Wednesday, December 24, 2008

"The Minds" On Christmas Eve

It is usually my custom to do something a little special for my Christmas Eve post.  I didn't want to just wimp out and write up the usual Wednesday Night Bullet Post.  But I was simply at a loss as to what to write this year.  Nothing seemed to be jumping out at me...

However life has a way of taking care of these things.  Sometimes material just presents itself.  And, if you happen to be one of those people who lives with two warring factions within her own brain, well then the post simply jumps onto the screen!

Hysterical Mind and Rational Mind live together somewhat uneasily within my noggin.  While Rational Mind methodically goes about making sure that we manage to get out of bed each day and wear matching shoes, Hysterical Mind spends her days worrying about zombie attacks and suddenly running out of clean underpants.  It makes for fun times over here.  

Let's see how they are spending Christmas Eve this year:

We find Rational Mind bustling merrily about the kitchen and mixing up her third batch of sugar cookies.  She hums a little tune and thinks about how wonderful it is to finally have the shopping done and the presents wrapped.  Suddenly, the peaceful atmosphere is broken by the sound of something shattering and the gleeful cackle of what can only be Hysterical Mind.  Sighing, RM wipes her flour dusted hands on a towel and heads into the living room to see what her less logical counterpart is up to now.

Rational Mind:  I heard something break!  Are you OK?  Hey!!!  Those are our dinner plates!  Why are you putting them in a garbage bag?

Hysterical Mind: (gesturing with her hammer) So I don't cut myself, Silly!  Safety first, that's what I always say!  (she then begins hammering madly at the garbage bag.  The sound of all The Sheep Family Dinnerware smashing into a million pieces causes RM to wince)

RM:  Stop that!  I just washed those!  And what are we going to use for dinner now?  

HM:  Paper towels.  We're all set.  

RM:  That isn't really the point.  Why are you smashing our dishes, for crying out loud???

HM:  I'm going to spread the jagged shards under the windows.  

RM:  Wha...???

HM:  We just have to remember to wear our slippers.  Those things are wicked sharp!

(RM is speechless for a moment.  As she struggles to find something to say to this, she casts her eyes about the room.  What she sees is enough to finally bring back the words)

RM:  You've boarded up the windows.  And there is a baseball bat by the door...when did we get a baseball bat?  We don't play baseball.  We've never played baseball!  And is that barbed wire????

HM:  Yup.  We gotta fortify the place.  Take a look at this!  (Uses the hammer once again to direct RM's attention.  This time she is indicating the computer screen)

RM:  It's the NORAD site.  So?

HM:  This is the night where all must beware!  There is a prowler afoot!  And we are a fair maiden alone in this world, susceptible to intruders who might wish to threaten our fragile selves!  Steps must be taken!!!  Just look at this!  Even the government is watching this guy!!!

RM:  It's the Santa Tracker.  They just keep an eye on Santa.  It's no big deal.  They do it every year!

HM:  I know!  And yet they can't seem to catch the dastardly fiend!  He could be here any minute!  That's why I'm taking matters into my own hands!

RM:  It's Santa!  Santa Claus!  The guy who brings presents to all the good little boys and girls!

HM:  That's how he gets ya!  It's his gimmick.  He is going to break into our house and did I mention how we are like a fair maiden and whatnot?

RM:  I'm wondering if maybe you've developed something of a flexible definition of "fair maiden."  I'm not certain that the term can be stretched to include women approaching their mid-forties with sagging jawlines and a tendency towards brittle bones...

HM:  I am too a fair maiden!  I'm a hottie!  Who wouldn't want to break down the door for a piece of this!  (sticks out her ample derriere and gives it a hearty slap)

RM:  That hurt, didn't it?

HM:  No.  I'm young and fair.  Strong of bone and supple of skin, too.

RM:  Hah!  It did hurt!  You hurt your hip!!  Hah!!!

HM:  (Sticks out her tongue, whirls on her heel and limps over to the windows rubbing her sore hip.  She continues with her Home Security Measures.)

RM:  I like the barbed wired strung with the little blinking lights you got going on there.  It's very festive.  But I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about.  

HM:  Big man traveling around the world breaking into houses and using presents to lull people into a false sense of security?  And doing it according to some self-imposed schedule?Rituals...rules...a group of little henchmen doing the grunt work back at the hideout?  That is exactly the sort of thing the FBI teaches their agents to look for!

RM:  You've profiled Santa?  Seriously?

HM:  We fair maidens all alone in the world gotta have a plan...

RM:  Look.  Santa has been doing this since before forever.  For, like, a thousand years or something.  He has a good track record.  They call him "Saint" Nick, for heavens sake...

HM:  Immortal, you say?  Ohmigod!  That changes everything!  Santa isn't a man...he's a vampire!  He wants to eat our soul to preserve his endless existence!  It all makes sense!  He does travel only by night, now that I think of it!  I'll go get the garlic!

(races to the kitchen and returns with a little jar)

HM:  All I could find was garlic powder, but I'm pretty sure that will work.  Hold still and I'll sprinkle you.  Then you do me...

