Saturday, April 11, 2009

Like A Herd Of Turtles

What happened to me? When did I become the slug-a-bed that you see before you?

I know that you don't really see me. I'm being metaphorical for the sake of making a point. Plus I'm in the throes of Sudden Self-Awareness Syndrome and desperate for blog material. I get a free pass and can say whatever I want. I read it in the Americans With Imaginary And/Or Conveniently Created Disabilities Act. It's in the fine print...

I used to be quite the Gal-About-Town. I was the toast of that same town. I danced my nights away in exotic, exclusive clubs and spent my days making the world a better place. Everyone wanted to be me. To call me a trendsetter would be an understatement. I lived large and loudly.

That might be something of an exaggeration. It is entirely possible that I am confusing going to the movies or walking to the mailbox with better stuff.

Now I sit here on a Saturday with little to show for my day and a blog post to write. It's not like I don't have ample opportunity to create a life with which to craft something blog worthy. I am mobile. I have resources. I even have the time. I just can't seem to find the motivation.

The best I can do for you today is a series of random descriptions of the things I did in between naps. I am so very, very sorry. For what it's worth, I thought about doing Great Deeds. But I only had the energy for Vaguely And Maybe Moderately Interesting If You Squint When You Look At Them Deeds.

The Weekend:

I ended up starting it early. Following a night of interrupted sleep, I was treated to the blatting of my smoke alarm while I was getting ready for work yesterday. As it was 5:30 in the morning, this was certainly an eye-opener. I'm sure that the neighbors were thrilled. I was 99% certain that it was set off by the steam escaping from the bathroom following my shower. That's happened before. But it still seemed like a good idea to cast mine eyes about for a fire of some sort. I didn't see one. Fearing that the detectors might be malfunctioning and that my neighbors might come after me with pitchforks and torches (which would probably set the alarms off again) I flipped the breaker and cut off the power so as to not wake up anyone who wasn't already clinging to their ceilings in a state of startled alarm.

This also cut off all power to the left side of my home. The bathroom is on that side. I need that room if I am going to finish getting ready for work. Between the lack of a hair dryer and mirror, the concerns regarding either smoldering fires or electrical issues and my overall distaste for the way this morning was shaping up, I opted to call in sick. If there was a problem, I'd like to be home to deal with it. Happily, my original theory seemed to have borne itself out and the alarms didn't go off again. That left me with a day off and an early start to the weekend. I could have used that time to do any number of things that would have interested you.

Instead, I finished my taxes and took a nap. I also ate Cadbury Eggs. I never once danced on a table or knit.

And Speaking Of Knitting:

I spent some time staring at "The Dishcloth" (with sleeves). I have come to the conclusion that this thing that is so-totally-not-a-sweater-because-those-never-really-work-out is a no go. I set it aside a while ago when the pressures at my teaching job got a bit more intense. I've managed to lose track of where I was and don't seem to have the motivation to find the aforementioned trackage. It was a coin flip anyway. There was every reason to believe that I didn't have enough yarn to finish it. The plan was to simply knit the sleeves in a contrasting color, but I don't really feel like looking for that yarn. I can also think of about three billion other things I'd like to do with this yarn. It's over.

Take heart, though! All is not lost! I still have that second sock to finish! I know this because it is still sitting right there in my school bag waiting for me to go get it so I can work on it. It has been sitting in there since Wednesday. I know that I should rescue it. It is the right thing to do.

But that didn't stop me from casting on twenty stitches today for a new headband. I could probably justify that course of action had I knit upon those twenty stitches. Yet somehow, I felt that the casting on of stitches was enough to say that I had accomplished something and settled in for a nap this afternoon.

The Naps Remind Me Of Something Else Not Very Exciting:

I remain flummoxed by the sleeping arrangements over here. The cats continue to defy all logic regarding spatial relationships and the laws of physics. I spend a great deal of time staring at them and pondering this phenomenon.

The Big, Fluffy Kitty (who is really more fluff than stuff) continues to sleep in the big dog bed. She has room to spare. I could fit ten of her in there.

And the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty continues to choose the smaller sleeping containers. This time he stuffed himself into The Squooshy Bed. He dragged his beloved Dollar Store Cat Cave in with him. I'm beginning to suspect that no one bothered to swaddle this beast when he was a baby...

I'm pretty sure that this is the kind of thing that distracts me from doing all those Great Deeds I was talking about...

