Thursday, December 13, 2007

I Debated...Then Decided To Go For It.

This is one of those school stories that I just shouldn't tell.  Seriously.  I'm gonna get caught.  I'm gonna have to explain myself.  I just know it.  But it is too good to not tell.  For you, I will risk my very career.

Background Info:  The sixth grade classes in my school take a required health course.  Somehow, long before my arrival in this community of learners, someone began calling it Puberty Class.  Now we all just call it Puberty Class.  Or, if we are pressed for time, "Puberty."  As in, "C'mon kids, settle down now; it's time for Puberty."  I love my job. 

The Scene:  Ms. Sheep is attempting to herd her students out the door before the winter snows pile up so high that they can't get the door open.  They do not seem to feel the same sense of urgency she feels at the prospect of being trapped together for the night and are having some difficulty pulling themselves together. 

Ms. Sheep:  OK, Treasured Ones.  It is time to pack up your things and take your leave.  Our minor winter weather event has turned into something a bit more "interesting" and we need to get you all safely out to the buses in order that you might arrive home in a similar condition as when you left this morning.  Step lively, now.  Ms. Sheep will miss you terribly, but you must go.  Seriously.  Move it, people.  I need to drive home in this too, you know.

Student Who Is Now My Favorite For What Will Become Obvious Reasons:  I'm good.

MS:  No, no my precious.  You must go get your coat or you will catch a chill.

SWINMFFWWBOR:   Don't got one.  

MS:  Well, the proper way to say...oh never mind.  Just stand here and wait for the bus.  Think warm thoughts.  You'll be fine.

SWINMFFWWBOR:  Oh!  Wait!  I won an award today!  I gotta to go get that out of my locker.

MS:  An award, you say?  Well, by all means!  I'm so very, very proud of you!  Let's go get that Bad Boy!

Ms. Sheep and her student proceed to the locker to secure the piece of red construction paper that has been carefully laminated.  SWINMFFWWBOR proudly shows it to his teacher.

MS:  A reading award!  Dude!!!  I'm so proud!!!  Reading is really hard for you...wait.  Does this say what I think it says?

SWINMFFWWBOR:  Yup.  I got an award as A Puberty Reader.  And that word there is, "appreciation."  I'm appreciated.  For the Puberty Reading.

MS:  ....

SWINMFFWWBOR: (waving bright red construction paper acknowledgement)  Hey, Ms. Cheerful Teaching Assistant!  Lookit my award!

MS:  He's a Puberty Reader.

Cheerful Teaching Assistant:  .....

SWINMFFWWBOR:  (seeing that his teachers are wavering between hysterical laughter and the need for clarification)  No one else would do it.  Every time they needed someone to read in class, they'd just get all stupid.  And stutter.  Drove me nuts.  I had to keep saying, "it's vagina!!!!!"  Whatta buncha idiots.

MS:  I love my job.  I love it so very, very much.  I love it more than Snow Days and shoe sales.  

CTA:  No one believes me.  I try to tell them what I do here.  They just don't believe me.  

MS:  Love the job.  Love it.  I'm never going to retire.  Ever.  

 The SWINMFFWWBOR beamed happily until his bus was called.  Then he headed home to show his mom his award.  Still beaming.  I love my job.  And I love this kid.  And he loves his award.  And the Puberty teacher appreciated him.  And told him so.  Then laminated it.  

I didn't knit today.  I had to drive home in a blizzard.  Then I had to go to the grocery store where it was mobbed with people who were also out of Mountain Dew and low fat chips.  There was a palpable feeling of anxiety there.  And not much of the Good Will Towards Men.  But I didn't care.

Someone in my class got an award for being a Puberty Reader today.  And I defy you to find someone else who can say that.

SA

27 comments:

Teri S. said...

Yay for SWINMFFWWBOR! That took guts. Good luck with the blizzard. Does that mean that you get another of the treasured snow days tomorrow?

Mel said...

Well that story just warms the cockles of my heart. And makes me think back to the Carter years, when my native state still allowed a proper puberty class instead of "abstinence only".

Donna Lee said...

Mountain Dew and low fat chips? In our neck of the woods, the milk, eggs and bread all disappears. I guess people think we may be snowed in for HOURS and we won't have any FRENCH TOAST! We keep getting rain, cold, bone chilling rain. I wish it was snow. And yay for readers of any sort.

