Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Don't Look At Me...

I love it when it's not me.  Mostly, it is me.  So, when it's not me, I get pretty happy about it.

If there is a verbal faux pas to be made, I will be the one to make it.  If there is something that shouldn't be said, I will blurt it out no matter who tries to stop me.  Should you desire that something be held in the strictest of confidence, I will most certainly forget from whom I am supposed to be keeping this secret and, the next thing you know, the engagement is off.  

I have often been heard to say aloud the things that I meant to just think and my witty observations are sometimes not always the most well-timed of quips.  It's just my way.  I like to think it is a charming quirk because I need to somehow make it through each day with some degree of self-esteem to my credit.

Today, however, it was not me.  

At the end of the school day, all the kiddies return to their homerooms for a final good-bye from their beloved teachers and to half-listen to whatever announcements must be made from the main office.  Today, there were many announcements.  We knew this because the principal told us that there were many announcements and he is a very truthful sort of fellow.  He also has a pretty amazing sense of humor so, in the middle of this lengthy recitation, he dramatically stopped to catch his breath.   He even went so far as to tell us that this was something he must to do given the amount of information that needed to be broadcast.

Except he didn't say, "catch  my breath."  We knew that is what he meant to say.  Nothing else would have really made sense, after all.  Plus, you could kind of tell he was out of breath and I'm guessing that this is probably why he fumbled his words a bit.  It happens to the best of us.  We all miss the pronunciation mark every now and again.

What most of us don't do, however, is announce to the entire middle school and all the parents who have come to pick up their children that we need to "catch our breasts."

I'll just give you a minute.  This is one of those things for which you really need the time to develop a mental picture.  All set?  OK.  Let us continue.

And so it was that Ms. Sheep found herself stranded in a room with 8 somewhat worldly teen aged boys and the knowledge that it is probably not all that appropriate to laugh at the image of her revered boss chasing down you-know-whats in the office.  I lost that battle of good vs. evil, in case you were wondering.  Some things are simply beyond my control.  

You would have done the same and you know it.  As proof, I offer my having witnessed several parents leaving the building with their young 'uns in tow and laughing to the point of tears while they repeated the poor principal's words.  Even my Less-Than-Cheerful Teaching Assistants cracked a smile and that is saying something.

It wasn't me.  This time, they won't be shaking their heads over my having done something horrible to the English language.  I feel badly for the principal...but I can't help but smile knowing that, this time, it wasn't me.

That sort of happiness can take you a long way.  It can fuel you with the upbeat energy necessary to slog through an hour long session on the little exercise bike when you get home from work.  It can make the fact that the decreases on the hat you are knitting don't really seem to make any more sense on the second try than they did on the first.  You suddenly don't care so much that the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty has taken vast amounts of crunchy kitty food and scattered it all around the kitchen where it is getting stuck in the treads of your shoes.  

None of that matters.  Because this time...it wasn't me announcing that I needed to catch the you-know-whats in front of an entire middle school.  It's a good feeling.



Yarnhog said...

Oh, man, that's hilarious! I'll bet some irate parent with no sense of humor reads him the riot act.

When I was a teenager, I spent a year in Germany as a foreign exchange student. I didn't speak German when I arrived, and it was a pretty steep learning curve. There were five of us in the house and we all shared a bathroom. One morning, I was in a rush and my 18-year-old host brother was in the bathroom. I had only a towel wrapped around me when I banged on the door and asked him loudly (in my limping German) if he'd seen my hairbrush. At least, that's what I thought I said. I soon learned (when he opened the door laughing his head off) that I had actually asked him if he'd seen "my hairy breasts." Oh yeah. That one was all over the school before lunch.

PICAdrienne said...

Well, catching breasts can be very important. I would also guess that had you giggling, even as you blogged it, and will keep you giggling intermittently for quite awhile. I am guessing you will be laughing about it all year long.

punkin said...

Ha ha ha Funny! Thanks for sharing.

My son's French teacher shared with the class a faux pas he made with his host family soon after he arrived in France. The whole family sat down to dinner, and the French teacher intended to ask the father of the family to pass the jelly but instead he asked him to pass the condoms. and the teenage daughter was present. One of those moments you don't forget.

trek said...

Some days, you really have to work to find the blog fodder.

Other days, it is handed to you on a golden platter.

Kath said...

Okay, if that was one of the schools I attended, tomorrow morning there will be a bra flying from the school flagpole.

Beth said...

Oh, that is so funny! Thanks for the laugh. I needed it because I was just told that the dog peed on the carpeted floor. Somehow it's my job to clean that up. :( At least I can laugh while I clean.

crzjane said...

That is so funny. I wonder if his face will still be red today.
Thank you for the chuckle. Even though today is (half-day) Wednesday I still have to go to work (Boo)
I love it too when someone else makes the blunder, but when it's your boss. That makes it 10 to 20 times better!

Anonymous said...

My kitty is looking at me like I'm out of my mind; she doesn't understand why I can't stop laughing out loud! That is just too priceless.

Cursing Mama said...

So, did he catch them?
Did you ask.......?

Karen said...

Oh my! That will keep me laughing all day.

Jacqui said...


when i was a vet student, my instructor mistakenly used the word masturbation instead of mastication. that was funny, but we were all supposed to be 'professionals'.

this? this is priceless.

Anonymous said...

Heh. Gotta wonder where his mind was when he made that mistake.

catsmum said...

brilliant! but you might have posted a 'no beverages' warning on this one. You very nearly eneded up owing me a new keyboard!! :]

Lynne said...

Poor man - will he ever live it down! :-)