Saturday, June 17, 2006

News From The Front.

The scene: A battlefield littered with the bodies of ants and the occasional arachnid. In the midst of this chaos lies the battered form of The Sheep. She is surrounded by a small contingency of her troops, all young and terrified at the sight of their leader brought so low. Crouching to avoid a hail of whatever the heck it is that one flings during battle scenes, a medic arrives.

Medic: What happened here???

Lowly Private: She took a hit, sir...a bad one! Ya gotta help her!!!

Medic: A hit? Mortar? Grenade? Sharp, pointy thingy?

Lowly Private: Well, no, sir. It was more of an emotional hit. She's just laying there, shivering and mumbling, "no more, no more..." It's actually gotten a bit irritating if you want the truth.

Medic: I'm sorry, did you say, "emotional hit?"

Lowly Private: Yes sir. You see we really thought we had them ants and spiders that had invaded the condo on the run. We'd even gone hi-tech and brought in some of those sonic-sound-annoy-the-bugs-till-they-leave-do-hickeys. It was going great. Then she saw it...it was horrible!!!

Medic: Get it together, son!!! Tell me what happened.

Lowly Private: (visibly trembling) Well, sir. It was a hornets' nest. Just a little one...on the window screen...and we thought it was outside...outside!!!. But it wasn't. It was inside!!!! They had somehow gotten in through a small crack and started a nest just behind the blinds where we couldn't see them. Oh sir, it was horrible. She was so brave. She took care of it and killed one hornet in the process, but she hasn't been the same since. She's just been like this. And now there's no one to tell us we can break for lunch. Please, ya gotta help her! We just don't see this kinda thing back home on the farm!!!

Medic: Seriously...you live on a farm and never saw a bug? Sheesh!!!

Lowly Private: Hey, I don't judge you. So are we gonna medi-vac her outta here or what?

Medic: Well, see, here's the thing. We don't actually do that for wars on insects. That's more of an "actual battlefield" sort of scenario. The best I can do is prescribe a summer vacation and a clean merino fleece at a reasonable price and be done with it.

Lowly Private: Oh. That never came up in basic.

Medic: Yeah...I dunno. You could call your congressman or something.

End Scene.

I'm starting to think it would be simpler to just move.

SA

3 comments:

trek said...

I know the situation sucks, but you're really funny in a war zone, Sheep.

Sheep under Fire - coming soon to your local television network...

Teri S. said...

I know war is tragic, but you crack me up with your tales of the Battle of the Bug. Except for the spider...then I have to keep checking to make sure that tickle on my leg is not a giant fuzzy death-dealing arachnid.

Sheila said...

Just be glad you don't live in scorpion territory. Yes, I found one under my pillow (that's the last time I tried making the bed) a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't been the same since.
We also have roadrunners, and I learned just yesterday that they eat scorpions, so now we are contemplating keeping one as a pet/scorpion gourmand.
As far as the bugs go, when things get so out of control that a change of residence seems like the only hope, I recommend chemical poisons. I'm normally a low-chem girl, but there was a time in the early 90's when I went to a place called Self Chem and proceeded to cover every inch of my home with bug killing powders, sprays, and gels. It was a life-enhancing decision that I really don't like to talk about unless I think it will benefit someone's standard of living.
It may be that you need a new cat- a "hunter kiity" type who pounces all things furry and small?!