Tuesday, October 09, 2007

A Question For The Clean People

I had something of a startling realization last night. It came upon me all of a sudden. Most of my epiphanies are a bit slower in their dawning. This one came on hard. I can't see any way out of this trap in which I have ensnared myself. If anyone out there sees a step I am missing, I beg of you, drop me a comment. I'm drowning here.

Having spent two-thirds of the long weekend cleaning my bathroom, I was nothing short of thrilled with the results. Every surface glimmered and twinkled at me as if to say, "Fine job there, Sheepie!" Sure, there was still some clutter. But it was "clean" clutter, if you know what I mean. I tell you, I could have removed my own spleen right there on the vinyl flooring and had nary a concern for infection. I almost called the local hospitals to volunteer the space for any extra surgeries for which they might not have room.

I think that many people, upon attaining bathroom perfection, have the same fantasy. You know the one I'm talking about: You light a bunch of candles, draw yourself a nice bubble bath and soak away just like in the movies. This idea has its appeal until you settle in and realize:

1. Movie Bubbles bear no resemblance to Real Life Bubbles. This is disappointing.

2. Even with all the candles, it is sort of dark in the bathroom and you really have nothing to do save examine your toes which are sorely in need of a pedicure. Eventually, your mind wanders and then you're just sitting in the dark thinking about zombies.

3. Candles are made of fire. It would be really, really tragic if they were to suddenly set a towel, the shower curtain or, (heaven forbid), your hair alight. This last thought is enough to bring the entire production to a sudden halt.

With that nonsense behind me, I settled comfortably on the couch with a little Mountain Dew and some Monday night television. It was only a matter of time before nature (assisted by the beverages) ran its predictable course. I am only human, after all. Suddenly, I found that I had to...you know.

But, I just spent two days cleaning this bathroom. You know isn't something I want in my shiny, sparkly bathroom! You know is only going to sully its beauty and intrude upon the disinfection! I won't have it..I just won't!!!! This leaves me with only a few options:

1. Hold it forever. That is impractical. I'd be willing to give it a try, but I just don't see it happening. I can barely hold it when I sneeze these days and that's when I don't even think I need to go.

2. Share the litter box with the cats. They overruled this one without discussion. They were rather unreasonable about the whole matter, frankly. But, I am a little afraid of them at times and don't want to have to spend the rest of my days sleeping with one eye open.

3. Drive to the gas station down the street every half hour. This one might have actually worked, especially if I managed to time it with the commercials. But then I got to thinking that there are times when I get in there and realize that I don't really have to you know. A few minutes later I really do have to but under this plan, by then I will be back home and this will throw off the whole schedule. I don't have Tivo or a DVR or anything so I can't see this strategy working for very long.

This left me with option #4. I don't even like to consider it. But, I've done the math. And, unless someone else out there with more cleaning experience than I has some other idea, this is the horrific realization with which I am stuck.

I think that cleaning might be temporary. I further think that, despite a two day cleaning frenzy, I might have to do it again!.

If this is the case, whom do I call about this? I cannot believe that, after hours and hours of scrubbing, I am not finished. I can accept that I might have to do it again in twenty years or so. But, I have a very, very bad feeling that the you know is going to really make for some problems in there. I also noticed a few water spots on my shiny chrome this morning. And a teeny, tiny little dust ball rolled in from one of the less pristine rooms as I was exiting the Clean Zone later this afternoon. There may very well be contaminates out there that want to live in my bathroom. What am I going to do????? There has to be some sort of government agency one can call to complain about this issue! I refuse to believe that this is just the primitive state in which we are expected to live!!!!

Meh. Nothing ever works out the way I think it's going to. Maybe now that I'm a Master Lace Knitter, I can just whip up a slip cover for the bathroom and be done with it.



Anne said...

If that works, let me know. There's a national holiday coming in a month or so and I might get around to emulating the scrub-fest .... but not if I might have to do it AGAIN a few days later!

Jeanne said...

There is another option, but it DEPENDS on whether or not you seek cleanliness or TRANQUILITY. You could PAMPER yourself silly that way.

Then drive to the gas station every few hours to dispose of the goods.

I, too, was horrified the moment I realized that cleaning is temporary. ::sigh:: Live in the moment, I guess.

crzjane said...

Do you have friendly neighbors that would let your use their facilities? That could work, but probably not in the middle of the night.

Anonymous said...

