News From The Front.

The scene: A battlefield littered with the bodies of ants and the occasional arachnid. In the midst of this chaos lies the battered form of The Sheep. She is surrounded by a small contingency of her troops, all young and terrified at the sight of their leader brought so low. Crouching to avoid a hail of whatever the heck it is that one flings during battle scenes, a medic arrives.

Medic: What happened here???

Lowly Private: She took a hit, sir...a bad one! Ya gotta help her!!!

Medic: A hit? Mortar? Grenade? Sharp, pointy thingy?

Lowly Private: Well, no, sir. It was more of an emotional hit. She's just laying there, shivering and mumbling, "no more, no more..." It's actually gotten a bit irritating if you want the truth.

Medic: I'm sorry, did you say, "emotional hit?"

Lowly Private: Yes sir. You see we really thought we had them ants and spiders that had invaded the condo on the run. We'd even gone hi-tech and brought in some of those sonic-sound-annoy-the-bugs-till-they-leave-do-hickeys. It was going great. Then she saw it...it was horrible!!!

Medic: Get it together, son!!! Tell me what happened.

Lowly Private: (visibly trembling) Well, sir. It was a hornets' nest. Just a little one...on the window screen...and we thought it was outside...outside!!!. But it wasn't. It was inside!!!! They had somehow gotten in through a small crack and started a nest just behind the blinds where we couldn't see them. Oh sir, it was horrible. She was so brave. She took care of it and killed one hornet in the process, but she hasn't been the same since. She's just been like this. And now there's no one to tell us we can break for lunch. Please, ya gotta help her! We just don't see this kinda thing back home on the farm!!!

Medic: Seriously...you live on a farm and never saw a bug? Sheesh!!!

Lowly Private: Hey, I don't judge you. So are we gonna medi-vac her outta here or what?

Medic: Well, see, here's the thing. We don't actually do that for wars on insects. That's more of an "actual battlefield" sort of scenario. The best I can do is prescribe a summer vacation and a clean merino fleece at a reasonable price and be done with it.

Lowly Private: Oh. That never came up in basic.

Medic: Yeah...I dunno. You could call your congressman or something.

End Scene.

I'm starting to think it would be simpler to just move.

SA