Thursday, October 04, 2007

Make Your Peace. Right Now!

There are those in my life who have wondered if, perhaps, I whine just a little bit too much on the blog. They are among the ones I count as nearest and dearest to me and have permission to speak frankly. The rest of the world should probably tread lightly since I am a little bit fragile and too much frankness will just result in more whining.

Besides, a normal, happy sort of day isn't a funny day. Funny is when you get pepper sprayed in the Convenience Store Where They Call You By Endearments That Should Be Insulting But Are Actually Kind Of Sweet. It would have been more funny if I'd been sprayed directly, but it is still rather amusing to picture The Sheep hacking and coughing this morning when she stopped in for milk because the clerk (she who once lost all control and actually called me, "Honey Bunny," and I just loved it) was unsure of what the little device left in the store was. She hit the button and successfully pepper sprayed the store down nicely. My lungs, which are sensitive on the best of days, reacted with predictable spasms. But I was laughing so darned hard that getting it under control was just about impossible. Her rendition of the events that transpired just before I entered the premises were simply beyond hysterical. See what I mean? Funny!!! Getting pepper sprayed while buying milk is cause for whining and is funny!!!

This is what blogs were made for, if you want my opinion.

Except that, tonight, I have dire and grave news for you all. The high humor and giddy laughter must be set aside for it is The End Of Days and this demands a certain amount of decorum. The signs are all around us and we must look beyond the image of The Sheep inhaling peppery fumes at 6:30 in the morning in order that we might fully appreciate the gravity of the circumstances. At the risk of sounding whiney, I fear that we might be heading for a full-on apocalypse of near biblical proportions.

Let's review the evidence, shall we?

Sign The First: Today's temperatures were in the low 80's with just a touch of humidity. This is not typical for October in Maine. This is a practice run for the rain of fire that is about to fall upon our unprotected heads. Tomorrow is slated for more of the same.

Sign The Second: I lost at Jenga today. I never lose at Jenga. Especially not to a fifth grader who does not have my amazing fine motor skills. If ever there was a sign that it is time to hide under the bed and think of excuses for any bad thing you have ever done, this be it. When that tower came crashing down, I sat there with my poorly chosen block in hand and knew that the forces of evil were nigh. That's right. You heard me. Nigh. That is far worse than, "in the vicinity," or "hovering aimlessly about." This is Nigh. Any sentence that contains the word, "Nigh" is also a portent of sorts.

Sign The Third: This is a big one. Not only did I fix the problem with the Invisibility Shawl, but I have knit successfully since I hid my mistake with a Knit 2 Together. Sure, there is a pretty big boo-boo several rows back that I could say means that all is normal and well. When do I have flawless knitting, after all? But that would just be false hope. The fact that I have knit along without a hitch for twenty or so rows is so outside of the normal progression of things that it, alone, could stand as a sign of impending world catastrophe. Note: The use of the word, "impending" is also something of a hint when pondering whether you should be tidying up your affairs for the End Of Days.

Not convinced? Still thinking that The Sheep is just being overly dramatic or still suffering from the inhalation of pepper spray? Wondering if I've been dipping into the amazing narcotic cough syrup again? Well, you'd be right on the last one, but that is medicinal and, being as we are living through the final countdown, I think I am entitled to a little nip of the codeine. At any rate, here's the thing that will bring you around to my way of thinking. It is a sign so clear that it cannot be misinterpreted by even the most skeptical of viewers.

Sign The Fourth: An eleven year old boy told me today that he was wrong. He then went on to say that I was right. He further stated that he should have just listened to me in the first place. Had he apologized, I would have packed my bags for the coming floods right that very minute.

But he didn't, so I'm revising my End Of Days Countdown to allow us about a week. Use it wisely.

SA

23 comments:

Beth said...

"Sign the Fourth" is amazing and definitely means something. Wow!

Congratulations on the successful lace knitting. I've put down my lace for the evening so I can finish a sock. My fingers are itching to get back to the shawl.

Mouse said...

