Thursday, May 01, 2008

C Is For Confusion...

On Monday morning, my Cheerful Teaching Assistant returned to school with some sad news.  Her doctor, having clearly had a bad day and needing to take it out on some poor, hapless soul, has put her on a very strict low-carb diet for the next two weeks.  And when I say, "strict" I mean there is every reason to believe that a large man carrying a mallet will appear out of the shadows should she even breathe in the fumes from a stray cupcake purely by accident.  She was pretty low about the whole thing.

So, in a stunningly generous act of solidarity, I offered to join her in this endeavor.  Not being under a doctor's care but very much aware of how much brownie damage I did over the school vacation week, I opted to only go carb-less during the school day.  You don't go messing around with the health unless someone is monitoring the situation, you know.  I like my blood sugar where it is, for the most part.  But, I felt that helping her stick to the new, short term diet restrictions was the right thing to do.  If nothing else, I shall save oodles of money since I won't have to replenish the school snack cupboards for a while now that I am not eating all the pretzels that were supposed to be for the poor, hungry children...

I also may have been feeling just the teeeeeensiest bit guilty after having witnessed her eyeing the nutrition information on the back of a bag of microwave popcorn and yelling out a stern, "NO!"  As this was done in front of a couple of witnesses and in the same tone I use when the Big, Fluffy Kitty starts eyeing my tuna sandwich, I felt that a little penance was in order.  But if you had seen the wistful look in her eyes as she gazed soulfully at that popcorn bag, you might have felt the need to intervene yourself.  

The situation in the classroom is grim, to say the least.  We are not exactly on top of our respective games.  One student asked for help three times before simply giving up in the face of our blank, carb-free stares.  Another was observed drawing on the class multiplication chart which is two feet from my desk and clearly within my viewing area, although I don't recall seeing this.  We are stuffed to the gills with meats and cheeses, but are none the happier for it.  We pretty much just sit around and discuss pie all day.

The simple fact of the matter is this:  You can name anything in this world that makes life worth living for you and I can name a carbohydrate-based item that is better.  Heck, I could spend days just on the B's!  Brownies.  Blondies.  Butter-Brickle ice cream.  Baked Alaska.  Carbs are good.  

And I'm just doing this during the school day, for crying out loud!  I'm certain that getting some of the sugar out of my diet isn't going to kill me.  I do tend to lean towards those sorts of things, I suppose.  But, the poor CTA has to do this for two weeks straight without cease!  This is horrific.  I probably should just be counting my blessings and spending my time feeling more sorry for her.  But, c'mon.  When have I ever let little things like Perspective or Rational Thinking get in the way of my complaining?  

The CTA has graciously said that I can back out of the whole thing tomorrow and allow Friday to be my designated Day Of Eating Nothing But Peanut Butter Cups given that this has been a trying week on the teaching front.  But I'm hanging in there.  If she is forced to walk this path, I shall boldly walk short parts of it with her.  At least we can be tired, grumpy and highly ineffectual together.  Plus, I'm sort of scared that she might snap and break my wrist in an attempt to get the peanut butter cup for herself.  It has been a very long and carb-free week.

Besides, tomorrow night is frozen pepperoni pizza night for me and I'm going with the one that has so much crust it looks like a fluffy, carbohydrate pillow and which will cushion my cheese and sauce in yeasty comfort.  I look forward to it.  Maybe I'll stop going through withdrawal and get back a little energy.  I'll need it if I am going to tackle all the stuff I didn't get done during my week of spring break.  

From my position slumped on the couch, I can see that Invisibility Shawl with the Very Sharp Addi Lace Needles.  It wouldn't be safe to try and finish that without a round of carbo-loading beforehand.  And I'm all about the safety, after all.

Beer.  Biscuits.  Blueberry Pie.  Belgian Waffles...

SA

21 comments:

Donna Lee said...

No carbs at all? Poor CTA. When my husband's doctor said to cut down the carbs, I tried. I really did but everything I love to eat is a carb. We were breadless for a while but have now added small bits of carbs back into the menu. I mean, how long can one person go without potatoes?

