Sister Act

I am fortunate to have a Baby Brother Sheep of whom I am rather fond.  We have always gotten along famously and don't mind each other's company.  We've even taken a couple of road-trip-type-vacations together as adults and have emerged relatively unscathed by sibling savagery.  He's a good kid.

Still...I sort of always thought it might be nice to have a sister.

I'm certain I must have mentioned this once or twice during my formative years to Mommy and Daddy Sheep.  I honestly don't remember how they navigated their way around this tricky bit of rough water, but I'm guessing that it involved the use of chocolate cake as a distraction.  Even as a young 'un, I was easily appeased by chocolate cake.  

I never got that sister.  If my own parents weren't going to do anything about this, I supposed I'd have to learn to live without or find another way.  I'm certain that I am not the only one who has had to live with this dilemma.  It is for you that I offer up this simple guide (in 7 acts) for getting yourself an Instant Sister.  I hope you find it helpful.

Act One:  Wait forty something years.  I realize that this seems a bit lengthy, but if you use your time to learn knitting or something you can fill the days nicely.

Act Two:  On a June night in 2007, whilst sitting in lawn chairs in the chill of a spring evening, chat with Baby Brother's Girlfriend Who We Like.  She will share some news and there will be talk of rings.  At this point, you should squeal happily and quickly agree to participate in the coming nuptials.  Then you will have to focus on other matters because you are all there to raise money for cancer research by participating in an all-night relay.  You maybe also have just a wee bit of pneumonia and need to conserve your strength for walking around the track and keeping warm.  This does not diminish the happiness, though

Act Three:  By now you should be somewhere in the vicinity of October, 2008.  You will participate in any number of celebratory activities from bridal showers to bridesmaid dress fittings.  The number of phone calls, both incoming and outgoing, will increase astronomically.  The month will end with your picking up your skirt from the bridal shop and heading over to the church where you will rehearse walking without falling down and not teasing your baby brother.  You will also be confronted by the Best Man who, having known your family since before recorded history, would like to remind you of that time in a Salt Lake City bar where you supposedly consumed an impressive number of Long Island Iced Teas.  This, allegedly, was followed by your having pierced his ear for him with a safety pin.

Note:  I would like to state clearly and for the record that I find this whole story highly suspect.  While I will admit that there is a certain fuzzy quality to the whole night, I maintain that there is absolutely no way that a human being can consume the number of Long Island Iced Teas that Mr. Best Man is crediting to me.  Or that he beat me by one.  There would certainly have been a need for medical intervention of some sort.  In fact, it think it is far more likely that we all had nice glasses of warm milk that evening and, made drowsy by these wholesome beverages, dozed off by 8:00.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it...

Where was I?  Oh yeah.  Act Four:  November the first arrives.  You will arise early, driven by the realization that you really have to start thinking about your hair.  People have been talking to you about your hair and what you are going to do with it for five months.  The World's Greatest Stylist And Life Coach is out of town and you are on your own with this.  As the hair conversations have gotten a bit more pointed with the passing of the months, it seems rather vital that you come up with something...anything, really.  The solution to this problem will involve setting the curling iron on high, applying it to your hair until you smell smoke then releasing it.  Then it will need to be lacquered firmly into place.  Hair that moves is not Bridesmaid Hair.  Check your manual.  You will see that I am right on this one.

Next, you must deal with your Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty.  He does not like it when you leave him behind.  He would rather you take him along.  You must explain to him that, while he is certainly your Best Boy, he is not the Best Man.  He must be told firmly that he will be staying home for the day.

Iz no fair.  I haz rented tux 'n ever-thin'...

Act Five:  Repair to Future Sister In Law's house for the final preparations.  You will take one deep breath, the last you will be able to take for many hours, and strap yourself into your now-correctly hemmed dress:

It's wrinkled because this is an "after" shot.  As in "after I left the wedding and stuffed it into my bag so I could drive home."  But you get the idea...

You will buckle up your matching shoes and remember to use a little sandpaper on the bottom of them so you don't go skating down the aisle:

They hurt, but they are cute.  Hence, we forgive them.

Act Six:  With a final (and sort of breathless) prayer of thanks to the makers of No Nonsense Great Shapes panty hose, you shimmy your satiny self into a limo with the rest of the bridesmaids and make your way back to the church.  There, you will be put in charge of all things Bow And Pin Related.  You have been in one or two weddings before this.  No one can tie a bow or pin on a boutonniere like you can, after all.  Shortly after these duties are performed, the bride will arrive, the music will start and you will take a short walk.  

"Short" being a good thing, because your shoes will be pinching horribly by now.  On the other hand, you should be grateful because you went with the lower heel and the other bridesmaids are suffering more than you are at this point in their loftier versions of the shoe.  

Act Seven:  A few words are said, some promises made and one or two tears are shed.  There is a kiss, a little more music and another short walk on the arm of a tuxedo-clad gentleman.  And, just like that...you finally have that sister you've always wanted!  

And you even get chocolate cake!

Love you Baby Brother Sheep and I couldn't have been more proud of you.  Thanks for my new sister!

SA