Sunday, September 14, 2008

Close Enough...


After being so harshly taken to task by my very own Conscience regarding my sad lack of knitting these days, I really did make an effort to finish something this weekend.  Honest.  It is rare for me to get a call from The Mistress Of Feel Bad so I figured I'd better grab myself some needles and a pattern post haste.  

Sadly, I did not finish the project.  But, after years of developing my amazing rationalization skills, I think I can appease the Conscience and walk away with my head held high.  I may not have finished the hat I cast on, but I made many amazing discoveries over this weekend.  Discoveries so earth-shattering that I think my Conscience will be handily distracted.  As long as I keep knitting away on this thing, she won't even know the difference.  Let's take a look at the results of my research and deep thoughts over the past 48 hours, shall we?

Amazing Discovery #1:  When I purchased my very own copy of Bubba Ho-Tep through the inter-webs, I kind of didn't know what I was getting.  I knew it wasn't going to be completely in keeping with my preferred zombie genre, but I figured that it had a mummy in it so that would kind of make it fit.  Mummies are generally pretty dead.  And in the movies they have a tendency to stroll around wreaking havoc on the living which is really rather zombiesque if you think about it.  I didn't believe it would add all that much to my ever-growing library of research films designed to offer me strategies for surviving the coming Zombie Apocalypse, but I did think it might be pretty funny.  At least it sounded like it might be...

It certainly had some pretty darned funny moments.  But it was actually quite sad and made me all reflect-y.  Any movie that has an aging Elvis living out his golden years hiding in a third rate Texas retirement home, bitterly regretting his life choices then attempting redemption through the selfless act of risking his life to fight a threat from beyond the grave is bound to be a little thought provoking.  I'm not being facetious here...it's really quite heart-wrenching at points.  

Further, we get a rare opportunity to see lead actor Bruce Campbell truly acting rather than merely reacting to various B-movie monsters crafted of foam rubber and hopeful engineering.  He's nothing short of brilliant.  I watched it twice.


Amazing Discovery #2:  Absurdly Gi-normous Kitties have a tendency to interfere with the knitting process.  They interfere at a level that is beyond anything a knitter should ever have to face.  They eat the yarn.  They attack the swift.  They stalk the knitting basket.  It is a trial.

Fortunately, I have discovered that AGKs have a few weaknesses.  There are things they fear.  I have now expanded the list to include the following:

*The vacuum cleaner (Who can blame him?  I'm a little scared of it myself.  I just know it will one day try to suck up my hair...)

*Thunder and/or fireworks (This was something of an issue over the summer as I live at the beach and we have fireworks every Thursday through the end of August.  We also had about three million thunderstorms.)

*Soft, Fuzzy Squeaky Ducks

It is the latter which has saved the knitting this weekend.  What trauma occurred in the AGK's past to elicit such terror at the gentle chirps from Soft Fuzzy Squeaky Ducks, I know not.  I only know that it is so.  There mere sight of a Soft, Fuzzy Squeaky Duck is enough to send even the most determined eater of the yarn a-running.



I can't look!  Is it gone?  Tell me it's gone!!!!!

I now keep a Soft, Fuzzy Squeaky Duck in the knitting basket.  It is at the ready should I need to make some squeaky sounds and save the WIP.  

And those of you who are determined to point out the utter ridiculousness that is a woman approaching her mid-forties and carrying around a Soft Fuzzy Squeaky Duck, have at it.  Just be aware that you aren't telling me anything I don't already know... 


Big, Fluffy Kitties, on the other hand, are not frightened of Soft Fuzzy Squeaky Ducks at all.  They don't even seem to notice them.  

Amazing Discovery #3:  This one will knock you for a loop!  Literally I suppose, since there was an actual loop involved.  It appears that I have discovered an Alternate Knitting Universe.  It seems that it is possible to have yarn that is coming from two different places.  One is exactly what you'd expect:  between the stitch you just knit and the one you'd like to knit.  The other is rather mysterious and seems to be related to the large loop of yarn I discovered at the back of my knitting.  I don't know where it came from except that it should have been yarn I'd already knit into the hat.  I don't know where it went.  I only know that it grew larger when I tinked back a row and that it disappeared when I was done with the tinking.  It is Yarn From The Past.  There is no way to predict just when it will appear since the only way to make this time warp happen is to stop paying attention to what you are doing and then you will surely miss the point where you opened the doorway to the past.  But, once you've created this Knitting Time Loop, you will be amazed and mystified by it.  

You might also be a little bit ticked off since it takes some time to examine it, pick at it, question it, try to make it into a stitch then, finally, tink back a row.  This is especially vexing when you are attempting to finish a simple hat so that your whining Conscience will finally shut its big, fat mouth and let you watch TV in peace.  It is entirely possible that you will say some of the words that you mom told you to never, ever say because they will make you sound like a person of very low character.  

I admit nothing...

As you can see, I have certainly had a most productive weekend even if I didn't manage to whip out a simple hat like real knitter might.  The rate of Amazing Discoveries going on around here should make up for any lack of Finished Objects.  I believe that my Conscience will understand why I failed to meet her challenge.

And, if she doesn't then I shall simply eat a black and white cookie and let her get all high and mighty about my rate of calorie consumption.  That's usually good for a distraction...

SA

8 comments:

Teri S. said...

I think your Conscience should leave you in peace. You are trying, and as you said, you are extremely busy. Having to fend off a small, very energetic kitty when I'm knitting is no small feat. I can't even imagine fending off an AGK! Good luck with the hat and may the AGK continue to be scared of Soft, Fuzzy Squeaky Ducks.

Carrie K said...

Poor afeared AGK. Although he looks more Cutely Napping than Cowering In Terror.

Your conscience should give you at least the first month of school off. There are adjustments that must be made.

And lastly - a Bruce Campbell movie I haven't seen? Oh no! I hope you're watching Burn Notice? Series finale Thurs.

kmkat said...

The soft fuzzy squeaky and scary duck sounds like a great solution to the AGK vs. yarn problem.

Kath said...

In my house all squeaky things have been pounced and pummeled til they have no squeak left in them, very sad. Over time my crazy cat has learned to leave me alone when I'm knitting with just the occasional reminder - but I'd never leave it unguarded!

Karen said...

It's getting awfully crowded there in your home. You've got 2 kitties, HM, RM, your Conscience and now a soft, fuzzy squeaky duck. It's a wonder you get any knitting done. The line for the bathroom alone must take hours;)

gayle said...

Love.Bruce.Campbell! I'll have to check out the movie...
My favorite zombie movie is "Sean of the Dead" - lots of useful zombie-fighting techniques in that one! (Pool cues and LPs - who knew?)
I had that same Yarn from the Past experience while knitting a sock. It is indeed quite perplexing. Though I was watching "Lost" at the time, so I suppose I could blame that...

Knitting Linguist said...

Consciences in general are vastly overrated, and should be ignored for their own good, lest they develop an Ego.

I'm tremendously amused by the duck -- thank goodness for strange quirks in AGKs!

knitseashore said...

The AGK is way too cute to be a yarn eater. It must be a zombie type clone?