Monday, August 06, 2007

Sweet, Sweet Monday!

It is 6:00 in the evening and there is a bit of a ruckus going on in the kitchen of The Sheep household. It seems that Sheepie has done that thing where she separates her brain into their respective halves and allows them to roam freely about the vast expanse of the condo. Rational Mind, who has been patiently sorting socks in the bedroom in a fruitless attempt at finding mates for all, enters the kitchen and encounters the backside of Hysterical Mind as she leans into the refrigerator up to her waist. For reasons known only to herself, she is belting out "Strawberry Fields Forever" in her signature off-key style.

Rational Mind: Whatcha doin' there, little buddy? Is it time to check all the expiration dates again? Should I go get the number for the Food And Drug Administration so we can call them repeatedly throughout the evening and ask nonsensical questions about what constitutes, "spoiled?" It's been a month. I'm pretty sure the last restraining order has run out by now.

Hysterical Mind: Nope. We're doing that next week. I'm just making a little snack. (Resumes singing, adding a little dance move that involves the waggling of her bottom half as it protrudes from the ice box. This is not as "fetching" a sight as she imagines it to be.)

RM: Well, normally I'd say that it is too close to dinner for a snack, but what the heck? Let's live a little. I do believe we have some lovely raisins on the third shelf, there. Let's party like it's our birthday! (Performs a somewhat rigid, shuffling motion that is intended to be a dance move of her own.)

HM: No. I want an english muffin. Where are the english muffins???? I need an english muffin!!! Who took the muffins? Someone stole our!!! Help!!! Muffin thief!! Oh..wait! Here they are. Never mind.

RM: English muffins? No. It's too close to dinner. You may have a half cup of raisins. Are you listening to me??? I said no muffin!!

HM: You're not the boss of me. I want a toasted english muffin with strawberry jam. (Sticks out her tongue, dons oven mitts and proceeds to The Very Sharp Knife Drawer) Now, watch me. If the knife slips and cuts me through the mitts while I'm slicing my muffin, you will have to make sure that I don't die before I get my snack.

RM: Hate to be the bearer of bad news. Really I do. But we are living in a jam-free zone. You did that thing where you think you can shop from memory and left the list at home. You bought a cheese grater and pizza flavored chewing gum. But you forgot the jam.

HM: We've got Mail Jam.

RM: Come again?

HM: Mail Jam! It is jam that comes in the mail. The cute UPS guy comes to the door and gives you jam. And look! It comes with cool cards, too!

RM: Mail Jam? Now we are eating jam that comes in the mail? You...the one who wanted us to ask Santa for an X-ray machine and an Anthrax test kit for Christmas, are now saying that the mail is safe? We can eat from the mail? That's what you're telling me?

HM: Good heavens, no! All sorts of bad things come in the mail. Heck, this jam could have ground glass, cyanide or vitamins in it! You should never trust the mail. Could you move, please?. You're blocking the toaster oven. Oh, and here's the fire extinguisher. Keep it trained on the muffin for the full toasting cycle and for another twenty minutes afterwards. You know I'm scared of the toaster oven...

RM: Sure, no problem. Now, back to the jam situation. If you are scared of Mail Jam, why on earth do you continue with the toasting activities?

HM: I'm not scared of this jam, silly! It came from Denise! Denise is nice and she has a spinning wheel that looks just like ours! And she's funny. And she makes jam! I love jam! Besides, if you're going to break a principle, shouldn't it be for jam? Look, she sent some raspberry jam, too! I honestly don't know where you come up with all these silly are a little paranoid if you ask me. Hey! Keep that fire extinguisher level! You're going to get all the extinguisher juices mixed up and that is a Federal Offense! I read about it on the Internet!!!

RM: Sorry. My bad. So, to be clear, Mail Jam is a bad thing unless it comes from Denise or anyone else who is funny and has a spinning wheel like ours. Otherwise, it is The Jam Of Death. Have I missed anything?

HM: Nope. That about covers it. Except for the part about the extinguisher juices, but I printed out some stuff on that for you to read later so you should be up to speed on the new laws that the government isn't telling us about in no time at all.

RM: Well that's dandy! How about slicing me one of those english muffins and we'll have a snack together?

HM: No, no, no. It's too close to dinner for us to be having a multiple muffin experience. There's some raisins on the third shelf of the fridge that I hear are quite lovely.

RM: Awwww....dibs on the muffin for the bedtime snack, though!

People, we are talking about some darned fine jam, here! Good enough for Hysterical Mind to eat it before subjecting it to a rigorous inspection and for Rational Mind to approve its consumption before dinner! And the cards? Knitting themed!!!

Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This...who am I to disagree?
Thank you so much, Denise! This is a real summertime treat for me and I was so touched when you offered to share your homemade happiness in a jar. I shall be taking your advice with regard to the placement of the jam on the ice cream shortly. But, I think I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow for that.
I'm not admitting to anything...but it is possible that there was, in fact, a multiple muffin moment.


Beth said...

Homemade jam on ice cream is wonderful! Yum!

trek said...

Multiple muffin moment? Just saying that I sounded like my mouth was full of said muffins!

Mouse said...

now I want english muffins too! I like mine with apple butter though.. and a little bit of butter.

Anonymous said...

Multiple muffins are actually required when the jam is of the yummy homemade variety!

Leigh said...

Homemade jam? Lucky you! I like it on homemade whole wheat bread. The english muffins I save for butter and honey.

kmkat said...

You had me at " flavored chewing gum...".

April said...

Dude, you got homemade jam in the mail? That's incredibly awesome, what a nice person Denise is. What a sweet, wonderful, generous, beautiful, considerate, giving, loving, gentle, adorable, sweet person she is.

Psst ... think it's working???

Sheila said...

Sounds yummy.
Note to self: buy jam at this Saturday's Farmer's Market!

catsmum said...

Oh God. First I read caity's blog and she's raving about crumpetty goodness and now I've got RM and HM seducing me with the muffins.
It's YOUR fault if I get fatter!!!

Anonymous said...

YUM! Jam! There is nothing better than homemade jam. Eat a muffin for me.

Bobbi said...

yum! jam! those cards are too cute, where did she get them?

Denise said...

LOL, you are so funny!

I'm glad HM was okay with the jam even though I forgot to include the details of the very safe, sanitary, and scientific details of its creation. (involving a dishwasher with a hot water/heat dry cycle that renders jars hot enough to practically sear the flesh if touched directly, boiling jam, and a follow-up hot water bath 'just to be safe').

I must find out more about this pizza-flavored chewing gum!

Cursing Mama said...

Now I'm in the mood for a multiple muffin moment....

Mia said...

ooooh yeah.. gotta love the toasty english muffins with jam.... but if you REALLY want to live on the wild side... give the muffin a good shmear of butter first, THEN slather on the jam!!

Cathy said...

I love you dearly but I have to kill you. I could be restrained by an offer of jam laden muffin tho.

Debby said...

Oh that sounds so good! Definitely worth all the risks involved.

I hope your Teddy is better. My Raggedy Ann is like that! :)

Carrie K said...

Homemade jam and a multiple muffin moment. Mah-velous.

Oooh! I've gotten one of those cards! Amy from KnitThink sent me one. And why does Minneaopolis have a retail store and nowhere in Northern California? Does that seem right to you? Either of you. ;)

crzjane said...

Yum, homemade raspberry jam. Sounds really good, on anything!
Enjoy Sheepie.