Thursday, May 29, 2008

All For One

As you are all, no doubt, aware by now, I have amassed a rather impressive collection of things that I believe are out to get me.  A partial list might include:

Zombies
Carbohydrates
That truck I got rid of last month
 All insects
The baggers at the grocery store

As you can see, I've got my hands full.  I lie awake nights wondering just what entity is planning the next move against me.  And now, as if that weren't enough, I have to add another thing to the list of Potential Bringers Of The Doom.

The light bulbs.

That's right.  You heard me.  The light bulbs have united against me.  It has taken me four decades to catch on to their little game.  But, now that I am aware, they should start being a bit more careful.  I'm watching them.  Of course, I've yet to figure out a way to defend myself against the light bulbs.  I don't even have any thoughts on how I might irritate them a little.  Light bulbs are sort of impervious to the traditional forms of defense.  But, I'm working on it.

And stop looking at each other like that.  I see you.  You are giving each other that knowing glance which says, "Here we go...Sheepie's dancing on that precarious line between 'normal' and 'let's go get fitted for a nice tin foil hat' and which is followed by a vigorous eye roll at my expense.  But I am not crazy.  The light bulbs have formed some sort of coalition and are coming for me.

How else can you explain the fact that they all seem to blow out at once?  It never fails.  When one of the little balls of glowing light gives up the ghost, the rest all start following suit.  It's like a suicide pact or something...

Now, I'm sure that the more scientifically minded amongst you are all scrolling madly down to the "comments" button in order that you might point out the logical answer.  I'm anticipating any number of responses along the lines of  "Well...if you are replacing the bulbs all at once, doesn't it stand to reason that they would all expire at about the same time?"

That's just what they want you to think.  

This theory would make sense if I used all the light bulbs equally.  But I don't.  Some of them are rarely used.  Others glow with regularity.  The ones that don't see as much use should last longer.  But they don't.  They let loose with that little "pop" designed to scare me into some sort of cardiac event right along with their little burnt-out buddies.

I've been replacing a lot of light bulbs lately.  They are exploding all over the place.  I had to go out and buy more today after school.  I spent the last half hour toiling through the condo, unscrewing and screwing little balls of glass just like this was something I enjoyed doing on a Thursday.  

I spoke very sternly to these light bulbs.  I told them that there was to be none of the nonsense I'd experienced with their brethren.  There would be a reasonable amount of time between the popping sounds and those who were given ample rest time between lightings would reflect this in their life span.  There was finger shaking in their general, bulby directions and my eyes were narrowed in a manner that I felt was most threatening.  I think I made my point.

Crazy...yeah right.  Crazy like a fox, I tellya!!!  You'll all the sitting in the dark with your unbowed and brazen burnt-out bulbs while I sit in well-lit comfort.  We'll see who's crazy then, my friends!!!!!!!!!

(insert maniacal laughter here)

I'm going to do some spinning tonight.  The lighting around here is really pretty impressive and highly conducive to seeing the pretty yarn looping itself on the bobbin.  Spinning is also sort of calming.  I'm not saying that I need settling down tonight...

But it couldn't hurt.

SA


22 comments:

Donna Lee said...

I absolutely believe in a lightbulb coalition. Just like appliances have a union. When one dies, the others go on strike in sympathy. I know this is true. I've seen it happen and heard terrible tales of humans being held in thrall to their appliances. We beg them and plead with them and promise them anything but they still stop. We are not the top of the electrical food chain. We are the lowest and most needy.

sophanne said...

Mr. Sophanne says it's ghosts trying to talk to you.

(yea, I share inane light bulb stories with him from my imaginary friends- he's stopped giving it a second thought.)

trek said...

We formerly had two light-sensitive nightlights in the kitchen. Notice that I used the word formerly. These nightlight untis had light detecting panels on the fronts so that when the sun departed, they would let go with their glowing spheres of goodness and illumine the kitchen, lest ye stub thy toes in the third watch of the night.

These here unit were not the same age. But they gave up the ghost during the same week.

The twin to one of the dead kitchen lights lives in the bathroom upstairs. It shines on bright and strong, preventing the stubbing of thy toes during those potty runs in the third watch of the night.

Mouse said...

I'm over here laughing because I totally understand the light bulb thing. After we moved into our new house I was plugging in all of our nightlights so that we wouldn't walk ourselves into unfamiliar walls during the night and EVERY SINGLE ONE of the little bastards was burned out. I transported them all carefully too so I know they didn't shatter.. its a conspiracy.
Every biting insect known to man is out to get me within the last week- my feet and legs are starting to look like I've got some sort of zombie plague.

