Monday, January 19, 2009

Ongoing Research

We here in the states are in the midst of a National Holiday.  For some of us, the acknowledgment of Martin Luther King Day means a three day weekend.  Others are not so fortunate. But at least those of us who didn't have to go to work today weren't out on the roads for your morning commute, thereby leaving you with lots of room to maneuver.  Small comfort, I suppose.  But it's the best I can do...

I have spent my three day weekend most productively.  Or at least I've tried.  I may have a regular job and something sort of resembling a life, but I really do try to dedicate as much time as is possible to my ongoing research into a matter I consider to be most vital to the survival of all.  Some may consider my worries over the possible rising of the dead to be nothing more than a symptom of my being under-medicated.  I suppose I can understand that.  But I worry about these sorts of things thanks to my misspent youth and the amount of time invested in cheesy horror movie viewing.  

Besides, I'd feel rather foolish had I not taken precautions and suddenly found myself face-to-face with my first grade teacher.  The fact that she is long since deceased is probably only half of what would make that so scary.  But you see my point.  It's best to keep up the training.

Of the six zombie DVDs that arrived just in time for the long holiday weekend, I have managed to view five.  That's not too bad considering that I needed to eat, sleep and maintain some level of hygiene over the past three days.  I'm maybe not sleeping quite so soundly what with the crazy imagery playing over and over in my head, but it's a small price to pay to know that I am ready, willing and able to step up to the plate with solid advice should the dreaded Zombie Apocalypse come to pass.

I'm reaching.  Big time.  These were not exactly the kinds of movies one watches for helpful tips.  But I'm kind of hoping to use them as a deduction on my taxes next year what with my being the world's foremost expert and reasonably priced consultant on Zombie Defense.  To that end, I've managed to come up with a few helpful tips and suggestions that might legitimize this purchase in the eyes of the government.  Between you, me and the lamp post though...this was really just pure entertainment.

Keep it under your hat, 'kay?

And now, for your edification, I present to you the latest in Sheepish Annie's Guide To Surviving The Coming Battle With The Undead!

*Aim For The Head.  Frankly, I can't believe I have to keep saying this.  I mean really, people!  How much ammo are we going to waste before we get a handle on this rather simple concept?  Sheesh!!!

*Saying things like, "We mustn't lose hope now!" and "You go on ahead, I'll hold them off!" is well-intentioned and probably unavoidable in certain situations.  However, I'd suggest avoiding such phrases.  They tend to bring about a sense of false security and generally sound the death knell for the poor fool who utters them.

*If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times:  Don't lean against a wall or door to catch your breath following a protracted chase.  You are almost guaranteeing that a pair of grey and mottled hands will smash through this resting spot and smoosh your head.  And those of you who choose to slump against a wall within two inches of a corner that leads down an uncleared corridor are on your own.  Don't even think about crying to me about your undead status after forty five zombies come careening at you from the left.  I will bop you right on the noggin without a second thought.  You have it coming...

*It is poor form to send the maid off on her own to secure the rest of the villa while you and your jet-setter friends remain safely together to fortify the salon.  Even the zombies know this and they will work extra hard to restore the karmic balance once they are done picking bits of uniform and feather duster out of their teeth.

*Writhing on the ground, whimpering and chewing on your lower lip while the undead are still twenty feet away and moving at a slow shuffle does not seem to be a deterrent.  In fact, if my observations are any indication, it actually seems to motivate them just a bit.  While this strategy admittedly does a nice job of showing off your gorgeous Italian leather boots, it isn't going to be useful in the long run.

*Deserted islands are never as nice in reality as they are in theory.  The simple fact of the matter is that there just aren't as many deserted islands as there used to be and this accounts for how many are currently being used by groups of scientists studying how to extend the human life span.  As a result, most of these islands are pretty much overrun with experiments gone horribly awry.  If it isn't zombie infested then it is probably teeming with human/animal hybrids.  Either way, I'd just go to Disney World...

*Sending your three year old daughter running pell-mell into the jungle all alone isn't necessarily bad parenting.  This is particularly true if you are currently using a tree branch to fend off the twenty or so zombies who have just dispatched your husband and still look a little peckish.

*High-waisted, pleated pants were a bad idea.  While they may have leveled the fashion playing field a bit by making even the most waifishly thin suddenly develop a pot belly and flat tushy, I feel that there has to be a better way to support a healthy body image for all.  Besides, the donning of such pants renders all females completely invisible.  The wearer can wave her arms and shout to the rooftops such admonitions as, "I don't think we should go any further!" and, "Please don't read aloud from The Book Of The Dead!" and she will still go completely unnoticed by the men in her traveling party.  