You could do what I do. I got this idea from a home organization website (flylady.com). Each morning, after you have finished with your morning bathroom ritual (shower, hair, makeup, toothbrushing, etc.) spend about two minutes doing the following. Put everything where it belongs (incuding picking up the clothes on the floor). Using paper towels and Windex, clean the mirror, counter, sink and toilet. Just spray them all then start wiping them down. Then keep a toilet brush with holder in the bathroom. Pour some kind of soap/water into the holder -- I use ammonia, but she says you can use any kind of liquid soap. Swish out the toilet bowl. She falls this process 'Swish and Swipe. If I do this each day, my bathroom is always company ready -- even if I am not having company.

You will only have to 'clean' the bathroom when the tub needs to be cleaned. She has a time saving way to do that too.

Hope this is helpful. I really do find that I don't mind doing it. If I am in a hurry to leave, I do it as soon as I return to the house.


kmkat said...

I must have read that same internet article that Lynn did because I was going to suggest the same thing. Not that I do that in my own bathroom, you understand; I have males, two, living in my home. You can imagine what that means -- I'd have to mop the floor every damn day, too.

Beth said...

Save up and buy an astronaut suit. Apparently they're designed to handle "you know." :)

brenda said...

When my bathroom sparkles like that, I like to have people over just so they can use the bathroom and notice how CLEAN it is! I'll have to remember to serve lots of Mountain Dew.

Anonymous said...

I like Jeanne's idea :-)

Alwen said...

Almost everybody has one little zone of control -- mine is the bathroom chrome. We have hard water, so once I get that chrome shining, I take 3 seconds and dry every drop off after a shower.

The rest of the house might look like a post-zombie apocalypse Toys R Us, but my bathroom chrome is sparkly!

We will not speak of 8-year-old boys (or their fathers) aiming skills.

(Can Blogger be reading this? My verification work is "skobbw"!)

Mel said...

Well, I'm certainly not the person to ask. Living in a two-boy household, I'd have to say that wiping the edge of the bowl frequently is important, but I'm thinking you probably don't have the same issues regarding aim. One hopes not, anyway.

April said...

One word.


You can thank me later.

Anonymous said...

That's why I don't even bother. Just move every few years.

trek said...

I am sorry to say that I cannot think of a single work-free solution for you there, Sheepie. I can only think about the state of our bathroom and try to wedge in some cleaning time at some point later today.

Emma in France said...

My solution (should I ever be able to afford it) will be to pay a cleaner.

Although, actually I think what I really need is a 'tidy-er', I quite enjoy cleaning when I get stuck in to it but I hate tidying up.

Geraldine said...

Sharing the litter box...NOT even a consideration Sheep, you would never even sleep again, period!!!

IM sure your bathroom will be a-twinklin' for days to come, with use or without.

I do like the idea of the candlelit bath too but yes, tres impractical for most days.

Mountain Dew...what happened to the original recipe (probably with all those really nasty chemicals they can't add anymore) it just don't taste the same now, like it did when I was a young-un LOL...


debsnm said...

First - as to the soaking in the tub with candles - you forgot the wine. 'nuff said.
I *hate* that when you clean the bathroom, you have to turn around and do it again in 6 months! just pisses me off!
Feel the same way about my bed - haven't made a bed (literally) since I moved out of mom's house low, these many moons ago. Why? It just gets messed up again, and I figure anyone besides me that gets to see the bed is interested in more things than is it made up (or at least they'd better be).

knitseashore said...

Maybe you could move to another place with two bathrooms. Have one clean and unused, and the other to use? Then switch every 6 months?

I have to ask if you saw The Anticraft's end of days emergency kit for the zombie invasion?

I discovered it last night and thought you'd want one for HM. It's perfect for her!


Cursing Mama said...

If you come up with some sort of a protective device for the bathroom you have to promise that I will be the first to know. I know that you aren't experienced in the ways of living with teenage creatures, but I promise they make the dust kitty's & cat hair tumble weeds look clean.

Cleaning, for me, is a perpetual motion.

Yarnhog said...

There is nothing--and I do mean nothing, it's not just hyperbole--more discouraging, more demoralizing, than coming out of an absolutely spotless bathroom, after having spent the better part of the morning on one's hands and knees in a posture usually reserved for Sunday morning sorority girls who've had a bit too much Saturday night, to find a line of small boys outside the door, clutching themselves between their crossed legs and exclaiming, "Finally!" as they push past you into the oh-so-recently-beautiful bathroom.

Lorraine said...

That is my chief job complaint - my work is never "done" and never stays "done".

We need to organize a union!