Thursday, March 20, 2008

Sheepish Eclipse

I am back to knitting plain socks.  I realize that the sound I am currently hearing is the collective groan of the blogosphere as you all contemplate another endless run of photos displaying pair after pair of plain, stockinette socks.  But, I've worn through a few pair and I need some new ones.  And I've found myself in need of comfort knitting.  You will have to bear with me.

There are always any number of reasons why a person might resort to the plain sort of knitting.  A bad day at the school where you teach.  Rampant budget cuts in the school district which require all sorts of radical fiscal solutions.  The last few months of the school year which, in my line of work, entails many, many, many meetings.  Or the fact that your Big, Fluffy Kitty has a cold and can't just behave like a proper sickly animal and go hide.  No...she requires a great deal of comforting and cuddling.  She may even be mildly afraid of her own sneezes and perhaps fall down every once in a while when a particularly forceful one sneaks up on her.  You may be the target of at least ten snotty kitty sneezes in any given day because you have to carry the ailing clump of fur around for much of the time.

Or this could happen:

Time:  9:30 a.m.
Place:  The classroom of one Ms. Sheep, teacher to America's future.

We enter this scene just as Ms. Sheep is standing next to the Precious Gift Unto Which She Must Impart Knowledge.  Her Cheerful Teaching Assistant, who needed to leave the classroom for a moment, returns.  She casts her eyes about and looks alarmed.

Cheerful Teaching Assistant:  Oh no!  Where is the Precious Gift?  He was just here!

Precious Gift:  (peering around Ms. Sheep and waving merrily)  I'm right here!  Working on the rough draft of my Civic Oration like you told me to!

Ms. Sheep:  (softly)  Dear God.  I am now able to eclipse other living human beings...

CTA:  No, no!  I just didn't see him for a second there!  He's really quite visible.  I must need a check-up for the old eyes!  I blame myself!  (she's a sharp one and can sense danger pretty quickly)

MS:  (voice rising)  I am like a whole planet!  I had a donut for breakfast today!!!  One donut and I have inflated to the point where I can hide pre-teens behind my immense and horrific girth!!!!!!!!

CTA:  (sounding a little desperate)  I just came in at a bad angle...I'll try it again!  I'm sure I'll see him this time!

MS:  I lied.  It wasn't a donut.  It was a gigantic honey bun!  I ate it in the car and now it is kicking in!  Everyone should just stand back before I start to fill up the whole stupid room!!!

CTA: (backing away slightly with her hands held protectively in front of her)'re fine.  Honestly!

MS:  That was a lie, too!  I ate two of them.  Two gigantic honey buns!  In the car!  Don't look at me.  I'm hideous!!!  (begins to make not-so-subtle honking noises that are eventually identifiable as wailing)

Precious Gift:  Boy, you really set her off...

SA:  Leave me!  Save yourselves and leave me to bloat here like the beached whale that I am!

Other Student Working In The Classroom To The New Student Who Is Looking A Bit Alarmed At This Point:  She can be a little "dramatic" sometimes...

So I'm knitting plain socks.  Socks will fit even if you eat two gigantic honey buns for breakfast.  Or find that you are able to completely eclipse other human beings with your honey-enhanced buns.  I thank you for your understanding.

Besides, I've really been wanting to knit some plain socks.  Normally, I get jazzed about the knitting because I've got me some super nice new sock yarn.  This time, however, I wanted to knit them because I have some super nice new dpns.  Forever and then some, I have knit my socks using 56 stitches on size one needles.  Then I saw the light.  And some KnitPicks Harmony needles in a delicate size nada.  Ronni sent me a most thoughtful care package not too long ago and, nestled in there so sweetly, was a set of these things which I have coveted for longer than I care to admit.  So smooth.  So pointy.  So sturdy in spite of their delicate beauty.  It makes a honey bun stuffed Sheep want to set aside convention, cast on a few more stitches and knit up a plain sock just for the experience.  It makes everything better.

But, just in case this isn't enough, I picked up a new accessory today whilst perusing the aisles of the dollar store.  In theory, I was there to get a few things to add to the prize drawer for the well-behaved children at school.  But, I thought that a nice little piece of bling might come in handy for my own self in case the issue of my blocking the view comes up again.

When you are wearing a skull bracelet, no one notices that you are carrying one or two extra honey buns in less than flattering places.



Mel said...

You sure do know how to accessorize.

I know all about the snotty sneezes. Little Snotty Dog has been like having a toddler in the house, and every time I dare hope that we have the snot licked (literally for him, figuratively for me), it comes back. I expect BFK will have an easier time of it.

