A Question For The Clean People

I had something of a startling realization last night. It came upon me all of a sudden. Most of my epiphanies are a bit slower in their dawning. This one came on hard. I can't see any way out of this trap in which I have ensnared myself. If anyone out there sees a step I am missing, I beg of you, drop me a comment. I'm drowning here.

Having spent two-thirds of the long weekend cleaning my bathroom, I was nothing short of thrilled with the results. Every surface glimmered and twinkled at me as if to say, "Fine job there, Sheepie!" Sure, there was still some clutter. But it was "clean" clutter, if you know what I mean. I tell you, I could have removed my own spleen right there on the vinyl flooring and had nary a concern for infection. I almost called the local hospitals to volunteer the space for any extra surgeries for which they might not have room.

I think that many people, upon attaining bathroom perfection, have the same fantasy. You know the one I'm talking about: You light a bunch of candles, draw yourself a nice bubble bath and soak away just like in the movies. This idea has its appeal until you settle in and realize:

1. Movie Bubbles bear no resemblance to Real Life Bubbles. This is disappointing.

2. Even with all the candles, it is sort of dark in the bathroom and you really have nothing to do save examine your toes which are sorely in need of a pedicure. Eventually, your mind wanders and then you're just sitting in the dark thinking about zombies.

3. Candles are made of fire. It would be really, really tragic if they were to suddenly set a towel, the shower curtain or, (heaven forbid), your hair alight. This last thought is enough to bring the entire production to a sudden halt.

With that nonsense behind me, I settled comfortably on the couch with a little Mountain Dew and some Monday night television. It was only a matter of time before nature (assisted by the beverages) ran its predictable course. I am only human, after all. Suddenly, I found that I had to...you know.

But, I just spent two days cleaning this bathroom. You know isn't something I want in my shiny, sparkly bathroom! You know is only going to sully its beauty and intrude upon the disinfection! I won't have it..I just won't!!!! This leaves me with only a few options:

1. Hold it forever. That is impractical. I'd be willing to give it a try, but I just don't see it happening. I can barely hold it when I sneeze these days and that's when I don't even think I need to go.

2. Share the litter box with the cats. They overruled this one without discussion. They were rather unreasonable about the whole matter, frankly. But, I am a little afraid of them at times and don't want to have to spend the rest of my days sleeping with one eye open.

3. Drive to the gas station down the street every half hour. This one might have actually worked, especially if I managed to time it with the commercials. But then I got to thinking that there are times when I get in there and realize that I don't really have to you know. A few minutes later I really do have to but under this plan, by then I will be back home and this will throw off the whole schedule. I don't have Tivo or a DVR or anything so I can't see this strategy working for very long.

This left me with option #4. I don't even like to consider it. But, I've done the math. And, unless someone else out there with more cleaning experience than I has some other idea, this is the horrific realization with which I am stuck.

I think that cleaning might be temporary. I further think that, despite a two day cleaning frenzy, I might have to do it again!.

If this is the case, whom do I call about this? I cannot believe that, after hours and hours of scrubbing, I am not finished. I can accept that I might have to do it again in twenty years or so. But, I have a very, very bad feeling that the you know is going to really make for some problems in there. I also noticed a few water spots on my shiny chrome this morning. And a teeny, tiny little dust ball rolled in from one of the less pristine rooms as I was exiting the Clean Zone later this afternoon. There may very well be contaminates out there that want to live in my bathroom. What am I going to do????? There has to be some sort of government agency one can call to complain about this issue! I refuse to believe that this is just the primitive state in which we are expected to live!!!!

Meh. Nothing ever works out the way I think it's going to. Maybe now that I'm a Master Lace Knitter, I can just whip up a slip cover for the bathroom and be done with it.

SA