Sunday, December 28, 2008

Excuse Me While I Mop Up The Drool...

I'm no doctor.  I do not claim to have advanced medical knowledge or anything.  A Doctoral degree takes a really long time to get and I simply do not have the patience for that sort of nonsense.

I do, however, have a Master's degree.  That counts for something, I should imagine.  It didn't take as long to get that as a PhD would have and I really needed something to hang on the wall to cover up a nail hole.  I also watch a great deal of television and there are lots of doctors to be found there.  I feel like I can speak with some authority regarding the workings of the human body.

It is with this esteemed background that I report to you the effects of the holiday on all systems involved in making us walk upright and continue breathing.  I am a little hazy on the details at this point, but I estimate that I have been pretty much sprawled on the couch and noshing on Straight-From-The-Stocking-Chocolates since Thursday.  By my calculations, that is about six months.  

The results have been shocking.  I believe that my blood has taken on the consistency of chewy caramel and that my brain is now almost 67% nougat.  My movements have slowed to the point where most people think I am actually standing still.  Some believe I am a street performer of some sort and are willing to throw change at my feet.  That is nice of them, but medical attention would probably be more appreciated right now.  I don't think a human being can continue to live like this.  I can only hope that I go into some sort of suspended animation like a tick and can maybe be revived at a later date.

The day started out fairly well.  I made it to the grocery store.  I found my way back home and even put most of the stuff away before the lethargy hit me full force.  That was the end of me.

I brought a full two liter bottle of soda with me to the sofa because I found the thought of pouring a single serving to be simply too much to contemplate.

I sat in one position for so long that I actually gave myself a headache.  It was not a comfortable position either.  Nor was I knitting at the time, so I don't even have that to account for the neck strain.  I just couldn't find the will to move.

Seeing that temperatures were in the fifties and wondering if perhaps there was some sort of gas leak in the place, I opened a window for some fresh air.  I had to take a nap after that.  

The window is still open.  It has gotten chilly but my limbs will not move enough to carry me over to where I need to be in order to close it.  And even if I got there, I don't know if I have the strength in my chocolate-dipped muscles to perform the necessary closing actions.

It occurred to me that I would really have to work up the will to do much of anything today.

It then occurred to me that I would need to work up the will to think about working up the will to do anything today.

The next occurrence involved realizing that I would need to work up the will to think about working up the will to think about working up the will to do anything today.

After that, I'm pretty sure I had a stroke or something because the next thing I knew it was 3:00 in the afternoon and I had no idea what happened to the previous two hours.

I need to face the facts:  I have been sitting for too long.  I have atrophied and have not even managed to do so in a comfortable position.  I don't want to be stuck in this position for the rest of my life.  I need to come up with a plan of some sort for the remainder of the week or else the nougat is going to completely take over my higher thought functions.  I'm really glad that the holiday candy at the grocery store was of the non-nougat variety.  It was half price and I would have bought it anyway...

Only one thing happened today that even remotely peaked my interest.  It was the kind of thing that should have immediately caused me to go "Oh my goodness gracious!"  But it took me several minutes to really process what I was seeing.

The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty is the recognized King Of The Recliner.  He claimed this piece of furniture pretty early in his transition to life here at the manse and no one thought to challenge it.  The Big, Fluffy Kitty will settle down there if he isn't around, but normally leaves him to it.



It's like his throne...


Today, after a morning spent bickering and hissing, we saw something a bit different.  It was enough to make even a logy Sheepie roll over and snag the camera to capture the moment.



The BFK joined her brother on the recliner.  Not touching him, mind you.  Cuz boys are icky and all that...


Maybe it was the soothing effect of the Christmas tree.  Perhaps it was the fact that that window was open and she was cold.  It could also be that the BFK realized that Mommy was rapidly petrifying and that the need for teamwork might be imminent.  The odds of getting the food bag open would be better if eight paws were on the job...

I can't blame her for being concerned.  Even that little blip in the routine and possible sign of the Apocalypse didn't really get me off the couch for any length of time.  I still think I can manage to get a can or two open for them tonight.  Then I will go to bed and rest up from all my sitting and breathing.  I have a big day tomorrow.

I'm going to try to sit in a new and comfortable position.  Maybe I'll even move to the recliner.  It seems to be the hot spot around here these days...

SA 

7 comments:

Kath said...

The experience that happened to you today occurs almost every night here at Chez Cat Hair By The Sea. It takes place when we obtain that perfect trifecta of space heater, computer, and lap cat - and I find I'm just too damn comfortable to get up and go to bed! Suddenly it's after midnight...

Therefore I would warn you against choosing the recliner, no matter how attractive it may seem. With not just one, but TWO fluffy kitties, you risk a permanent "body to furniture adhesion" as it is commonly known. The long-term effects of this malady can be too terrifying to contemplate.

trek said...

What? All that lolling about the manse and no thought to zombie preparedness refresher courses?! Or were you watching training videos. We all know how the important training videos are.

Are you sure that the zombies have not taken over the cats? That would be the thing that they would do, in order that they might have an easier time of taking over in your little corner of the world on the way to universal domination.

Julie said...

I can't help but notice that BFK and AGK are not even facing the same direction; it's like neither one of them is willing to admit that they are sharing the seat of honor!

BTW, I fully expect to see you at CWS Tuesday night whether you're heading for a sugar induced coma or not!

catsmum said...

but on the plus side [ for us ] you did at least summon enough energy to get to the computer and tell us all about what you didn't do today... and that photo of the kitties glaring in opposite directions - well, Chez Catsmum we have that times three-and-a-dog

Beth said...

What would happen if you sat in the recliner and held both of them in your lap? Would I be hearing about you on the evening news: "Women caught in middle of feline fracas"

Donna Lee said...

I have to fight the lethargy and get myself off to bed so I am awake enough to go to work tomorrow. That is easier said than done. I am quite comfortable on my couch and would have to move and walk upstairs to go to bed. The couch might be comfy....

Mia said...

Oh my, i hear ya on the christmas coma. And here i sit eating a cookie that's way too sweet and i don't even want. Yet it is breakfast and I must go to work today. Not to do any work, but I must go. Enjoy your new position today :)

And what Kath said - kitty, heater, lap - there is no escape.