When Appliances Weep...

If you ever happen to be wandering around a department store somewhere in southern Maine and hear gut-wrenching screams of distress, fear not.  The zombies have not arrived to wreak havoc upon the clearance aisle.  Those terrified shrieks you hear are coming from the small appliance department and can only mean one thing:

I've killed another coffee maker and am looking for my next victim.


Some people can't wear watches.  Some are hard on shoes.  Many folks can't keep the houseplants alive without a staff of gardeners and botanists.  One of my students (The Kid Who Needs A Nicotine Patch By Noon) has managed to crash every laptop the tech department has given him and no one can figure out why.  With me, it's coffee makers.

It doesn't matter what I do.  I've tried different brands.  I clean them regularly.  I use nice clean water.  I follow the manufacturers directions, suggestions and mandates.  I do it all.  And I still can't seem to keep them alive.

I'm of two minds with the coffee makers.  Sometimes I think:  You get what you pay for and being cheap with appliances will only cost you in the long run.  Then I kill an expensive coffee maker.

Other times, I declare:  It's not worth it!  I shall lay down ten bucks and not feel badly about what I'm about to do to this thing!!!  Then I kill a cheap coffee maker in half the time and sometimes have coffee leaking all over the counter from the wounds I inadvertently inflict.

This time, I killed a middle-of-the-road coffee maker.  Actually, it's not really dead.  It still makes coffee. I just have to lean on the lid every now and again to keep it running.  If I don't, it sputters and all the little lights go out.  Then I have a half cup of cold coffee to take with me on the morning commute.  Sometimes, I bang on it and say very bad words and that will keep things running long enough to brew up the morning go-juice.  However, that scares the cats and is markedly decreasing my chances of going to heaven.

It kind of has to be the really bad words to work...

I'm fiddling with it.  Maybe it doesn't like the new filter I put in.  Maybe it's just scared because it heard all the other coffee makers telling stories about me and can't function for the fear of it all.  I've only had this machine for a few months and it seems kind of give-uppy to throw in the towel now.  Maybe I can get a year out of it if I think positive thoughts and clean the stupid thing again.  And I really need coffee right now.  Spring is upon us and things are getting dicey here.

I still carry the unfinished sock in my school bag, but I only slipped off to my office to go hug it once today.  I was too busy trying to get the Achievement Testing done to do much in the way of self-comforting.  The students are all gazing longingly out the windows and dreaming of summer vacation instead of math.  Some are so far gone that they are staring at the plywood covering the window that was broken last week.  I'm pretty sure there is nothing I can do for them, but I really should try.  This seems like the responsible "teacherly" thing to do.  In my spare moments, I was checking in on the Cheerful Teaching Assistant because her wedding is mere weeks away and neither of us can figure out how time sped up to the point where we can no longer say, "That's OK.  There's still plenty of time..."

I need the coffee and can't be nurturing yet another coffee maker through its fear of me.  I just need the good stuff to flow into the pot.  I refuse to sink to the level of instant coffee and the first person to suggest tea is going to get such a pinch!!!  It is going to have to suck it up and deal.  I don't mean to kill coffee makers.  In fact, if they would just behave themselves these things wouldn't have to escalate to such levels.  I just need coffee, for crying out loud!!!

I am keeping a stiff upper lip.  It's that or have a blubber-fest with my coffee maker...

SA