Getting Out Of The House:

I haven't even bothered to get dressed today. I'm still in the same sweats and t-shirt in which I slept last night. If the smoke detectors decide to go off again today, I'm doomed. I'll just sit here, too embarrassed by my unkempt state to save myself from the conflagration. I'm certain that any of the female firefighters who are called to the scene will understand.

Yesterday, though, I did get out. I roused myself from my state of Friday Lethargy to attend a very special event. Forty years ago yesterday, I was bundled into the car to go visit Mommy Sheep who, for reasons I didn't entirely understand at the time, was in the hospital. Upon arrival, I discovered that she had a pretty sweet deal going on there. They let her sleep in a cool bed that cranked up and down. They gave her special pj's. And, to my utter wonder, they provided her with cuisine unlike anything I'd ever seen before. You can only imagine my delight when she allowed me to have two perfect saltines sealed in cellophane! It was unlike anything I'd ever seen before! I decided that she must have been a very, very good Mommy Sheep to be treated to such luxury.

But there was more...

Apparently she wasn't just given interesting pajamas that tied in the back and crackers packaged perfectly for a visiting three year old. No. She also got a baby. A boy baby. A boy baby called "brother."

Would the wonders never cease?????

Unlike the crackers, which were consumed on site, the brother came home with us. I was fascinated and enthralled with him for at least a full day. After that, I became a little disenchanted. He was kind of needy. He also didn't come with anything remotely resembling instructions. Or an "off" switch. Much like my smoke detectors, now that I think of it...

Over the years, however, I rediscovered my interest in this little brother and we became fast friends. I liked him. Still do, now that you mention it. I feel very, very fortunate to have a sibling who is someone I'd hang out with given the choice. We've snacked our way through marathon, all-night sessions of Halo on the X-Box. Our road trips to Vegas and California are the stuff of legends. The time at my grandmother's funeral when the lady asked him if I was his lovely wife is the stuff of horrific shudders, but a funny story nevertheless.

He's a good kid. And he came with a side of crackers. What more can you ask for, really?

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother! Welcome to the Fourth Decade Club and thanks for including me in yesterday's celebratory steak dinner! I'm so glad that we didn't return you as I suggested to Mommy and Daddy Sheep all those years ago. I'd have missed all the laughter and having someone who "gets" why the family stories are funny.

Plus you're the only interesting thing that's happened in the past two days...



trek said...

Well, happy brithday greetings to Baby Brother Sheep!

Sorry about The Dishcloth, Sheepie. I finally decided that it was time to work on mine again. Here I am on Day Two of this resolution (this time in front of Neatnik's inaugural viewing of Shrek).

Maybe you need to rewatch Shrek so as to regain your dishcloth mojo?

Kath said...

Happy B-day to Baby Brother Sheep!

And if you need to flip a breaker to shut off the smoke detector, you definitely need to get new and different detectors! Several years ago I accidentally set off the one in the hallway outside the guest bathroom when I was visiting my mother. Same cause - steam escaping from shower. I dashed out of the shower in the buff, hopped up on a chair and yanked the entire detector down off the ceiling. I'm sure it was quite a picture.

Anonymous said...

As a number geek I feel compelled to point out that if Baby Brother Sheep just turned 40, you should actually be welcoming him to the fifth decade.

Other than that, I have nothing to say except Happy Easter! and Happy birthday! to BBS.

Yarnhog said...

Happy Birthday, Baby Brother Sheep!

If there is ever going to be a fire, it will happen when you're dressed in ragged sweats and haven't showered in two days. The one and only time I ever had to go to the hospital in an ambulance, I was wearing ripped shorts with no underwear and a shrunken, faded t-shirt with no bra, and my hair hadn't seen a comb in a day and a half. (For the record, this is an unusual state for me, not my daily attire.) The police who responded first thought I was a mental case and called for an ambulance to transport me to the county mental hospital. (In point of fact, I had had a number of seizures and wasn't terribly coherent, and the outfit didn't help my case at all, I'm sure.) They wouldn't let me change clothes and I spent the entire day (un)dressed like that in front of half the local hospital. When your mom tells you to "always wear clean underwear, just in case," you really ought to listen!

Karen said...

Happy Birthday to Baby Brother Sheep!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birtday to Baby Brother Sheep!

crzjane said...

Happy (be-lated) birthday to Baby Brother Sheep. Hope you had a wonderful day.
Wow, came with crackers, what a deal!

Mia said...


Beth said...

Happy birthday to Baby Brother Sheep! I don't recall getting crackers with my brothers. What's up with that?! :)

Lynne said...

Happy birthday Brother Sheepie.