Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Therapy Bullets

Another mid-week moment is upon us and it is time for a Wednesday Night Bullet Post.  24 hours in shorthand...I do love the day I can be all over the map. Especially when my mind needs to recover just a little bit. Here we go:

*My internet went out last night. Apparently this occurred shortly after I put up yesterday's post. Timing is everything, I suppose.

*It wasn't a problem, really. I was going out anyway. I decided to go visit The Yarn Sellar and join Noolie and Patti for a Chicks With Sticks knitting night.

*It's good to knit someplace other than the couch every once in a while.

*My Big, Fluffy Kitty really likes Greenies. She loves them a great deal. She now annoys me every time I go into the kitchen, hoping that I will succumb to her cute face and endless bleating and just give her a treat. This can get annoying, but is really good when you need to bribe the kitty into allowing you to go out for the evening.

*When a group of women get together, it is generally pretty likely that at least some of them will be mothers. These Givers Of Life need to get out every now and again. You can't blame them really. It is also pretty likely that you will hear conversations like this when you join a group of them for a knitting night:

Giver Of Life: I can't even let my older son use the other bathroom because his little brother likes to flush his toys and sometimes they don't go down. On the next flush, I have to clean everything up.

Sheepish Annie: I think I may just stop by the hospital on the way home and see about getting a hysterectomy...

*The lady next to me (who I don't really know but who almost had to fend off my inappropriate advances because she has those new, cool Harmony Needles from Knitpicks and I really wanted to pet them) thought that was pretty funny.

*I may not have children, but I know the direction in which these conversations will tend to travel. Noolie and Patti did a rather magnificent job of fleeing the scene to go finalize a yarn-buying transaction. I was not fast enough...

*And, predictably, the conversation turned to all things delivery-related. The Giver Of Life moved on to a description of her journey to the hospital in order that she might give birth to one of these children who would later create such plumbing issues. I didn't really understand most of it, but there did seem to be a rather inordinate use of words like, "crowning," and "sac." I think there was some water involved as well, but I can't really be sure.

*There was this weird buzzing sound in my head and I wasn't breathing all that well.

*Everyone else seemed pretty jazzed about this conversation and all had their own contributions to make as certified Givers Of Life.

*My input consisted of the following:

Maybe I should call ahead. You know. Just to make sure that the hospital has a room available in the Hysterectomy Department...

*The Lady With The Harmony Needles Who Honestly Had No Idea Just How Close I Was To Stealing Them really seemed to like that one.

*By now, things had spiraled completely out of control and we were fully enmeshed in Baby War Stories. The Giver Of Life began describing how she had to explain (in what I can only assume was a less than patient tone at that point) to her husband that she would need a wheelchair once they arrived at the hospital. Or, as she put it, "I can't walk! I've got your kid's head hangin' outta me!!!!!"

*My response: OK. I don't even care if they have an anesthesiologist on call tonight. I'll just bite down on a leather belt or something...

*Harmony Needle Lady, who struck me as being really a rather classy sort of woman, actually made a snorting sound.

*Then things kind of went just a little bit grey. I remember something about the use of some horrifically invasive sort of procedure that involved the manipulation of metallic objects and which was geared towards forcibly removing a baby from a human body...but I can't be sure. All I remember clearly was announcing that I'd like an epidural and the Harmony Needle Lady kind of doubling over.

*The next clear impression I had was of Patti's kindly hand on my shoulder and her asking me if I'd been able to contribute to this conversation in any way.

*The Harmony Needle Lady said I did pretty well...

*It seems that trauma to one's delicate and non-childbearing psyche is rather good for knitting, though.



You can knit, like, a whole sock cuff! It's like you go into a self-protective knitting bubble...


*I still had to stop on the way home and buy an unhealthy amount of half-priced Valentine's Day Candy.


For medicinal purposes only.


*It helped.

*Look, I knit a sock!


Different one from last night, though.  That's still in the knitting bag while I recover from its unpleasant associations.

*I had something of a candy hangover today so it's not like I could be a social butterfly or anything. This left me with a great deal of knitting time.

*And seclusion is good for Childbirth Induced Trauma recovery.

*Knit Night is not for the faint of heart. You gotta be tough to go knit in a group. It's like a gang initiation or something.

Happy Wednesday, everyone. And to all you Givers Of Life out there, as much as I don't care for the group sharing, I gotta say I'm impressed. You're like warriors!!!

SA


25 comments:

Julie said...

Oh Annie, I had a great deal of difficulty getting through this post. I am still having trouble breathing; it's not easy to breath when you are laughing hysterically. I was going to say that I'm sorry I missed that conversation, but honestly - I'm not. It must have really traumatized you though, because that was my hand on your shoulder and my inquiry as to your contribution :-)

I hope this hasn't scarred you for life and that by the next school vacation you won't remember any of it and will join us again (I promise to bring you with me when I flee the scene).

trek said...

I promise not to tell you horror stories about birthing a Neatnik. Suffice it to say that Number Guy did successfully bend me into a pretzel and the doctor did arrive in time to catch.

