Tuesday, March 13, 2007


I seriously don't know how I function in this world. I don't know why anyone dares to leave me to my own devices at all. Why there haven't been a phalanx of support staff, caregivers and social services people knocking on my door at all hours is beyond me.

I know by now that I function best within a certain routine. I don't do well with change. I get all flustered and excited. I do stupid things. I don't suddenly find myself married or with vast piles of unexplained cash lying about or anything. I've never had to go before a judge to explain my actions. But it is always a possibility, I suppose.

I need a keeper. I should take out an advertisement in the local paper or wear a sign around my neck. Feel free to send your resumes to: Confused Sheep c/o General Delivery.

Last week, in a well-intentioned attempt to save myself a little time, I went to a different store to do the weekly marketing. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It was a nice big super-dooper store that sells groceries, underpants and auto parts all under one roof. It was brilliant really. But, I think I got a little overwhelmed by all the possibilities. I knew that I needed the weekly groceries (which is really fairly simple since I eat the same thing every day) and a zipper for the bag I had just cast off the needles. Not too challenging. But I somehow found myself completely awestruck by the large display marked, "We Overbaked!!" that held many, many baked goods at ridiculously reduced prices. Why I felt I needed two dozen cheese danish I will never know. I actually could use the dinner rolls...but not nearly the amount that I purchased.

So entranced was I by the thought of freshly baked yummies gracing my cupboards that I completely neglected to purchase the healthier items that comprise my daily lunches. With the recent tightening of the waistband on my jeans, it is really somewhat important that I stick to my daily Fruit-Only routine during the day. Every once in a while, I live it up and have one of those 90 calorie snack bars, but I'm fairly committed to the fruit. Except when I forget to buy it.

It's not like I didn't end up going to my regular store later to get all the other things that I couldn't find in the super-dooper store. I could have easily redeemed myself at that point. But I didn't. I did, however, find a cool new shade of eyeshadow...it is kind of the color of fruit.

And so it was that The Sheep stood in her kitchen this morning with limited choices for her lunchtime fare. The final outcome involved the packing of a withered orange from last week and the last three low-cal cereal bars, the vintage of which is unclear given my track record for cleaning out the larder. It was a tough choice: death by food poisoning or starvation. Hysterical Mind had a field day with this one, I tellya... Hunger won out and I did eat my stale food, but I was nervous and had to fight the urge to have the school nurse check my pulse and temperature on an hourly basis.

I stopped at the store on the way home today and grabbed some bananas and apples to see me through the week. I suppose I can award myself some points for getting it right eventually. But there is going to come a day when I will be unable to care for myself at even this most pathetic of levels. It is simple biology, really. The mind starts to falter after a certain number of birthdays. If I'm living like this now, I shudder to think what is going to be happening during my golden years.

I'm not completely useless at this point, though. I'm doing remarkably well with those activities that have nothing to do with actual survival. I finished the first bobbin of the Merino/Silk blend from Spunky Eclectic and am into the second. I've been spinning a bit thicker these days for reasons I can't explain. But, I'm pleased with the results and think that this is going to make for a stunning worsted weight yarn.

Rocky Mountain High...a colorway I am coming to love!
Assuming that I can remember to actually feed and water myself, I may even have the strength to finish up another bobbin this week. Who knows? I might even manage to get it plied! And if all else fails, I still have all those cheese danish that need to be consumed by the sole occupant of this household before they go stale. That could keep me alive long enough to get this done before my arteries clog up with the cheese and trans fats.
Really...send those resumes, Professional Caregivers. Someone needs to be checking in here.


trek said...

Oh, Sheepie One! Just wait until tomorrow's post from chez trek.

Really, though, how on earth are you going to find a keeper? Most shepherds are only accustomed to managing four hooved sheep...

Beth said...

Two dozen cheese danishes? You might want to take them to school to share. (I know if I had them here, I would have no willpower at all. They'd be gone in a few days.) Maybe if you give them way, someone will volunteer to fill your available position.

The yarn is looking terrific!

Sheila said...

What I'm wondering is...did the panty count go up with the trip to the mega store?
I was spending a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret today when one of the salesgirls and I got into a panty conversation. She was telling me which were her favorites and which she haden't yet tried, then she said that she knew a girl who worked at VS and had over 700 pairs of panties!! She apparently takes them home and hides them from her husband by wrapping them as Christmas gifts so he won't freak out...but never gives them away. Just thought I'd share.

mrichme said...

Sheepish, how much does the job pay? What are the job responsibilities? CamMad needs to earn their keep around here!

April said...

If you get an abundance of resumes please share. I am in desperate need of a keeper, myself.

Mel said...

That is a job for which I shall not apply. I know my limitations. ;-)

As for the cereal bars, I think you can be pretty well certain that they're so heavily processed that their decay occurs something along the lines of carbon-14. They'll be fine for millennia

Anonymous said...

Don't worry. The feeding and watering somehow take care of themself. My niece has strict instruction to put me in a nursing home only if I don't know what to do with string and 2 sticks in front of me.

Anonymous said...

I think you need a list and a pen when you shop. I know it sounds simple but really it takes your mind off all the other things yelling out for attention.
Will those extra cheese danish freeze? I know nothing about leftovers. I live with a pack of wolves.
Your spinning looks fabulous!

Mia said...

I need a "care giver" too ::laughing:: Sounds like you and I are in the same situation as far as our nutritional offerings at home, and hey, at least YOU didn't manage to leave your purse there!

Lilith Parker said...

Does the job come with a benefits package? Maybe yarn? Use of a spinning wheel? ;)

CursingMama said...

Have somewhat able bodied teen boy living in my midst. Capable of assiting with grocery shoping and sometimes shoveling snow. Eats & sleeps a lot.

Free To Good Home. May come in handy as a personal care giver.

(the good part of the home is negotiable)

Anne said...


Maybe you should invest now in the large box of safety pins and notecards to start pinning notes to your cardigan sweater. I used to call myself from the cell phone and leave a voice mail on my office or home answering machine from me, telling me to do something. Otherwise...pfffttt.... gone with the wind. (heh - I typed gone with the wine - maybe that is the issue).

Bobbi said...

LOL glad to know I am not the only one who can not handle too many options! I avoid department stores for just this reason. I become overwhelmed and then I end up running in a small circle flapping my arms and apparently that sort of thing is frowned upon.

Good luck with finding a keeper, if you have any promising resumes left over, send them my way!

Amy Boogie said...

You don't need a keeper, just a helper monkey. I bet you could get one of those.

That would be good, the monkey could feed you cheese danish WHILE you are spinning or knitting.

hmmm... now I want a helper monkey. And some cheese danish...