Jacqui said...

carb-free = joy-free



donna lee: in my experience, one can go without a potato for right about 84 hours before securing her dining companion's potato at fork-point.

Karen said...

No carbs. Carb-less. Carb-free. How will she survive?? I hope the time passes quickly and that there was a darn good reason for this. You're a mighty good person to go along for the ride.

trek said...

Bananas - Foster or Cream Pie; speaking of cream, there's Boston Creme Pie; oh dear, we are back on pies; the ever popular Bread, Bagels, Buns, Bon-Bons, and Burritos just reared their heads, too.

You're right: lots of card-foods in the B section of the food dictionary.

Sorry, Sheepie: but only one day until the glorious-ness which is the high-carb weekend!

Beth said...

A friend of mine did that once and it was tough. I admire you for being such a good friend to your CTA!

Kath said...

You are obviously a far better (and stronger) woman than I. If I'm going to boycott any food group, it'd be the one that includes Broccoli.

Beer, Bollilos, Biscuits, Bruschetta, Baklava, Banana Bread, Butter Pecan...

Jeanne said...

OMG, poor thing. If there were no carbs, I would have nothing to eat. I'm a total Carb-er-eater.

mehitabel said...

Ewww! Hopefully her medical person is better informed than poor Dr. Atkins, who first promulgated the no-carb lifestyle. Fat I can live without, carbs? No way! I live with a marathon runner and she is all about the carbs! Good on you for being supportive--it's much better not to eat goodies in front of someone suffering from deprivation. You don't want to know how come I'm so sure of this!

Mel said...

I have such a complicated relationship with carbs. It's possible I may be in CTA's boat if my lipid profile comes back bad. Of course, I have pound cake in the oven as I type this, but David's 40th is Saturday, so it doesn't count, right?

Mia said...

oh my, I may have to stop and get a frozen pizza on the way home. At least I can join along on THAT part *grin*

As for the carb free part, not so much. Did you know you can practice henna designs with hot fudge sauce???? hehehe.

Julie said...

No carbs AND a classroom full of kids counting the days until freedom - I don't think I could do it!

Cursing Mama said...

All this time I'd been trying to participate in the ABC-along with the wrong kinds of thoughts.... I do believe that I can get back on schedule by turning to something I love maybe more than my family; and I have you to thank!
G is for gobstoppers.......

Anne said...

Oh that's not an easy path. I did 8 months of no carbs, no processed sugars (no sweets at all except honey), no "soft" cheese - like cream cheese or even feta. Basically veggies and fruits and organic meats. I ate constantly and could not keep weight on. I gave it up, as it didn't seem to help my autoimmune symptoms and just made me grouchy. Carbs rule.

MathIsBeauty said...

What no pasta??????
I couldn't do it.
L

Yarnhog said...

When everyone was doing the no-carb diet thing (I live in Southern California, so these things tend to barrel through like a runaway train), I used to just laugh and eat my pasta while they stared at me hungrily. In the absence of a genuine medical issue requiring strict measures, life is all about moderation. Because really...how long would you want to live without bread?

Knitting Linguist said...

You are a better person than I. I'm capable of giving up the simple carbs for short periods, if absolutely necessary, but if I have to make do without any at all, bad bad things start to happen (polenta, oatmeal, wild rice, mmm....). Tell her we're all pulling for her!!

kmkat said...

"...fluffy, carbohydrate pillow...which will cushion my cheese and sauce in yeasty comfort..." You do have a way with words, Sheepie. Not to mention what a good friend you are to go carb-less with the CTA, even if it is just during the school day.

OTOH, you really are confused. C is for cake, cookies, cranberry-orange bread, chocolate fudge, and a few other things that will remain nameless.

lobstah said...

Oh dear, that sounds terrible. Seriously, this could become one of my most-feared scenarios!

April said...

I can't believe you forgot ...

Black & White cookies.

Lorraine said...

LOL - I went on a diet this past week and my family asked me at least 10 times the first day, "WHAT is your problem?" Diet restrictions of any kind = grumpiness.

Viva le carbs!

catsmum said...

it's also about the P section of the food dictionary...

no pasta?
no potatoes?
no popcorn ?
no pie?

oh no
life hardly worth living