We shall not speak of the doctor telling me not to push.

Mouse said...

Heh. My only comment is that I've heard around the internets that those Greenies can cause choking problems - I think it was WendyKnits who wrote about having to stop giving Lucy those for that reason. I may have also imagined the whole thing.. but you might want to use your GoogleFu anyway just to be on the safe side.

brenda said...

Sorry I missed it! I

Future SIL said...

Condoms...$4.99

Pregnancy test....$12.99

One child in college....$25,000 a year.

Reading about Sheep having a hysterectomy.......PRICELESS.

kmkat said...

So I take it you don't want to hear my Giving Life story about waking up in the middle of the C-section because of inadequate anesthesia?

knitmd said...

And then there is the sign on a co-worker's locker that says "Teenagers are the reason animals eat their young." The Givers of Life can also take it away! (Spoken by one who didn't learn by once, or twice or even three times - I must be a slow learner.) Thanks for the best laugh in a very long time!

Beth said...

What a great post! :) It sounds like you handled the conversation very well indeed. (By the way, I couldn't see the sock pictures for some reason.)

Kath said...

I appreciate the Givers of Life because they make it possible for folks like me to knit baby items. But ehhh...I truly do not want to hear the gritty details!

I usually counter child poo/puke stories with cat poo/puke stories. And since I've worked in an animal shelter, I have many fine stories to share!

Ronni said...

Once again I am reduced to a cackling wheezing mess. Beautifully told.

I shall have to read again of course when Blogger consents to display the photos for me.

I'm totally with Harmony Lady. Speaking of which, a set did make it all the way there with the tshirt and whatnot didn't they? If not let me know.

April said...

We need to go back to that stork delivery system. It seems a lot simpler if you ask me.

Rabbitch said...

As soon as I learned how babies got out, I opted for surgery.

Mia said...

As a non life-giver, I've heard lots of those stories myself (just with no funny Sheepie alongside to make me laugh). But boy, am I ever glad it wasn't just ME that bought that half price valentine heart for myself yesterday :)

But hey, every girl deserves a valentine heart.. even if she has to buy it herself after the big day in the clearance isle!

catsmum said...

no photos - what? has your blog caught my blog's photo eating illness?
anyway I also shall not share any birth stories with you ... now I hope that you appreciate my restraint kiddo!!
I mean, I could tell you the one about ...
[ backing away quietly]

Karen said...

Lovely socks!!
I have 2 children and 2 completely different arrival stories. Based on what I read here I think you'd rather hear about the Logan Airport arrival rather than the 4:30AM c-section after 20+ hours of induced labor.

Amy Boogie said...

Beautiful post. Before I had kids, conversations like this always made me want to run to the hysterectomy department too.

Candy does sound like a safer option though :)

Cursing Mama said...

Birthing horror stories freak me out & I actually did it too. I'll remember to keep my lips zipped in this arena in the future. It is nice that you were able to contribute to such a discussion; I imagine if they had moved on to "terrible twos" you would've really been a hit with tales of the BFK.

Teri S. said...

Too, too funny! I wish I had your gift for repartee. Unfortunately, I'm fascinated by medicine and provide encouragement to these stories by asking what are probably inappropriate questions. Looks like you've finished up on Monkey sock. I'm impressed; I'm still working out the gauge issues on mine. And is the other sock Trekking XXL in color 100?

Alwen said...

It is an initiation, similar to my first time in the women's shower room at the pool. Who knew? ;)

knitseashore said...

Do you need a roomie in the department?

I know a little bit about what you must have experienced. During the knit night I attend, the moms in our group often talk about their kids' bad behavior...but if they are my mother's age, that means their kids are...my age. Not exactly something I feel comfortable contributing to. And some of them are grandmothers, or about to be. Thank goodness my mom and dad seem content to have four legged grandchildren. I *do* send them photos regularly. Does that count?

debsnm said...

Ah, yes - the "my delivery was worse than yours" conversation. We only do that to scare the h@ll out of those of you who haven't yet stepped up.
I am kind of surprised about the toys-in-the-toilet thing, though - I thought you were a teacher, thus spending many long, wonderful days with those we have so lovingly brought into this world. huh! Go figure.

Deb said...

As a one-time GOL, I promise to remain silent on the birthing stories from now on. God, I had NO idea just how stupid we sound.

wendy e said...

Too funny! I just got back from the H dept, and it was a breeze. I highly recommend it - like a spa retreat with heavy drugs, followed by a vacation at home.

BUT - Now I'm being treated to everyone's hysthorrorectomy stories. Like I joined a club I didn't even know existed. (Shiver).

mehitabel said...

Been there, done both--the Giving of Life (and then later threatening to take it away) and the hysterectomy. I don't discuss either one. But then, there is usually much more interesting knitting going on that we can talk about...

TheAmpuT said...

You're a riot.
For the record: a) I am a giver of life and I cannot stand sitting around with a gaggle of women talking about it. Doing it was enough. b) I always thought I'd have more than one kid, until I had the first one LOL