Saturday, March 14, 2009

House Rules

We here at The Sheepish House Of Orderly Behavior And Self Discipline are firm believers in following the rules.  The rules are very, very important to our daily living.  We make the rules, periodically review the rules, revise the rules as necessary and spend at least twenty minutes per day patting ourselves on the back for doing such a good job with all those rules.

We don't write the rules down in the normal course of things.  It's harder to revise them or interpret them based on the unique circumstances each day presents if they are in print.  All that crossing out and applying of clarifying sticky notes makes it really hard to read the rule book.  However, for you guys, I'm willing to jot a few down so you can see how amazingly dedicated I am to the keeping of order around here.

Blogger lets you edit posts so it should all work out, right?

One of my hard and fast rules is this: A Healthy Body Is A Happy Body.  I like to stay in fighting form and to do that I must ensure that my diet is full of healthy foods.  My oven produces vast quantities of nutritious meals, all of which are low in fat and high in vitamins.



There is certainly nothing which might be awaiting frosting.  Not from this kitchen, thank you very much.  


One of my favorite sayings is, "Organization and good note taking are the platform shoes for short memories."  I'm sure you've heard that one.  It's probably been around since before forever.  Therefore, you will never see me setting aside the sleeve designed to go on a thing that is not in any, way shape or form a sweater (because I don't knit those, right?) then taking the row counter, re-setting it to zero and using it to count the rows on a heel flap.  


Because that would mean that I know all the stats on my flapping, but have no earthly idea where I am on the sleeve increases.  


Can you see how the rules keep things running smoothly here?  My brain is working well from all the nutrition and my knitting is so under control that it is a little bit scary.  And the rules don't just apply to me.  No sirree-bob!  It is just as important to make certain that the family pets understand how the rules apply to them.  What good does it do one to live an orderly existence if there are critters running amok all over the place?  I am a kindly overlord to my pets.  I am firm, but fair.  Thus, we have a solid understanding of our individual roles as pets and master.

For example, no pets are allowed on the kitchen counters.  Anyone who poops in a box and who doesn't wear pants should not be resting his (or her) hindquarters in an area designated for food preparation.


Ever.


I know it sounds harsh.  Who hasn't wanted to sit amongst the toast crumbs every now and again?  But it is for their own good.  Cats who sit on the kitchen counter will ultimately experience a deep and unshakable guilt.  The overwhelming sense of shame will come to shadow their every waking moment, then creep into their sleeping hours.


They will never again rest comfortably.  The guilt will haunt them.


I'm certain that, by now, you are completely in awe of me.  You must be wondering how you can ever live up to my high standards of rule-following.  You may even despair just a teeny, little bit and feel like giving up since you can never be as amazingly self-disciplined as I.  That's OK.  I get that a lot.  And you shouldn't feel badly.  I have, after all, had many, many years to perfect my system of rules.  You just need to give it a little time, is all.  Then you, too, can be as happily rule-bound and in control of your life as Sheepie.  

We'll celebrate with cupcakes.  But can we make them at your house?  I've got a little "kitchen counter situation" at mine...

SA

15 comments:

kmkat said...

I think perhaps I need to bake something that will require frosting. And then send it off to #1 son, thereby spending another $10 just to avoid eating something yummy.

Have you considered using La Harlot's row counting method, the one that involves M&Ms? I used it to good advantage once last summer and can vouch for its efficacy. And its mmmmm factor.

Jeanne said...

Anyone who poops in a box and who doesn't wear pants should not be resting his (or her) hindquarters in an area designated for food preparation.

And yet, we allow them free access to our laps. Hmm.

(Please pass me one--no, three--of those cupcakes?)

Yarnhog said...

See? That's the problem I have with cats. At least the dogs just drag their butts on the carpet.

Karen said...

CUPCAKES!!! Delicious. Enjoy. Just be careful frosting them. There may be some fur on the counter:)

Betsy said...

That face? Awwwww...

I'd worry more about cupcake dust in the yarn...

Mia said...

mmmmm.. i could really go for one of those cupcakes right about now...

and kitty on the counter - oh no! that's the only sacred place left in my house and I intend to keep it that way! Fingers crossed for how to figure that one out :)

Beth said...

"...all of which are low in fat and high in vitamins..." Just what kind of frozen pizza is it that you're buying up there? I'd like to buy some. :)

Thanks for the laugh about the cat on the counter description! It's a cute picture, though.

Kath said...

In my house the ktichen counter is the one surface off-limits to cats. Not that I am successful in enforcing that rule...but I try! I think we are at the point where it is known to be unlawful behavior and therefore must be done sneakily and stealthy-like, while no one is watching.

I think it's the look on AGK's face while seated on the counter that really makes the photo though!

trek said...

We are deeply in awe of your rules and how they establish and enforce such order upon the chaos of life. One might go so far as to say that we hold The Sheep and her Rules of Order and Chaos Management in a high degree of reverence.

Anonymous said...

Counter and kitchen table, off limits to the cats. I trained mine as kittens by hunting them unmercifully. Every time I caught them in either place, squirt gun blast right between the eyes. They got the message real quick. No it won't make them neurotic if you only blast them when they get on the counter. It only took a few times and my cats never again, not even 10 yrs later tried out the kitchen counter or the table. I only have one old 21 lb cat left now and he will sit nicely in a chair at the table and beg for food though.

Mel said...

We also have the "no counters" rule, which is followed quite well. Except when it isn't, although that's fortunately quite rare. At the very least, it's never been a problem for the dogs, since they've always been too short.

Bridget said...

You really do have it together, I'm so impressed ...

We too have a no-cats-on-kitchen-counters rule in our house. Most of the time (when we are home) it is followed. But I am certain that when we are out, they have parties up there or something ...

Mouse said...

Thankfully Ms. Kitty is not a jumper (she has the worst aim of any cat I've ever seen and ends up missing) so she hardly ever goes up on the counters. She's much happier in my lap.. ALL THE TIME.

Knitting Linguist said...

I'd be happy to help out with those cupcakes; just in the name of aiding and abetting the following of rules, you understand...

Cursing Mama said...

Thank you for reminding me I need another bottle of that antibacterial kitchen counter cleaner.
Cats aren't allowed on our kitchen counters either...or the sinks..but I have seen evidence that they are unwilling to follow those rules.