Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Shot Heard 'Round The World.

Some days are memorable in that they are just the epitome of foolish. There are a myriad of perplexing events that just boggle the mind in their utter senselessness. Some are created by your own absent-mindedness, others just happen and you have the misfortune to be present. Either way, you can't help but end the day shaking your head and wondering if there is a deeper meaning in it all or if you are just the subject of some cosmic reality show.

I awoke this morning feeling a bit better, but still sneezing and snuffling with the Squirrel Pox symptoms. Any hopes of a second snow day were dashed early on and I resigned myself to a full day back at the educational salt mines. My foggy state did not exactly make the morning preparations easier and I really didn't give myself enough time to get the truck cleaned off and prepared to navigate the still icy roads. I discovered that the lower half my windshield had been coated with enough snow that it resisted the sleet that ended our little weather event yesterday. The upper half was encrusted with ice that was utterly impervious to my ice scraper. I lowered the seat as far as possible and headed out, hoping that my half-view of the world would be enough until the defrosters did their job.

I then stopped off for gas. For some reason, though, my debit card was not being accepted at the pumps. I made several attempts, but my PIN number was rejected each time. Finally, the helpful display screen suggested that I go in and deal directly with the cashier. It was then that I realized I was using the wrong credit card. I was denied all further attempts at credit card purchases. I fled the pumps in shame, leaving my gas cap off and dangling in the breezes. I discovered this later at the gas station on the highway where I was more than willing to pay ten cents more per gallon for the privilege of being anonymous. I also used that time to finish clearing the windshield. I figured, I was already late at this point, so I might as well arrive at school alive.

Once at school, things failed to improve. The day off yesterday did little to boost anyone's morale and between the hours of eight and noon, I was informed every hour on the hour that another one of my students was in the office for one misbehavior or another. I went down and rescued the first one. I was still feeling somewhat pleasant at that point. The rest were on their own.

It all came to a head just before lunch. This was when my day just went south for good. There was no coming back from it.

I was working with one of my students in his regular classroom (he tends to do rather badly when I am not there to glare at him) and it was apparent that he has the same cold that has been plaguing me these days. I offered to get him some tissues from my classroom as they are the nice, soft kind that will not scratch his tender little nose. He gratefully accepted. I set him up with his assignment and promised to return quickly. I was a mere five feet from the door when I heard it. This sound. It had the "blatting" quality of a klaxon and could, perhaps have been a chair roughly scraped across the floor at a bad angle. I had but a moment to think, "gosh, I hope no one thinks that came from me" before the students in the class began groaning and crying out the name of the classroom teacher in accusatory tones. It was the sounding of the Southern Horn, A Gastric Greeting, A Fruit Toot...

The teacher had farted.

Now, I don't mean to dwell on unpleasantries here and hate that I might offend my loyal readers. I also don't want to come across all judgemental. I mean, who among us has not played a solo on the tushy trumpet at an unfortunate moment? But, gosh 'n fishes, no human being should ever make a noise like that and still be alive when its last note has finished reverberating! This was unlike anything I have ever heard. It fairly cried out for the intervention of a specialist of some sort. This was just not normal!!!!! The only other possible explanation is that the poor teacher, trapped by yesterday's blizzard, was forced to cobble together meals with only the broccoli, burritos and popcorn that was on hand.

I left the teacher to pick up what shreds of dignity remained to be gathered and deal with the class as best as was possible under the circumstances while I went about my tissue errand. I then stood in my own classroom for several minutes wondering if it would be wrong to just never go back and leave the poor student with the drippy nose to fend for himself. To face the teacher who had just shared such a personal gastric moment with so many seemed uncomfortable, to say the least. I'm ashamed to admit that it was a near thing. But, in the end, I did go back. The poor, intestinally challenged educator had managed to regain control of the class and I simply avoided all eye contact for the remainder of the day.

The situation was revisited after recess when one of my fifth graders returned to class to report that he had gotten further information on "all that teacher farting." It seems that it has been an issue all week in that classroom. I guess I was just lucky to have been in the right place at the right time today...

On the positive side, it seems that it was one of those magical farts that you sometimes hear about. My cold symptoms have steadily improved throughout the day and it is looking like I will be able to catch a few hours at SPA Knit And Spin on Saturday! It was looking doubtful for a while there, but I'm really feeling much better tonight so I'm calling it a "go." If you happen to catch sight of me, please do say, "hi." I'll be fairly easy to spot. Just look for the lady who is clearly at her first ever fiber event and overwhelmed by the joy of it all.