RM:  You are being ridiculous.  Santa is not a vampire.  He does not want to eat our soul.  Be logical.  It is obviously magic.  Sheesh...

HM:  Maybe.  But I'm not taking any chances.  Look at the computer!  He's getting closer every minute!!!  And you're out there baking cookies for him like it's perfectly normal to feed intruders!!!

RM:  I think I can settle this.  In our entire life, Santa has never once come here.  He always goes to Mommy Sheep's house.  And she has Daddy Sheep to protect her.  She'll be fine.  And this way we'll get our presents.  How does that work for you?

HM:  Hmmm...a mutually agreed upon and safe drop-off point.  That could work.  And this way I won't have to spend the night patrolling the perimeter.  I hate patrolling the perimeter.  The zombies are always somewhere right around the perimeter...

RM:  So it's settled.  No more of this nonsense.  Santa is a good man who brings us presents and, even if he wasn't, he isn't going to come here.  Are we all set?

HM:  Yup.  I'm good.  (begins dismantling the barbed wired barrier at the windows) But I'm thinking that maybe we don't need to put out any cookies for someone who isn't coming.  It seems a shame to waste them.  Why don't I just take those off your hands for you?

RM:  Sure, sweetie.  I'll go get you a plate...hey!  Wait a minute!  Was all this just a ploy to get into the sugar cookies?

HM:  Maybe....

I have no earthly idea how I am going to eat my Christmas Eve Frozen Pepperoni Pizza now that all my dishes have been sacrificed in the name of home security.  I'll figure something out, I suppose.  I guess I could just eat sugar cookies for dinner.  That might work and then I wouldn't have any dishes to wash.  

I trust that everyone is having a pleasant evening and that those of you who celebrate Christmas are readying yourselves for the big day.  I'm feeling pretty good about the whole thing.  In spite of HM's suspicions regarding the motivations of the Man In Red, I think I'm in good shape.  I've been really quite well-behaved this year, after all.

And I've been able to fall back on my "aren't I cute and see how I can make fake dimples" face for those times when I maybe needed to distract people from any poor behavior.

Yup.  I think I'm cleared for a pretty successful Christmas.  The challa is rising and should be ready for dinner tomorrow and almost all the presents are wrapped.  I'm a very good Sheepie!

How about you?

Season's Greetings to all and best wishes for a wonderful night.  And, if you are one of those who extends the invitation to enter, may Santa be very, very good to you!



Kath said...

Okay, perhaps HM goes overboard from time to time, but I think that fear of running out of clean underpants is quite understandable.

I've been awful nice this year, I think after tomorrow I might take a little time off and be naughty!

mehitabel said...

My knitting group plans to be naughty for the new year--we're going to do a Floozy GKA and cast on madly every day for a week!
I've been trying to catch up to a year's worth of pretending Christmas is coming next month. If my energy holds up, though, it might all get done...

trek said...

HM really has some issues if she is worried about clean underpants. I mean, at last report, you cleared out the unsightly ones and reduced the total to, what, 53 pairs? And then you reported on how you scored something like two dozen more pairs on a fabulous sale. I think you are safe. Unless the washing machine quits on you... Maybe that's what HM really fears.

We can understand the NORAD alert issue, here, though: Neatnik had Mommy call the North Pole two years running to cancel the Clause. (She was afraid of him.)

Merry Christmas, Sheepie!

PS - Jewish bread for Christmas dinner: very ecumenical of you!

Karen said...

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Anonymous said...

There has been much plowing of snow and sprinkling of sand and salt around Chez Kat. We should be good to get Santa in and out, no problem. Y'all have a merry one, 'kay?

Teri S. said...

You're supposed to wrap the presents? Uh oh...

HM thinks you're going to run out of clean underwear? You've got something like 80 pair? I guess if you never did laundry again...

May your perimeter be free of zombies and vampires and may you have a very merry day tomorrow!

Mouse said...

Merry Christmas to you and the gi-normous kitties! Maybe you should ask Santa for a crash helmet, some xanex, and a teddy bear for HM this year.. she seems to be getting a wee bit edgy.

April said...

Merry Christmas, Sheepie! Maybe Santa will bring you a fork lift to move the AGK around with.

catsmum said...

hey the last time I saw a sheepie photo I swear you were a blonde
... did I miss something ?

Beth said...

Loved the part where HM slaps her "ample derriere." Too funny!

Merry Christmas SA! Enjoy your celebration!

Anonymous said...

Four things:

1. You running out of underwear? Isn't gonna happen.
2. I hope that wasn't the fine china HM was taking the hammer to!
3. Nice Hat.
4. Merry Christmas, Princess :-)

Geraldine said...

Wishing you and your family (kitties included OF COURSE) the very best in 2009! You look adorable Sheep!

Hugs, G

Cathy said...

Oh. So that's what a web cam is for.


You are right, I loved this dialog!!

Rabbitch said...

I was bad all year. I still got a Pashmina.

Hope your day was merry! xo