Monday, December 24, 2007

Upgrade

To: Sheepish Annie
From: Edwin D. Elf, N/N Review Officer, North Pole 
RE: Final Evaluation

Dear Ms. Sheep,

Greetings from The North Pole.  We here at the N/N Review Office extend to you our most sincere wishes for a pleasant holiday season.  

We are sending you this letter to inform you of your current status according to our Naughty/Nice Records for the period between January and December of 2007.  We ask that you refer to the notice sent to you on December 10th which suggested that you consider purchasing plastic liners for your stocking in order to avoid staining from the coal.  We cited several concerns at that time including the following:

*An unrealistic attitude with regard to how much shopping one can do for loved ones in the three hours you had allotted for this task.

*Repeated promises to bake pumpkin bread followed by repeated excuses, each more lame that the last, for failing to bake said bread.

*Not having purchased any wrapping paper.  None.  And believing that wrapping paper will magically continue to flow from cardboard tubes for years at a time without cease.  That is just naive.

*Having been heard to utter the words, "Stupid Christmas" on at least three separate occasions.

*Publicly declaring your unwillingness to knit for others despite having included that act on your summer vacation to-do list. This was followed by your blithely knitting socks for yourself while your family lives with cold feet.  Shameful...

This, of course, is a only a representation of our concerns.  We urge you to please refer to the three page attachment included with our original report for a complete list.  You have the right to contest any or all of these items within thirty days of receipt and will be granted a hearing within six months.  We do not guarantee that the deletion of items per order of the hearing officer will result in the delivery of withheld presents after December 31st of the same year.  There is another form for appealing that matter should you choose to pursue this.

We send this letter today to give you our final evaluation of your N/N status as of 12/24/07.  As is our practice, we give our clients time to address our concerns in order that they might bring their behavior up to code.  We apologize for any delay in processing your case.  This is, as you might imagine, a rather busy time of year for us.  We make every effort to give each case the time and attention it deserves. 

We are pleased to report that you have successfully managed to correct enough of your Naughty behavior to be granted Probationary Nice Status.  As such, you are qualified to receive presents under the tree tomorrow morning and a reasonably full stocking.  We based our decision on the following:

*Your last minute holiday shopping, albeit a bit frantic, did result in gifts for all.  

*You set aside your usual afternoon nap in order that the aforementioned presents might be wrapped.

*While you did not do the hand-tied bows that you were babbling about back when you thought you had the holidays well in hand, you did make dried orange ornaments for your packages.  We were rather taken with those, we must admit.

*The final decision is still out on the bread baking.  But, seeing as the last two loaves are rising as of this moment, we think that you will meet the deadline on this endeavor.

*You did not swear at the curling ribbon.  Even though we could tell you really wanted to that one time...

*You were heard to hum Jingle Bells after the whole curling ribbon incident.

*Lastly, you seem to have weathered those little stress bombs that life likes to hand out in December and still maintained some of the holiday spirit.  We dispute your somewhat delusional belief that you are a vision of grace under pressure.  But as you have not been found clutching strangers in the grocery store and screaming, "Why???  Why???" or throwing mildewed mistletoe at passing cars, we feel that you deserve credit for your restraint.

We congratulate you on your efforts at gritting your teeth and making with the holly and the jolly in this most festive of seasons.  Should you require any further support in this endeavor, we invite you to call our 24 hour Ho-Ho-Hotline to receive tips and suggestions for making everyone think that you have it all together for Christmas.  We also wish to remind you that your status is Probationary.  There is still time for it to all fall apart.  We see you when you're sleeping.  We know when you're awake.  We know if you've been bad or good.  So be good for goodness sake!  Many is the time we have seen people fall into the trap of thinking that Christmas Eve is so very busy for us up here that we will miss those little naughty things they might do.  This is not the case.  We see all.  

Again, we congratulate you on your upgrade in status and wish for you the Merriest of Christmases.  If I can be of any further assistance to you in this matter, please refer to the number on the enclosed business card.  I will be out of the office until April, but will most certainly be checking my voice mail during my absence.

Sincerely yours,

Edwin D. Elf

P.S.  I'm not kidding.  Don't get cocky.







I haven't the foggiest notion what he's talking about...

Merry Christmas!

SA

19 comments:

kmkat said...

Hilarious! If you need a character reference for Mr. Elf, let me know.

--Deb said...

(giggle)

Mia said...

Oh too cute!! And I love the hat Sheepie. Enjoy your probationary status hehe.., after all, the orange slices WERE pretty awesome :)

Merry Christmas!

Kris said...

Very cute

livnletlrn said...

Of course you didn't throw the mildewed mistletoe. It might come in handy for a foray into natural dyeing with the NASCAR crock pot. Silly elves!

Ronni said...

Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! Lovely!

Merry Christmas Sheepie!

Mouse said...

heh.. merry Christmas sheepie!

Beth said...

That was very entertaining! Merry, merry Christmas, SA!

Mel said...

If you seriously want a never-ending roll of wrapping paper, I suggest trying BJ's. Seriously. I got the 40# roll last year with different designs on either side. I don't think we'll ever need to buy it again. Except I did have to buy some after getting snowed in. It kind of went along with the whole underwear thing.

Anyway, hope you have a very wonderful Christmas and a fantastic rest of your v-a-c-a-t-i-o-n.

April said...

Oddly enough I thought the Ho-Ho-Hotline was for something else.

Regardless ...

Merry Christmas, Sheepie, you're at the top of my Nice List.

Denise said...

Too funny - Love the photo!

Merry Christmas to you!

trek said...

We think that your status should be immediately upgraded to Full Nice - even if soley based on the funny factor of this post.

PS - Please send phone number for ED Elf so that we may pursue your probationary case with him directly.

Merry Christmas, Sheepie!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas!
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

Emma said...

Hee! That's brilliant. Here's to being on probation--congratulations. Merry Christmas!

Marianne said...

Well crap, consider yourself lucky, I didn't even get the 'notice' I'm so far gone...

Once again, dear Sheepie, flirting with disaster reading your post with a nearly full bladder... (TMI? yep, sorry)

I love you. Wishing you Happy Holidays and good times for the rest of your vacation!

Anne said...

Merry Christmas! Congratulations on achieving probationary status. I'm sure that any actions that bump you off the list temporarily will be hilarious reading.

Trish said...

Congratulations on the upgrade.

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

Wow even grownups are watched!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!!!
Big Geek Beth

mehitabel said...

I think I'd feel creeped out knowing there was someone watching me sleep--it's bad enough that the Big Fluffy Kitty, aka Mighty Sock Hunter, watches me for signs of life so he can pounce on me for cuddles and skritches! Alas, sometimes he doesn't wait for signs of life and goes straight in...
Congratulations on making probation!