And it is entirely possible that I will be telling fart jokes.

SA

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am still laughing. Your mother was not especially amused. DS

debsnm said...

Never underestimate the joy of a good fart joke! There are web sites - I'm just sayin'

Sheila said...

Too funny!
Maybe you can can those magical gases and save them for the next time you've a cold.
Thanks for the laugh, even if it was potty humor!

chris said...

OMG - what a story! And we had a delay today. So. not. nice. Hope you continue to be on the mend and I hope there really isn't such a thing as a magical fart!

Julie said...

That is just too funny! That poor teacher; how do you recover from farting in front of a classroom full of middle-schoolers? They'll be talking about that for years to come.

See you Saturday and I'll be expecting some good fart humor :)

p.s. I see Daddy Sheep appreciates a good fart story.

Mel said...

I remember John Cleese weighing in during an interview once on the inestimable value of a good fart joke. So long as you're not the butt of it, I suppose. *snigger*

Regarding the debit card thing, I usually swipe mine as a credit card, as I find the pumps are often not very good at accepting them as debit. Some (stupid & evil) banks will charge an ATM fee if you use it as debit, too.

Beth said...

I'm immune to the fart jokes around my household, but I laughed so much at this story that I cried and my sides hurt. And then Daddy Sheep's comment about your mom got me. Thanks for a good laugh! I'm glad you're feeling better, regardless of how. :)

Anonymous said...

I cannot remember the last time I laughed until my eyes teared up. You have such a way with words.
Punkin in Oregon

brenda said...

I come from a big family with lots of brothers, so I love a good fart story! That poor teacher, those students will never let him forget it.

I''m planning on going to SPA on Saturday, it will be my first fiber event also. I'll be wandering around in a daze too.

mehitabel said...

I'm so jealous you get to go to SPA!! Look for my square in one of the afghans, ok?? It's rust-colored in Little Shells pattern. Oh well, I guess I will just have to console myself with Asilomar and Stitches West--not at all the same! (Remind me sometime to tell you how we smuggled a can of Fart Spray into Australia...)

April said...

Oh Sheepie, thank you for such a hilarious story. And so well told to boot. Why I'm laughin' so hard, I'm cryin'.

Jeanne said...

"personal gastric moment" I will have to remember that one! LOL!

I heard a great suggestion in class today. A guy in my class discovered that if he parked under his front walk light, and changed the bulb to a heat lamp, by morning, he wouldn't have to scrape off his car. The heat lamp prevented it from frosting over.

I wrote it down for future reference.

Mia said...

oh sheepie.. you're just too funny and that post even made ME smile which is sayin' somethin' these days.

doesn't sound like you got any of that half price chocolate (me either) but the whole gas episode sounds SO like something that would happen to me!

feel better soon.

livnletlrn said...

Hey Annie --

My whole family will be at Spa too! We're greeter gnomes tonight (Fri.) from 6:00-8:00. We'll prob. be spending much of Saturday by the pool (12 y.o. son in the water, DH spinning, 8 y.o. dau. knitting/spinning). Dau. and her friend are planning to prance around in their handknits at the fashion show on Saturday night. I'd love to meet you!

peace --
debbie
www.livnletlrn.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking that you need to leave a bottle of Beano on that teacher's desk

Anonymous said...

Better out than in.
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

trek said...

You are just too funny.
Hey, look, Daddy Sheep was the first to comment today!

Anne said...

Have an absolutely fantastic time dearie! You will have a blast. If you run into Kim and Judy, give em both hugs for me - I miss seeing them!

CursingMama said...

I had to stop reading and take a break so my current work activity didn't become too obvious. Too Funny! Can not wait to use some of your phrases on the male specimins living in my house - they are going to die laughing.

(I also love that your mother was not amused because mine would react the same way)

Lorraine said...

I laughed so hard, my kids freaked out. They thought I'd lost it. I'll probably be chuckling all day, bursting out at the most inappropriate moments. Thanks for the day brightener!!!!

Debby said...

Glad you are feeling better! Have a good time at SPA!

Anonymous said...

I laugh til I cry every time I think about "The Shot Heard Round the World". You entertain me everyday. Grammie Sheep would be proud. Auntie Sheep

April said...

Haha, "solo on the tushy trumpet." 24 hours later and I'm still laughin'.

Diana said...

Very, very funny story. I'm still laughing.

Kate said...

Obviously fart jokes work. You write great stuff everyday, you write about a fart and even your dad comes out of lurkdom to comment. How is this possible. Yes, you are the Annie of course. I needed someone else who specializes in quirky.