*Dying in a pair of high-waisted, pleated pants is the absolute worst way to go.  Especially if you might be coming back...

*Logic is a double edged sword.  Too much and you will be incapable of believing in the reality of the Zombie Threat until it is a situation completely beyond control.  Too little and you will find yourself sitting at the bedside of a fallen comrade, stubbornly and optimistically playing nursemaid to someone who, while conscious, is ashen and exhibiting none of the conventionally accepted signs of life.  (body heat, pulse...stuff like that)  

*Do not turn away to cover your face and surreptitiously wipe away a tear when the aforementioned fallen comrade finally succumbs to the inevitable.  That is when he will sit up.  You still have a second to react at this point, but not if you continue to face the camera and be Touchingly Grief-Stricken.  Cheer up!  In less than five seconds you will get to show how well you do Horrified Victim With Zombie At Throat.

*Every single character does not need a back-story.  This is confusing and makes everyone start rooting for the Zombies just to thin the cast out a bit.  Then you have way more zombies and this does no one any good...



Yeah, I know.  It's not much.  But I offer it up anyway.  You never can tell.  Sometimes even the smallest bit of information is enough to save a life when that persistent moan starts to get uncomfortably close.  I don't want to overlook anything and, while I hate to think it, there may still be one or two people out there running around in pants from the 80's and looking to vacation on a deserted, tropical island.  I suppose it is always best to err on the side of caution.

If nothing else, the hours of viewing and mentally sorting through information were good for knitting and spindling.  I'm in the home stretch of the second Happy Pink Sockie and have started whirling the spindle in the opposite direction so I can ply some alpaca.  That's something to show for my three day weekend even if I haven't exactly added to the Zombie Data Bank in a useful way.

Although I still can't help but think that if I went over those movies again I might find something.  I wonder if I could take a leave of absence from work for that.  A mere three day weekend just doesn't seem like enough time...

SA

12 comments:

trek said...

Great! Excellent advice.

I hereby promise never to slump against a wall in the jungle while wearing high-waisted pleated pants!

punkin said...

Since high-waisted pleated pants give women the illusion of a pot belly and no backside, I wonder if this style should be worn backwards. Just a thought. It might help those women who are trying to flag down help during the zombie attack while wearing these pants to take them off put them on backwards. Sorry, I got stuck on the pants ... what did you say?

Kath said...

I've seen those people in the 80's pants...we call them "tourists". I think they make fine zombie fodder and besides...drunk tourist or zombie? - hard to tell the difference sometimes.

Mia said...

well if that wasn't good zombie advice I don't know what is.

And now it's Tuesday. Yay.

And good to note how well Trek takes to your advice :)

Julie said...

I always knew those pants were evil!

Donna Lee said...

And you should never,ever consider yourself armed nor should you open doors when there is scratching on the other side if you only have a flashlight! I don't care if it is a 8 D cell maglight. They are not good weapons! I gave away my pleated pants. I have enough pot belly all on my own, thank you.

Em said...

Oh, and you should never run into the basement, even if there seems to be lots of screaming and/or blood. Also, knives don't need re-loading. Just sayin'. My housemates and I are prepared for zombie invasion and frequently discuss our strategies. We even have an elected member who will act as bait. We'll let him know, eventually...


ps--hi! I usually lurk, but the subject of zombie preparedness makes me feel the need to speak up.

erasmus (aka jiva) said...

all very fine points indeed. Although I would like to refer the honourable sheepy to the english Sean of the dead comedy zombie movie where a cricket bat is used. I'm tempted to own one just in case. Plus you've got more chance of hitting the target than with a standard baseball bat. Plus I can get hold of one here in the UK nice and easy. Big Bats am good.

Knitting Linguist said...

Excellent research summary. I particularly like the point about the backstory -- do you think my students would stop offering me their life stories if I explained to them that it just makes me cheer on the zombies?

Jeanne said...

Also, if the only footwear option in your suitcase is either sneakers or gorgeous Italian leather boots, and the boots have four-inch spiked heels, I'd think it's obvious.

Choose the boots.

That way when you do finally succumb to the attack, you'll go out well-dressed and stylish as opposed to frumpily trying to run away in your sneakers (because we all know it's hopeless anyway).

Janine said...

Dear Ms. Sheep,

Finally, people are taking this seriously! I watch Rachel Maddow and it even made it onto her show.

People hacked into a construction warning sign to warn people of the oncoming zombie attack.

Check this out on youtube!

Beth said...

I really enjoyed your list! Thanks for the laugh. :)