I've got a case of the dreaded strep throat yet AGAIN. I'd love to come over and share a pint of cough syrup with you... we'll laugh until dawn. Or more to the point, we'll make hoarse croaking noises and pass out cold on the tile floor.. but it will still be barrels of fun.

AnnaMarie said...

The first three signs, enh, not so scary. The fourth sign, *shiver* Not only a male admitting he was wrong but a young one? Time to stock up and head for the hills!

Congrats on the lace!

trek said...

You are so freaking funny that you actually made my day (which included a call from the school nurse re: Neatnik nearly putting her own eye out on a desk corner) much better.

Knitting Linguist said...

I just found your blog recently, and had to delurk to say thanks for making me laugh! Pretty much any kid saying they're wrong and you are right is a sign that the Four Horsemen are heading your way. I'm glad you survived the early-morning pepper spraying :)

Knitting Linguist said...

Hi! Thanks for popping by my blog :) It's so true about which gender tends to notice gender stuff. Now I'm dying to know what you teach... (occupational hazard)

Anne said...

You totally made my day -- especially since two of my (male) students were backed into a corner about something today and would rather have DIED than admit they were wrong. Ninth graders, though.

It was 86 degrees here today in MA. Apocalypse, indeed.

holly said...

Sheepie-you gave me a great Xmas idea for my 5th grader--I have to get Jenga now!

Victory is so sweet, especially when you're changing the world one boy at a time.

Hope your cold is on its way out, and you survive this coming weekend's heatwave again--ugh, enough already.

Anonymous said...

HM what have you done with our Sheep???
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

Julie said...

Sign the Fourth is very scary indeed; that sort of thing just doesn't happen!

catsmum said...

I did think that there was a wee bit of narcotic cough syrup induced hysteria going on - and then I read Sign The Fourth.
Ooh yeah. The world is coming to an end.
Definitely.

Alwen said...

He WHAT? No, he didn't. Say, how much of that cough syrup are you on, anyway?

Bobbi said...

oh my! Even milk buying trips are no longer safe!

Helen said...

more signs...
a ten year old remembered that I'd once told her that if she has a long project for school, it's best to do a little every day til it's done and not wait til the last minute.... she got a long project 3 weeks ago -- did a little bit every day, finished WITH NO PROMPTING BY ME whatsoever, and turned it in early.

the cats have brought in no live (or dead) animals for almost a week.

I'm afraid. I'm very afraid...

Carrie K said...

Sign the Fourth is truly the most disturbing.

A week? A lousy week? That's all? But that's all that's left until taxes are finally, fatally due. It figures I'll be spending my last days on earth working. It's so unfair.

Pepper spray at SIX am? Six? One does not shop at six am. One bashes the snooze alarm.

Geraldine said...

Enlightening and hilarious, all at the same time. Can there be anything better than Sheep-time!!! YOU are amazing. Hugggs....

kmkat said...

Count me with Carrie K. We will both be working and banging our heads on our keyboards right up until the Final Minute of the Final Day.

Wait. I don't believe in that bible/apocalypse stuff. Never mind...

Mia said...

That last one is just about absolute truth.

and since I've been told a couple of times today in my blog comments that I should get to building an ark (I'm ignoring the part where they said I should grow a beard).. so I'm more than inclined to agree with you that the end is probably "nigh".

mehitabel said...

Well then, I guess I'd better enjoy my weekend in Monterey, if it's going to be the last one! It was 71 here in Heat Central today, with a cool breeze all day. And the forecast for the mid-coast is all high 60's. I can hardly wait! Small consolation for missing my fall color, though...

crzjane said...

Thank you for the smile. I really needed a pick me up. Bad day at work. Oops, just caught myself almost whining on your blog!
I can't wait to see your lace!

Lorraine said...

Aw, man, and my day was going so great. Now I've got to revamp my plans for . . . oh, say, forever!

Thanks for the crossed fingers, btw. News came this morning and Hockeyman is thrilled with his team placement.

Diana said...

The end is not near.... I have not sung yet!

Ronni said...

I laughed so hard my family wanted to pretend they didn't know me. But you know, we were home so that was hard.

I loved Sign 4. You're right though. Very indicative.