Monday, March 26, 2007

Hysteria...with a side of rational.

One brain...two minds.

Rational Mind and Hysterical Mind are hard at work processing recent events as only they can. We come upon the two as Rational Mind stares, stunned momentarily beyond words, at the sight of Hysterical Mind, draped in and reeking of garlic and scampering from corner to corner. Perched atop HM's head is a precariously balanced headdress of brightly colored feathers, some of which are dropping off in response to her vigorous movements.

Hysterical Mind: (mumbling) gotta make it safe, gotta make it safe, gotta make it safe, gotta...

Rational Mind: (recovering from her momentary shock) What on earth are you doing?

HM: Cursed!!! We are cursed, I tellya!!! I'm taking measures to oppose the dark forces at work against us. Move over...that lamp needs a hit of the garlic. (carefully drapes garlic over lampshade then heads to the television to perform the same action)

RM: Since when are we cursed? And get that garlic offa me!!!

HM: Are you kidding me? How can you not see this? First, the truck gets the seizures and almost shakes the fillings right out of our head and today the toilet breaks!!!!! This is a pattern!!! There are signs afoot here! Clearly we have been targeted by bad mojo, cursed by powerful forces, or have tampered with some unnatural order. It is only a matter of time before a meteor falls on our head. We can rest easy tonight, though. I'm on the case. Could you just hand me those matches? Thanks.

RM: Anytime. Um...look. I think you may be making a bit much of this. Frankly, it really all seems like more of a coincidence. Let's face it...these things were all on the "to be dealt with" list. They were going to need some attention. Sure, it stinks that it happened all at once. But "cursed" seems to be overstating things somewhat.

HM: You, my friend, are naive. This is a curse. If anyone knows a curse, it's me. I live for this stuff. You just sit back and let ol' HM take care of things. What do you think of this incense? That'll take the wind out of old Mr. Curse's sails!

RM: It smells like feet.

HM: Cool, huh? I got it at the Dollar Store.

RM: Hard to believe. Again, I really think that you are making too much of a simple coincidence. The truck is fixed, although I admit that the cost was a bit staggering. And as far as the toilet goes, it was certainly inconvenient having to turn off the water at 6:00 in the morning. But, the sound of rushing water does make one have to know. And without a working commode that can complicate matters. But we took care of it when we got home this afternoon. It's fixed. You are...wait a minute. Omigod!!! Is that lamb's blood over the door?????????

HM: was supposed to be. But I got the heebie-jeebies when I really thought about having to touch actual corpuscles so I kind of had to improvise.

RM: I really don't want to ask. And yet I find myself strangely compelled. What, pray tell, have you smeared over our door?

HM: Strawberry jam. I'm pretty sure that it's all about the "intent." I don't think that the dark forces are going to get all picky about the actual chemical make-up of our warding symbols. Speaking of which...check this out! (Spits enthusiastically on the floor whilst making complicated pointing gestures with her fingers) Cool, huh? Some lady at the Dollar Store told me about that one! She virtually guaranteed that it would ward off the evil!

RM: Oh, good. You are sharing your thoughts with others. How nice. I was worried that this was the kind of thing that we might just consider keeping to ourselves. How super that you're bringing the community into our little adventures.

HM: Glad you're seeing it my way. We need all the help we can get. Meanwhile, step aside so I can draw this complicated symbol in salt on the carpet. While you were checking out the plumbing supplies, I met this cool guy who said that he'd come over and show us a neat dance we could do around it that is sure to protect us from incoming meteors. He even said he'd bring his own chicken, although I have no earthly idea why we need a chicken around here. That seems rather silly. But he seemed pretty insistent. Hey, where are you going?

RM: Kitchen. Time for a NyQuil cocktail. Or two.

HM: Hey, make it three if you want. I'm on the curse thing and the toilet is working so we're all set.

As you can see, things are a bit hectic around here right now. In between managing an oddly efficient curse-breaking HM, I now need to wrangle RM, who is happily sipping cold medication and telling anyone who will listen that she no longer cares what anyone does around here. I also need to come up with the survey that I foolishly volunteered to invent for my class on Wednesday then write up a test report for a meeting that may or may not be happening on the same day. And, apparently, I am soon to be visited by a dancing man with a chicken.

Someday, I may knit again...



April said...

I'm so glad I didn't bother to tell you that last Friday, according to my ThinkGeek Demotivator calendar, was "Near Miss Day." On that day, in 1989, a huge asteroid almost collided with Earth. Maybe you're just catching up?

I also watched "Night Of The Living Dead" on Saturday and thought of you.

Mouse said...

*snorts her coffee*

kmkat said...

Whatever you do, don't let HM near your purse. She'll discover you have exactly $6.66 in change and will completely lose it. As if she hasn't already.

Brenda said...

Oh, dear. I recommend a mojito. Much tastier than Nyquil.

trek said...

Seconding kmkat.
And isn't there anything better tasting around there than Nyquil?
Say, Godiva hot chocolate with lots of whipped cream to induce an endorphin haze??

Sheila said...

Oh Dear....looks like HM is in control again. Don't let her drag you to the Hunky Mechanic's shop. A few words from her and any chance of a marriage will be out the window!

brenda said...

I'm off to take my cold medication too. Cheers!

Bobbi said...

LOL - sounds like you've had a tough week but glad to hear things are fixed!

Beth said...

Glad the toilet's fixed! Maybe that's where/when you can find some knitting time? Multi-tasking's the way to go. ;)

mehitabel said...

Just caught up on your last week's worth of postings, and it sounds as if you have finally gotten some good out of HM. If her chanting. garlic-strewing, etc, bring you a cute guy with a chicken, that could be fun. And if not, well, there's always that bottle of NyQuil. Just don't take it to school... teacher here got fired for letting the kids test out its alcohol content. Would I lie to you about this??

Anonymous said...

Do you think the chicken man is as hunky as the mechanic? Somehow I doubt it.

laurie in maine said...

Snorting liquids, as well...maybe you could smear some strawberry jam onto the survey at some point?

Oh yeah...watching discovery channel the other night it seems our moon is leaving earth's orbit. Earth will start spinning so fast & wonky we'll all fly off. Maybe a kabillion years from now - if it makes a difference to HM?

Anne said...

How can you possibly be cursed when you are churning out such fabu spinning? It doesn't seem possible. Truly.

Lorraine said...

HM has been pretty quiet for awhile. Guess it was time for her to break out. Nearly choked on a chicken bone laughing. Oops, is the curse spreading? Don't tell the dancing man!

Cathy said...

And here I've been wasting time painting when I could have been laughing. My priorities suck. No. Used to suck. I changed them.