Geraldine said...

I agree with Mel, that is one bold fashion statment there Sheepie!

You are a fan of the dollar store, I can tell and you do find the finds there!!!

Huggs to you and the Fluffy One and Happy Easter, G

Future SIL said...

" bad a** bracelet you got here" was said by BBS.
Totally bitchin'. Rock on.

Beth said...

Nobody will mess with you now! Maybe you should get another one and use them like Wonder Woman's bracelets. You could deflect all kinds of stuff.

Yarnhog said...

Awesome bracelet!

I'm sure her failure to notice the student had nothing to do with your, uh, girth. She just wasn't paying attention. Why, just the other day, another woman who wasn't paying attention commented that "we must be about the same age--I'm 46." I'm 38. Now, I could have plummeted into a spiral of self-loathing, doubt, and depression...oh, wait. Yeah. That's pretty much what happened.

Where are my dpns?

trek said...

Are kitty sneezes like kid coughs? Able to target you like radar no matter where you are in relationship to the sneezer/cougher?

Oh, yeah, and tell the Cheerful Teaching Assistant that her contact lenses and reading glasses have arrived - she's not been answering the phone, probably because she can't read the caller ID to see that the optometrist is calling.

Anonymous said...

If there is one thing that will keep humankind from achieving its full potential, that one thing is... meetings. I had three yesterday. Two with treats, one with a full buffet lunch complete with chocolate layer cake for dessert. Your girth ain't got nothin' on me, babe.

If tomorrow CTA can't see you, it will be because she is distracted by the bling.

Knitting Linguist said...

I absolutely adore the bracelet. It's perfect for making subtle and unstated points to students. I may have to get one for myself.

Also, I totally support the use of plain sock knitting to get one through difficult times. Given that the Terminator has axed $380 million from our system's budget, $2 million of which has to come from my very own college, I sympathize deeply. Hang in there.

Lynne said...

or... perhaps the yarn is so pretty and self-patterned that you want to show it to advantage by knitting basic stockinette!

knitseashore said...

Wow that bracelet is perfect. It just says "She who must be obeyed" in that subtle, yet unerring fashion that no preteen or CTA could miss.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I know all about the kitty sneezes in the face. Phoebe (the one who shares my pillow) will, on occasion, wake me up with a sneeze to the face! It's a lovely way to wake up.

Love the new bracelet and I like Beth's Wonder Woman idea.

Lorraine said...

"The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize." Claire Belcher in "Steel Magnolias"

Mia said...

oh sheepie! You go with your bad self :)

Karen said...

All teachers should wear that bracelet.
Plain socks are totally blogworthy.

Donna Lee said...

If I keep going to meetings where they serve bagels and gigantic muffins, I will be a planet sized person and then we can start our own solar system. Our worlds can revolve around a huge ball of yarn.

April said...

I am currently eating a donut large enough to feed a family of four. With chocolate icing and nuts on top. Welcome to my Solar System, I've been orbiting for some time now.

Best bracelet EVER.

Ronni said...

I love the skull bracelet. I envy you that bracelet in a most unbecoming way. It's fantastic! I wish I had your skill at the dollar store.

And I'm glad to know that plain stockinette socks is where it's at since I'm working a pair of my own at the moment.

Sorry I missed so many days there. I hope things work out as well as they can for you work-wise next year. We did the reduced hours thing one year around here and while it was not as nice as full time fiscally, I found it was better psychologically than being a survivor of layoffs.

Anne said...

Add me to the list of those who love the skull bracelet!

Maybe the BFK has allergies? My dog Fenway had seasonal allergies & his torrential sneezes always heralded both opening day and the beginning of playoff season....

Happy stockinette. (The other good thing about plain socks is if you need to whip out one of those colorful pointy Harmony dpns to brandish at an administrator, it's not too complicated to thread it back into your sock-in-progress and resume knitting.)

Leigh said...

Those are perfectly sensible reasons for plain knitting if you ask me. (Not that anyone's asking ;)

The Kelly Green Rogue said...

oh my! That's why I love shoes, they fit even if your pants dont! ;)

Cathy said...

Surely that bracelet would ward zombies off too.

Hope BFK feels better soon.

mehitabel said...

Ewww to snotty kitty sneezes. Simon is apparently allergic to people, and sneezes happily all over everything and everyone. Padua drools and drops hair everywhere. Yes, I do miss them now that they are boarding away from the House of Much Disaster, why do you ask?