Friday, July 07, 2006

Dear Local Grocery Store:

You are a lovely grocery store. I should know. I grocery shop approximately once every 36 minutes. I'm not big on lists...they feel oppressive. And dictatorial. Plus, I end up losing them. I've tried making a list of places where I might have inadvertently left my list, but you can see where that might get cumbersome.

Where was I? Oh yes, your store. As delightful as I find your establishment, I seem to be having something of an issue these days.

You are hiding the frozen pepperoni pizza on me.

Last week, I ended up with a pineapple pizza. I, to some degree, blame myself on that one. The store was crowded with happy tourists and I found myself having to run a cart/child/sunblock display obstacle course in order to reach my goal of pizza satisfaction. I was a bit distracted...

This week, however, I made a point of shopping on Thursday morning. Most folks were at work and the weekend sunbathers had not yet landed. I had the time and focus needed to carefully cull the arctic shelves of the freezer section to find my dinner. And yet I still was unable to find what I sought. I had to be "content" (and I use that word loosely) with a cheese-stuffed crust version of the simple pie.

Pizza is not difficult, dear grocery store mogul. It has crust, sauce, cheese and pepperoni. I realize that there may be others out there who are all dare-devilish and rogue who get a thrill out of trying things that are new and exciting. I am not of their number. I like it traditional. And frankly, it seems to me that it might be cheaper to produce the variety without all the bells and whistles. I acknowledge my ignorance here. I did not go to pizza school and I do not run a grocery store. I just eat alot of frozen pizza. Alot.

In fact, it is practically all I eat. I am picky. Very picky. It is highly likely that, without frozen pizza, I will wither away and die. Oh sure, I'll make a big show out of "oohing" and "ahhing" over the fresh veggies and fruits when they make it to the produce section. I'll even buy them. But we all know the harsh truth. I'll eat a single portion at the most then eat frozen pizza. Did you know that all vegetables and fruits will go from a solid to a liquid, back to a solid and then kind of evaporate into a toxic gas if you leave them in the fridge long enough? Fun fact...tell your kids.

And so, dear grocery store boss, I beg of you. Return my frozen pepperoni pizza to your freezer case. If you can't do it for me, then do it for all the others so devastated by this turn of events. Do it for the little stock boy who is still weeping into his apron after hearing the language used by a certain Sheepy customer. Do it for the lovely couple from Massachusetts who just wanted a pleasant long weekend in beautiful southern Maine and will now be in therapy for the next six months in order to get over the sight of a middle aged woman throwing a tantrum worthy of a two year old. Do it for the children, for God's it for the children.

Sincerely yours,



trek said...

Um, we do not eat frozen pepperoni pizza here. At chez trek, we either make our own (cold weather only, thanks) or we buy it from a local establishment known as Guido's. (Yes, that is really its name.) We simply cannot understand the Sheep's addiction to frozen pepperoni pizza. We can, however, accept that the Sheep's reaction to the absence of frozen pepperoni pizza might be similar to the reaction here if the grocery store stopped stocking, say, Haagen-Dazs ice cream. We feel your pain.

mrichme said...

Dear Sheepish,

Thank you for your thoughtful letter. We enjoy hearing from all of our customers. I decided to look at your case a little more closely...

Upon further review of your shopping history we've noticed a note from a Dr. Judy. Do you know her? Anyway, the note from her mentions that you have not buying enough fruits and veggies.

She asked us to place a transmitter on you so that when you come in all of our frozen pepperoni pizza actually turns into pineapple pizza. I'm sorry to hear that we didn't do our job and get rid of the stuffed crust pizza, we will fix that next time!

When Dr. Judy provides us written documentation that it is okay to then we will turn off the transmitter. BTW, don't bother going to any other grocery store, they have all been alerted to the situation.

Have a great weekend!

Grocery Store Manager

On a serious note, I'm sorry that it is too difficult for you to get your pizza. Maybe this is fate telling you to move closer to CamMad who will be glad to eat pizza with you anytime you want it!

laurie in maine said...

Loved the note from your grocier!

Pat's Pizza for me ... the Orono one near UMaine is best :) But it MUST be pepperoni ... dbl would be better!!

My recent grocery related hissy fit was over Soup Starter. They said it was seasonal and didn't sell it in spring. I was coming down with a cold and wanted homemade chicken soup & dumplings (comfort food - except I don't know how to make it without a starter kit!! :)

The next week there was an entire display case full/ set up in almost the exact spot where I threw my fit!!

camadsmom said...

My shopping experience is more related to CamMads craziness. Although I had the most difficult time finding food coloring. I looked everywhere. I never did find it. It was crazy.

Teri S. said...

I sort of glossed over the frozen pepperoni pizza dinners that you have mentioned elsewhere in your blog, thinking that it was a mere aberration or you were really pressed for time. But frankly, dear Sheep, I'm a bit concerned for your health. You eat only frozen pepperoni pizza? Do you realize that it's easy to make your own, especially if you (dear God, forgive me) buy jarred sauce, ready-made crusts, cheese, and the ubiquitous pepperoni? In fact, you can stock up on the ingredients, (which won't liquefy in the back of the fridge, except maybe the cheese), and then you'll never have to worry about a frozen pepperoni pizza shortage again!