Monday, April 27, 2009

Pigs, Email And How Not To Delete

The Scene: It is Monday night at The Sheep home. We enter the kitchen to find our favorite obsessive/compulsive standing over the trash can, muttering to herself and spraying disinfectant at some unseen item. It is none other than Hysterical Mind, the half of Sheepie's brain who cannot seem to resist any opportunity to turn a molehill into a towering mountain. If she can turn it into a simmering volcano, then so much the better! Rational Mind wanders into the kitchen to investigate what her crazy counterpart is up to.

Rational Mind: (coughing and waving away clouds of pine scented spray) Good Lord, what now?!

Hysterical Mind: (looks up and mutters through the professional grade HEPA filter mask covering her mouth and nose) You thought you'd get away with it, didn't you? You thought you were smarter than me! Not so, my friend! Not so!!!

RM: What? What did I think I'd get away with?

HM: I read it.

RM: I'm already tired of this game. Just know that right up front.

HM: You never want to play with me anymore. Fine. The email. I read the email.

RM: Um....what email? (she assumes a suspiciously innocent expression)

HM: (simply stares over her mask saying nothing)

RM: OK. Fine! So you read it. I must have not deleted it like I thought.

HM: No. You deleted it. It was right there in that little trash can in the corner of the screen. You can just get stuff right out of there and it's not even gross like a real trash can!

RM: Noted. I'll be sure to empty the little trash can from now on.

HM: You do that. Meanwhile, I read the email and now I am going to start Taking Steps.

RM: You are overreacting...

HM: I am NOT. That email was waiting for us when we got to school this morning and it told us all about how there is Swine Flu out there in Mexico. Mexico is very close to us. The word "pandemic" was used! PAN. DEM. IC!!!!

RM: You misunderstood. It was just a regular reminder to wash our hands and not sneeze on each other all day. Basic stuff. Nothing that didn't go out to lots of other people who work in schools or hospitals and whatnot. They aren't saying that we have Swine Flu.

HM: That's just their way of containing the panic. I know all about this stuff because I watch television. The government doesn't like it when we panic because stuff gets broken. It is time to Take Steps and that is what I am doing. I've boiled most of the dishes and burned the clothes we wore to school today. Now there's just this little matter to take care of and then we can start bottling up some water for the coming quarantine situation.

RM: What is that in the trash can?

HM: The bacon. That contaminated swine isn't going to infect us on my watch! (she sprays another blast of disinfectant into the trash can and looks smug)

RM: Hey! That stuff is expensive! And it's not even real bacon! It's vegetarian! No swine was harmed in the makin' of this bacon!

HM: Have you never heard of Cross Contamination? Sheesh...

RM: That's not what cross contamination means.

HM: Guilt By Association?

RM: No.

HM: Monkey See/Monkey Do?

RM: Now you are just reaching...

HM: Better Safe Than Sorry. And don't say another word. I'm not taking any chances because I am Taking Steps and that is all there is to it!

RM: Fine. But did it ever occur to you that we are now out two packages of veggie bacon? However will we survive when the quarantine starts up? We shall surely starve! (rolls eyes sarcastically)

HM: (eyes widening and beginning to tear up) I'm making a list. We have to go to the store...

One cannot help but be cheered on The First Monday Back To School After Vacation when there is a pandemic-related email waiting in the old in-box. It's even better when the less-than-rational side of the brain gets ahold of that little tidbit. Fortunately, there were so many other emails, meetings and students with which to contend that I didn't really have time to read the full missive. Perhaps tomorrow, I'll have a free moment and can put the time into processing it properly. Meanwhile, I'll just keep washing my hands and ducking any random sneezes the children might aim my way. You never know...

Although I have to admit that a quarantine might be nice. I could use the time to work on that dishcloth (with sleeves). I just won't have any veggie bacon for breakfast.



trek said...

PAN. DEM. ICK. Indeed.

Do children from the wilds of Maine travel to Mexico on Spring Break? Just asking, you know.

PS - Are you going to email me a picture of the Dishcloth (with sleeves) any time soon?

Kath said...

Is it wrong that I am craving bacon right now? I just can't help it!

Mia said...

Imagine the craziness of working in a hospital with a potential pan-dem-ic approaching!

And speaking of bacon.. my step father used to eat the strangest combo - two slices of toast with a little butter, peanut butter and a couple slices of bacon- smoosh together and eat.

I know it SOUNDS kinda gross, but I actually made one yesterday and it was DELISH!! SAVE the bacon *grin*

Lynne said...

It's amazing how a few coughs and sneezes [notto mention deaths] can wipe out all thoughts of a global financial crisis or a food crisis or global warming or war in the Middle East, isn't it?

All the teachers on our staff were warned to have a flu shot this week [as we approach the coming winter] on the basis that if we get the ordinary, common 'flu we will be even more susceptible to the "pig" variety.

Anonymous said...

Don't let HM see this, but did you hear that there were 28 confirmed cases in NY City? AT.A.SCHOOL!

sorry, I had to do it :-)

Leigh said...

Personally I'm a little suspicious of vegetarian bacon. If I'm going to eat bacon, I say give me the real thing, pan dem ick or not. :)

Now, that bacon and peanut butter on toas sounds really good!

Donna Lee said...

We haven't gotten any emails like that, yet. We have had a huge push for hand washing (it is a health care institution after all) but so far, no extraordinary measures. And I refuse to get rid of my bacon.

Karen said...

Now I want bacon...I'll skip the peanut butter though.

Knitting Linguist said...

I tell you, a quarantine start sounding good when the alternative is faculty meetings. Unless one were quarantined at school. That would be Bad.

Cursing Mama said...

I wonder what the party line is on bacon salt. I remember hearing/reading about its virtues online and wanting it, but never encountering it in the wild.
Imagine - veggies that taste like bacon.

Jeanne said...

Good grief, I love the media. I read the symptoms... it sounds like...

The FLU. As in "common garden variety".

I suspect the media, having run the gamut of economic nightmare stories, has pulled out some ancient flu warnings, and substituted the word "swine" in place of "avian" "Asian" "Spanish", "Zombie"...