Gone.

I worked tonight at job #2. I did it because I am having a "proceeeeeedure" on Friday (my usual office day), the Parents of Unique Learners Program binder is due to be delivered to the head office tomorrow and because I am just so easily manipulated that I picked up a new client for parenting education. Actually this last commitment is looking to be an easy one given that it is only for an hour per week and the parent is pretty open to the whole process. But it makes for a long day and that is probably why I ended up frolicking amongst the sock yarn when I came home.

It seemed perfectly logical at the time...

I pulled out all the sock yarns, new and old. There were so many colors, fibers and weights. I lined them up according to size. I rearranged them by color. I made interesting patterns out of the skeins and gave serious thought to seeing if I could lay down in their midst and roll around a bit...perhaps make a "yarn angel" or two. You know. The usual stuff knitters do when away from prying and judgemental eyes. Then it hit me.

I've lost it.

Not my sanity. Contrary to all indicators, I'm still clinging to a few precious threads of normal at this point. It's not much, but it's what I've got. No, I've lost something else: the desire to knit unto others.

All I want to do right now is crank out sock after sock. And I want them to be mine. Allllllll mine! I do not want to knit handwarmers for my stylist. I have no desire to complete the scarf I've been working on for one of my staff members. I do not want to start a scarf for the other staff member. I want to sit on my couch and knit socks that are for me and me alone. And I want them to all be the the same plain, old, boring sock that I keep knitting over and over. I want the colors and fibers to be the change-up in this equation. I want to lock the doors and knit socks for my very own self until they come to the door, break it down and haul me away for at that point we will all be able to safely say that the sanity is, in fact, lost.

Not only is this slightly unreasonable, it is really quite poorly timed. The whole holiday thing is looming and I really wanted to be a good knitter this year. I envisioned all my friends and family with my knitted gifts in hand, trembling at the beauty and thoughtfulness of my present unto them, unable to find the words to express their thanks. I wanted to stand quietly in the background as this was going on murmuring things like, "No, really...it was nothing. I'm a giver...it's just what I do."

I'm beginning to think that this might be something of a pipe dream at this point. I may need to let it go and hit the stores with a vengeance over the next few weeks to purchase gifts. OK...scratch the, "may." I need to do this. The whole Queen Sheep of the Knitted Gifts thing is doomed to failure. It is what it is, I suppose.

Maybe I can give people hand made coupons to come view the sock yarn. I could even do a show of some sort with juggling or making the sock yarn sit up and beg. That could be fun...

SA