Friday, July 28, 2006

Bug Invasion Headquarters: A Briefing From The Insect General

The Insect General has just mounted the podium in order that he might address his troops. This will be his long-awaited speech detailing the next major wave in the ongoing assault upon the Sheep, her home and her very sanity. We join the briefing already in progress:

Good afternoon troops. It is my privilege to address you on this hot, humid and basically unbearable day. This weather, while not of our making, has most certainly been a deciding factor in this war as it has made the human lethargic and cranky and easily manipulated. This has truly been a glorious turn of events and one that may very well ensure our victory over The Sheep for all time. She is nearly at her breaking point.

As you know, this battle represents an unprecedented joining of forces across the species. Creepies and Crawlies of all creeds 'n breeds have come together to make this the war to end all wars. United we stand and march to victory.

To date, all has gone according to plan. The first and second ant invasions were met with minimal force. She got cocky. We followed that with an empty "decoy" hornets nest just inside her left hand living room window. This was designed to "shock and awe" despite it's being uninhabited. Next came the detonation of the baby spider bomb. She actually handled that one fairly well. What can I say? The best laid plans and all...

With her having discovered the fleas on the cats we now have this human so hopelessly diverted that we can forge ahead with our true plan: the building of the master nest on the right hand window screen just behind the blinds. This one will not be uninhabited. This one will be our command post for all future attacks. From here we can quickly escalate our plan of torture and chaos until The Sheep is, once and for all, defeated beyond hope of resurrection.

I see we have a question. Yes, there in the, private. What would you like to know?

Um, well, sir...this all seems kinda mean. Why exactly are we doing this again? I mean, it's not like she is personally responsible for the hatred of all insects or anything.

That kind of talk is treason, son. We don't go there.

I honestly don't know what I have done to anger the insect community. As a child I read the occasional Spider Man comic. I watched The Bugaloos regularly, for crying out loud. I don't love the bugs, but I never mounted a full-on assault on them or anything. This is all so perplexing...

In deference to my Post "Monkey-Pox" lungs and because I live with cats as old as Methuselah I have withheld the sprays until today. A live hornets nest forming on the inside of your living room window screen, however, is cause for chemicals. I honestly do try to use as few as possible, but this has gone beyond less toxic means.

And the hornets are not happy about this. Several have found little nooks and crannies through which to squirm in and register their complaints with regard to the spraying. Their concerns will be duly noted and processed through the complaint department at a later date.

Not that they will be around to file an appeal or anything...we're just trying to be fair about this.

Hopefully there will be some news of the crafty variety tomorrow.



trek said...

"What do you need? Besides a miracle?"

"Raid. Lots of Raid."

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that your writing is totally awesome. I'm not sure how I stumbled upon it because I crochet not knit but stumble upon it I did and I find that you are very witty. I enjoy reading and would like to wish you well on your

I live kinda in the woods. Moved here from city life and find that the bugs where I'm at are on steroids....and then there are the bugs that I have never seen. However, the only bugs coming in from outside so far, have only come in when someone has opened the door. Once that happens my cats are here to protect me. They will play with, then eat whatever has come through the door. Oh, but on occassion there is that one bug that they won't eat. Makes me wonder why.

Anyway, good luck! Keep writing.

~ Debbie

Beth said...

I totally forgot about the Bugaloos! Did you ever watch Lidsville? I wonder what today's kids would think of the shows we watched?

Geraldine said...

You just bust me up Sheep, you really, really do...Had a rough afternoon, Im wiped, your post was just what I needed.

Have you considered stand-up???

Huggs, G

Kate said...

Now I have the Bugaloos song in my head. ". .they're in the air and everywhere flying free. .." I hate the chemicals almost as much as the bugs. Not because of the enviroment or any granola-crunchy tree hugging tendencies, just cause I'm paranoid. They smell, what are they doing to my pets, etc. But desperate times call for desperate measures and you are in a full out insect war. I wish you luck.

Tygher Knits said...

I love your posts, Sheep. I really, truly do. And this one sat waiting for me to patiently have time to get my read on .. and I'm glad I did.

Get 'em, girl. Hornets are evil creatures, and if they're inside, they're asking for it.

Sheila said...

As I mentioned before, try Self-Chem if you have one. They'll take care of you, and a lot of their stuff is non-aerosol so you don't have to breath it into your monkey-poxed lungs. I can't imagine a summer without central A/C. Down here everyone has it, but I know my in-laws in northern NJ only recently added window units to their bedroom and (thankfully) to a guest room. How anyone can feel motivated in such heat I'll never understand. I'd sleep all day for sure!

Knittymama said...

I just found you from Kate's blog, you are too funny!

Good luck with the bugs! I agree, sometimes you've got to bring out the big stuff.

Julie said...

Go get 'em Sheep - You will prevail!