Thursday, December 21, 2006

You Know You're Ready For School Vacation When:

1. You see a sock in progress a metaphor for life. After loftily posting of my triumph in knitting a flap, heel turning and stitch picking, I was struck low last night by the realization that the working yarn was not where it was supposed to be. It was close. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to get it where it needed to be for sockage to continue. Apparently, my brain has turned to oatmeal in the past few weeks of holiday knitting and child-ego tending. There was much fiddling, stitch-swapping and swearing. I knew the answer was a simple one. Whatever I did is still something of a mystery, but I put things back where they belonged and gusset decreases are in progress. It wasn't until my drive home from work today that I did the ol' head-slap and cried, "knit to where you're supposed to be, stupid!" The remainder of the day has been spent trying to find a deeper meaning in all this.

2. Your cat of the smaller and less fluffy variety is sitting on the kitchen counter where she is not supposed to be with her unsanitary bum and is howling loudly. I have gotten up several times to see what Her Majesty needs, but she jumps down each time. I am now fully engaged in a battle of wills with this creature and will ignore her despite what is clearly an evil genius plan on her part to drive me insane beyond the point of return.

3. You make the decision to purchase an outfit for your brother's new dog. If I had a dog, I wouldn't dress him up. Dogs deserve better. But I am tired and am purchasing a gift for my canine "nephew" despite not having shopped for some of the humans in my life yet. I am taking it out on the dog. This is unfair and unjust and I am doing it anyway. He is a Teacup Terrier. It's not like he's not going to have to learn some defensive skills in the doggie world. The outfit will just force him to do it sooner. Seriously...I worked this all out in my head at the pet store.

4. You arrive home and loudly announce for all to hear that you are sick of diet food, don't care what anyone thinks and that you will be eating fried chicken for dinner. This might not be such a big deal if I didn't live alone. Or if the cats had been around somewhere. But I was all by my lonesome in the middle of the kitchen. And the pronouncement was made loudly and with grand gestures. It was followed by a pause as if I was awaiting some sort of validation. I'm further disturbed by the fact that none was forthcoming.

5. The principal calls you in the classroom to inform you that the student who has been the beneficiary of your undivided attention and assistance over the last few days in a futile attempt to help him hold it together this week while his classroom teacher is out on sick leave is being sent home with pink eye. I'd like to say that Rational Mind handled this discovery. But she did not. She has been on hiatus for a few days and Hysterical Mind has had to pick up the slack. HM did not take this news well. She is building a bunker and does not want to be near children ever again. She is cancelling Christmas and does not wish to be seen in public in the event that her eyes become puffy and oozy. I have several calls out to RM but she is not picking up. I could use her help right now because HM also seems to have some questions about the chicken we had for dinner tonight.

I have one more day. Just one. Then I can send the children home to their real mommies and daddies. I, their seven hour surrogate, will love them all the more for their absence in my life for a week. Seriously...we need some space.

That will make it all better. I'm sure of it...

SA

17 comments:

trek said...

1. Of course a sock in progress is a metaphor for life!
2. Kill the cat?
3. Defenstrate the dog?
4. Rabbit food will do that to a Sheep.
5. Yes, it is time for vacation to commence. Have you any sick days left?

mrichme said...

1. When you now that you should take care of business but you don't care or you're unmotivated to worry.

2. You've got the countdown in minutes not days

catsmum said...

I think the fact that you can still mine all of these things for blog humour is a good sign... I take it that pink eye is some awful mucky contagious something that we are to hope the little beggar didn't pass on to you whilst you were delivering all that up-close-and-personal sheepie attention.

Beth said...

Ooo, I'm with you (I mean HM) on being worried about pink eye. Yuck! On our last day of school, several kids were out/went home sick. I washed my hands so many times that day that they were raw by the end of it. You can almost see the germs jumping toward you, can't you? Or maybe that's just how I see it.

By the way, today I received a lovely photo of a certain Sheep. ;) Thanks!

Mel said...

Wash your hands after dealing with children and cat ass (or where cat ass has been) and HM will have nothign to worry about (as if that will stop her). The whole talking to yourself bit, though? You're on your own for that one. Just like you were to begin with.

April said...

Fried chicken makes everything better. Well except for when it comes to the chicken. Then it sorta makes things worse. That chicken was probably suicidal anyway.

Kate said...

If your brother has purchased a dog that is a teacup anything, he has to expect little clothes will follow. Don't touch your eye. Mine is itching thinking about it. HM is trying to protect you from all the viruses floating around this time of year.

Anonymous said...

You will survive!
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

Lazuli said...

I had pinkeye at Christmas once. Yuck. I hope you don't get it! Good luck getting through the last day; you will make it.

debsnm said...

Sounds like kitty has found a new game - never underestimate the deviousness of the feline mind! My 3 think up new ways to drive us crazy all the time!

Lazuli said...

Oh, I forgot to add... RM says to HM (at least in my world): "I prefer to think of the cats as fastidious little beings. That prevents fears about where their little nether regions go, or have been." HM isn't sure whether or not to buy the hype...

CursingMama said...

You're sending them home?!?!

CRAP! I thought I was going to have a nice long weekend to myself.

Merry Christmas!

Lee Anne said...

Hope you survived the last days at school. I think I would be baricading myself in my apartment and not coming out. :) Or at least I would feel like that was what I wanted to do but would go on about my holiday business anyway...I'm such a wimp.

Annie said...

I'm guessing you made it through your day by now. I hope you enjoy your very much deserved break.

Debby said...

What you said...about the kiddies...is how I feel about some of my grown-up charges. SO glad I'm off now. I'm thrilled to get ANY mind back...we'll sort out whether it's HM or RM later!!

Get lots of rest, lots of antibacterial everything, and have a wonderful Christmas with your family. Thank you for the gift of laughter -- it is much appreciated.

Lorraine said...

Sat down to catch up. Boy, have I missed some fun! Does HM calm down during vacation and is she influenced by alcohol-laden egg-nog? Merry Christmas and thanks for the holiday cheer!

Debbie said...

Hope this finds you in the midst of some well-deserved consumption of Christmas goodies. Happy holidays, Sheep!