Monday, October 22, 2007

One Lone Voice

Well, the Apocalypse is continuing on its merry way, happily spreading mayhem and madness in its wake. With the October temperatures hovering around eighty degrees, I'm thinking that we are heading for an epic sort of Apocalypse like the one you see in the movies and stuff.

Ever vigilant and aware of my responsibilities as the resident Doom Crier in my school building, I took it upon myself to share this unhappy news with my coworkers. It is a heavy burden, but I had a sixth grader who was absent today so I had a little time to kill. Might as well spend it letting others know of The Apocalypse.

It didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped.

The prevailing opinion expressed by my capri-clad colleagues was that, if this was the Apocalypse, then they'd like more of the same with a side of sandals. There was a certain giddiness in the building that was reminiscent of the last few days of school, when the vacation draws nigh and visions of sleeping late dance in our heads. No one seemed all that concerned with the fact that we are closing in on November whilst wearing tube tops. The "Tube Top Sign" isn't necessarily mentioned specifically in the holy texts...but it is implied. I'm sure of this.

I couldn't raise a single soul to panic. By the final bell, there was a general stampede for the door in order that the teaching staff could head for the beach. They were gone before I knew it, leaving behind one lone flip-flop and a lingering scent of sunscreen.

This is not the proper way to conduct an Apocalypse.

But, I am out of options, frankly. I am the lone voice of reason in a world gone mad. There is no one left to whom I might turn. The Vatican is no longer taking my calls after I contacted them during a rather rainy spell looking for the original blueprints to The Ark and asking for some clarification with regard to my personal liability should I inadvertently load up two male ocelots. (Ocelots are rather modest creatures, after all and there is every reason to believe a mistake could be made.) I also needed a clear explanation of a "cubit" since Wikipedia was being a bit vague on the subject and it was my understanding that I'd need a working definition. I may have over-reacted a bit on that one, I suppose. But, they didn't have to yell at me like that...

There are one or two legal decisions still pending on that one. It doesn't matter. There is nothing worse than being "screened" by His High Holiness. It's just depressing.

But, I know what a "cubit"is now, so I suppose the whole thing wasn't a complete waste of time.

It seems rather foolish to keep knitting away on the holiday gifts if we are just going to be consumed in a rain of fire. If nothing else, no one is going to be all that appreciative of a hand knit scarf at that point. It will be very hot and might get caught on something whilst the recipient is trying to dodge fireballs and lightning bolts. And I don't know how to knit with asbestos so I'm really at a loss regarding how to proceed at this point.

I should probably just keep knitting. It keeps my mind off the Apocalypse and, given my track record of predictions, it is probably a good idea to have a back-up plan in place. If we aren't all crispy and cinder-like come December, I could look a little silly if I don't have any gifts.

And we wouldn't want to look silly, now would we?



kmkat said...

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

You need to write a column/book/epic saga. Seriously.

Beth said...

I know, isn't this weather something else? I like autumn better when it really feels like autumn.

Anonymous said...

You know what I'm going to say now don't you? I'M LOVING THIS! Bring on the sandals and sunscreen. (Although, I do believe today is the end of the unusually warm weather; rain tomorrow).

trek said...

We have consulted with our local authority on apocalypses and he is of the opinion that you do not need to worry excessively at this juncture. No zombies have been sighted and the earth continues to make its way reliably about the sun. He also notes that the Ark was never mentioned in any of the texts on apocalypses, regardless of the accuracy of your estimate of the cubit - great or otherwise.

In the unlikely event that our local apocalyptical expert is mistaken, you might want to refer to your previous posting on the advantages of getting right with your Maker in a hurry. There's a cheat sheet available under the heading of Commandments, Ten.

PS - I think HM needs a bit of the fugdey chocolate brownies right about now.

Donna Lee said...

I am ready for the apocalypse but would prefer for it to get cooler first. Nothing worse that sweating your way through the end of all things. I think zombies are probably attracted to sweat. I know the mosquitos are. Why am I still worrying about mosquitos when i am starting to plan Thanksgiving?

Anonymous said...

Would you believe my tomato plants look better now than they did in July. There is something wrong, very wrong.

Anne said...

Oh you have SO jinxxed the winter now. You'll likely get eleventy-billion feet of snow. Maybe in 1 day. And plagues of locusts or um.... penguins. Something.

Kris said...

Hmm - I believe that your prognostication may be a bit off as in the mid-west we have finally returned to near seasonal temperatures, much to my dismay.

I second kmkat though.

Cursing Mama said...

Look Silly :) Why would a Sheep look silly?

Susan Pandorf said...

You do more for my daily disposition than Prozac.

Laughter - always the best medicine.

Sheepish blessings!

Yarnhog said...

I live in San Diego. Let me tell you, the Apocalypse is here.

Anne said...

I keep thinking of Bill Cosby doing Noah ... "what's a cubit?" A classic. I guess I'm old. I'm with you, though--I should not be wearing sandals to school with the World Series about to start.