Boyz received clean bills of health when they went to the vet.  Even their respective weights, a constant bone of contention, were considered okey-dokey.  (That is a slight exaggeration with regard to the VCK, but he's still in the process of rediscovering his waistline so we decided to call it good)

*The AGK decided that this pronouncement of good health was license to live it up a bit.

*Yesterday, I came home to find that he'd foiled the childproof locks on the under sink cabinet so he could dump out the trash, root through the empty cat food cans and lick them clean.

*He'd also managed to pick the latch on the decorative cabinet that housed the kitty treats but I got those away from him before he gnawed through the packaging.

*Over the weekend, he helped himself to a mini cupcake.  He licked off most of the chocolate frosting before I caught him.  

*I was no more than two feet away at the time.  He's stealthy.

*When I turned my back to wipe up a bit of spilled sauce, he snatched a slice of pepperoni from the still steaming pizza that was only seconds out of the oven.

*I never found it so I have to presume he has a pizza burn on the top of his mouth but I don't feel badly about that at all.

*I have a full time job.  I don't need another full time job.

*But I am beginning to think it is a full time job having a Smart Cat.

*Mr. Principal (Formerly Mr. Assistant Principal) announced today that he thinks it would be a fine idea to allow the students to wear their Halloween costumes tomorrow.

*I'd call in sick, but I already missed one day this week and I have to cover for the staff person who is now being paid to be absent more often.

*I emailed a parent who asked about costumes to tell her that it was OK.  But I was careful to tell her that we needed to consider our festive garb and not go overboard.  I reminded her that things like excessive blood, masks and weapons wouldn't be a good idea.

*She emailed back to let me know that she didn't think it would be a problem.

*Her son is coming to school tomorrow dressed as a Rotarian.

*Member of the Rotary Club.  Civic organization.  He's wearing a suit.  

*Mom claims he looks rather dapper.

*I shouldn't have been surprised.  He's the most Rotarian kid I've ever met...

*My mouse still doesn't work.  I've replaced the batteries.  I've reset it.  I've chanted and waved holy water around the manse.

*It just sits there looking tired.

*I think I need a new mouse.  I also need a new cordless phone but I'm not sure that is a related problem.

*It's probably something more along the lines of If It's Not One Thing It's Another.

*Or When It Rains, It Pours.

*Or Stuff Breaks And The Universe Finds It More Entertaining When It All Breaks At Once...

*As I type this, the AGK is frantically pawing at the decorative cabinet that once held his treats and still holds the canned food.

*Strike that.  He's opened it.  For the third time since I got home from work today.

*I know I need a new mouse, but I think I'm going to forget about that.  I need to put my money into a nice, solid safe.

 OK.  I need to go deal with this cat.  He is perilously close to dumping the whole decorative cabinet right over onto its side.  I know this because it's not the first time I've had a decorative cabinet dumped onto its side.  I'm starting to think I don't live in a decorative cabinet kind of world.

Maybe it's just part of the ongoing payback for that vet visit.  Or the universe commenting on last weeks' epic mouse tantrum...



=Tamar said...

Padlock the cabinet. If he tips it over, get a very heavy flat weight and glue it or bolt it to the bottom of the cabinet. Or just nail (or bolt) the cabinet to the floor.

Maureen said...

Ever heard the old song: ".....and it All Makes Work for the Working Man/Woman to do....."?
I loved your post today, I can't stop laughing!

Donna Lee said...

I can't find anyone to take the Safety Training Trainer course. Of course if they paid us for the extra time and energy it might be different.

Cathy said...

I laughed too - recognition is a PITA!! Decorative anything may as well have a bullseye painted on it for the good it does me.

Julia G said...

Clever cat! And I love the Rotarian costume - too funny!

=Tamar said...

Second missed Wednesday in a row. I hope you're all right and you've just won the lottery of somethng.

Betsy said...

Are you and the Boyz ok? We miss you!