Dear Local Grocery Store:

You are a lovely grocery store. I should know. I grocery shop approximately once every 36 minutes. I'm not big on lists...they feel oppressive. And dictatorial. Plus, I end up losing them. I've tried making a list of places where I might have inadvertently left my list, but you can see where that might get cumbersome.

Where was I? Oh yes, your store. As delightful as I find your establishment, I seem to be having something of an issue these days.

You are hiding the frozen pepperoni pizza on me.

Last week, I ended up with a pineapple pizza. I, to some degree, blame myself on that one. The store was crowded with happy tourists and I found myself having to run a cart/child/sunblock display obstacle course in order to reach my goal of pizza satisfaction. I was a bit distracted...

This week, however, I made a point of shopping on Thursday morning. Most folks were at work and the weekend sunbathers had not yet landed. I had the time and focus needed to carefully cull the arctic shelves of the freezer section to find my dinner. And yet I still was unable to find what I sought. I had to be "content" (and I use that word loosely) with a cheese-stuffed crust version of the simple pie.

Pizza is not difficult, dear grocery store mogul. It has crust, sauce, cheese and pepperoni. I realize that there may be others out there who are all dare-devilish and rogue who get a thrill out of trying things that are new and exciting. I am not of their number. I like it traditional. And frankly, it seems to me that it might be cheaper to produce the variety without all the bells and whistles. I acknowledge my ignorance here. I did not go to pizza school and I do not run a grocery store. I just eat alot of frozen pizza. Alot.

In fact, it is practically all I eat. I am picky. Very picky. It is highly likely that, without frozen pizza, I will wither away and die. Oh sure, I'll make a big show out of "oohing" and "ahhing" over the fresh veggies and fruits when they make it to the produce section. I'll even buy them. But we all know the harsh truth. I'll eat a single portion at the most then eat frozen pizza. Did you know that all vegetables and fruits will go from a solid to a liquid, back to a solid and then kind of evaporate into a toxic gas if you leave them in the fridge long enough? Fun fact...tell your kids.

And so, dear grocery store boss, I beg of you. Return my frozen pepperoni pizza to your freezer case. If you can't do it for me, then do it for all the others so devastated by this turn of events. Do it for the little stock boy who is still weeping into his apron after hearing the language used by a certain Sheepy customer. Do it for the lovely couple from Massachusetts who just wanted a pleasant long weekend in beautiful southern Maine and will now be in therapy for the next six months in order to get over the sight of a middle aged woman throwing a tantrum worthy of a two year old. Do it for the children, for God's sake...do it for the children.

Sincerely yours,

SA