Em said...

Wow. That is The Best Award Ever, right there! Thanks for sharing, that just made my whole day, and helped me forget some of the awkwardness of the roughly fifteen "growing and changing" videos the girls had to watch while the boys got to play basketball. I hope you get fun, manageable amounts of snow, and that if you get too, too much you've got plenty of chips and Mountain Dew.

Julie said...

"it's vagina!!!" How did you not bust a gut laughing? I love it!

YaY for the Puberty teacher telling him she appreciates him.

Beth @ Felt Like Knitting said...

I cannot wait to tell my husband that story. He'll love it.

Alwen said...

And I love your blog, which just made me giggle until my eyes leaked.

(Which I definitely needed on a day that included a black ink pen in the washing machine, dentist appointments for the whole family, and an evening visit to Crazy Bounce.)

Kris said...

All I could think of was our 6th grade sex ed when one kid kept calling them "public" hairs...

kmkat said...

Yup. An encounter like that can make up for a lot. Yay for SWINMFFWWBOR and being appreciated! "It's vagina, idiots!" is priceless!

Kath said...

Oh god - that is great! Somehow, I suspect that boy will go far in life! I mean, this kid will grow up to be the kind of man that will not be afraid to stand in line at the grocery store to buy his wife's tampons.

Leigh said...

Ha ha ha! That's hysterical! I can't belive the things some folks have to go through.

trek said...

Wow. That's it. Just, wow.

You obviously got home okay - hope you are staying out of the storm and in the warm place.

Debbie said...

Sooo glad you decided to share the story. That SWINMFFWWBOR has his priorities straight. Glad there are people like you and your colleagues to reward him.

kim said...

What a fabulous story!!!

Here it is milk, bread & toilet paper.

Cursing Mama said...

That kinda makes me want your job.....

Anonymous said...

I guess some work days are better than snow days!
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

Yarnhog said...

Hahahahahaha!

When my younger son was five, I was driving him and older brother to my mom's in wretched rush hour traffic when he suddenly blurted out, "Mom, sometimes when I think funny thoughts, my penis gets hard and sticks out." I'll bet no one else has ever explained the birds and the bees (in graphic, accurate detail), to a five year old and an eight year old while battling rush hour traffic in Southern California. I wish they taught Puberty in kindergarten.

crzjane said...

I have just pulled my self up off the floor where I have been rolling about in laughter. DH wanted to know what was so funny. After a bit of difficulty he finally understood my attempt to tell him to read the blog. He chuckled and just shook his head at my hysteria.
Stock up that MtDew. Big storm coming!

Mother of Chaos said...

Thank you so much for putting a laugh into a pretty laughless kind of day.

I love your job, too. :)

Knitting Linguist said...

I absolutely love that he was so willing to just get out there and tell folks how to pronounce vagina. Any student deserves an award for that. Now *I* want to teach a puberty class!

Ruth said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying. I love SWINMFFWWBOR, the Puberty teacher, lamination, CTA, and the fact that you got home in one piece.

Ronni said...

OMG I can't stop laughing. If I die from lack of oxygen hubby will have to unload my stash. Huh, that was a more sobering thought than I would have expected. Good for SWINMFFWWBOR and thanks for sharing the story. I'm still breaking out in breathless Snagglepuss-like wheezing laughter.

Rabbitch said...

I'm old. We never learned Puberty in school. We just exchanged whispers in the cloakroom.

Unfortunately we also didn't get puberty class at home. I think my mother might not have a vagina, which explains many things.

Can I come take a class at your school?

Anne said...

Damn but I hope he gets that certificate framed for Christmas.

Bells said...

Oh superb. I want to be there when he's explaining this to the upmteenth family friend of relative and his mother has to hear it again and again and again. LOVE IT!

Hell, even my mother in law wouldn't say the word a few weeks ago when she was having a hystorectomy. So this kid is a good one.

catsmum said...

Perhaps I should've put the coffee cup down before I started to read that post.
Luckily I only splattered the monitor not the keyboard.

Cathy said...

This made my day.

Tho the comments in response were icing.

Have another peanut butter and chocolate chip cookie as a reward. Or ten.