Knitstress Tygher said...

I notice more of my bulbs burn out when Mercury goes retrograde than any other time.

You should replace your bulbs with those fancy energy saving ones. I've replaced about half of ours already, and the light quality is pretty much the same .. some of them are even better .. though I haven't any proof of real savings. Yet.

Lorraine said...

Hah, not only are the lightbulbs conspiring but what about batteries! We have multiple flashlights around here and not one will work. It seems as though there is a plan to keep us all in the dark.

Beth said...

If these bulbs cause you trouble, you might have to switch back to candles like the good ole days.

We had similar trouble here a few years ago. We even talked about the possible need to rewire the house. Then things fortunately calmed down. Now we sometimes see a correlation with teenager door slamming and light bulb burn out. (Hey, does the BFK slam all the doors while you're out?)

Mel said...

I think it's more likely the building association people causing power surges to make your light bulbs pop and scare the bejeesus out of you. Seeing as how all their notes over the winter didn't quite seem to drive you over the edge.

Julie said...

Oh Sheepie, don't you know that none of us are thinking that you are "dancing on that precarious line between 'normal' and 'let's go get fitted for a nice tin foil hat'"; we all know you danced right over that line long ago.

That's why we love you so :-)

Mia said...

I agree with Julie *grin*

sophanne said...

A second comment re: Lorraine and flashlights.

I firmly believe that flashlights are designed to give the ILLUSION of light and safety and not really produce any.

Mizzle said...

I second the 'get the energy-saving ones'...

They're good for the environment and last a LOT longer.

I've never seen them blow out at the same time either...

(Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever replaced one... I guess I'm not old enough for that? :))

Also, I've read that LED lights (the newest in ' green' lighting, pretty expensive) don't attract insects...

Yarnhog said...

I hope you aren't using those compact fluorescent bulbs. I saw a news report the other day that warned people if they break, you need to get a hazmat team in to clean up the mercury that's inside them! One woman paid $2000 for cleanup after one broke in her house. (I had to wonder about that. When I was a kid, we used to break open thermometers to play with the mercury inside, and none of us sprouted a third eye or anything. I think I'd wipe it up with a paper towel and be done with it.) And no one's addressed how you safely get rid of one of those bulbs when it burns out. Presumably, you can't toss a mercury-filled lightbulb in the trash. So much to worry about. I can see why you sometimes cross the line...

Knitting Linguist said...

A lightbulb conspiracy would explain so much!

kim said...

Switch to the compact flourescent bulbs - will reduce your electricty bill, use less electricity which is better for the environment and last up to 10 years. They also don't go pop when they die; they sort of fizz or sizzle, but they won't do that for a decade or more, so you can delay this event, even if you can't avoid it entirely.

Kath said...

My outside light bulb (intended to prevent anyone from coming up the stairs to find their way any closer to my door than the top of the stairway) was some kind of miracle bulb that lasted over 10 years. It was installed by a previous tenant and when it just recently bit the dust, I found that it was a screaming pain in the ass to replace. First - just to reach the socket, and second - to find another such "miracle bulb". No hardware store has yet identified it, but I continue to try and live in hope!

kmkat said...

You did it again. Took a seemingly inane topic and spun it into an entertaining post, as evidenced by the comments.

Definition of dork: one for whom discovering 3-way compact fluorescent bulbs at Wal-Mart was the highlight of her month. Yes, that was me last winter. I had been bitching for years: How hard could it be to make a 3-way c.f. bulb? And why hasn't someone done it yet? Do I have to do everything around here?

catsmum said...

it's a conspiracy - and the lightbulbs on this side of the planet are in on it too... and I won't even go into how many nightlights I've gone through in the hallway between the guest bedroom and the bathroom... not bulbs, entire units.

Kathleen said...

My Mother lives in Maine. Her house had a break in last summer. The robber took her supply of light bulbs (she likes to stock up on things) and her hot dogs. Be careful the hotdogs may be next.

The Kelly Green Rogue said...

you should get those new light bulbs the ones that last a bagillion years. I've done that so I no longer have to wheel the office chair from room to room and wonder if I will fall to my death while trying to get some light!

Cathy said...

We bought a number of lightbulbs from a big box store on sale. Within a couple months most had bit the dust. That was quite the savings. Then we invested in the same lightbulbs from a more expensive shop and they are still (knock wood) working.

Cathy said...

Oh, and those were all the energy savings bulbs. M is hazmat so I know who to call when one breaks.