Sunday, November 25, 2007

HM+RM=HHM

It is the night before the start of The Sheep's workweek.  She has been enjoying a respite from her teaching duties for five days now, but is attempting to get herself together for her more professional obligations.  The more useful half of her brain (AKA Rational Mind) is busily contemplating the disbursement of Friday's paycheck and who amongst her creditors is most deserving of payment this month.  Suddenly, she hears a ululating shriek.  This can only mean one thing:  Hysterical Mind has yet another bee in her bonnet and all Rational Thought must be set aside until she can be soothed.

Rational Mind:  What on earth is the matter?  You're like a banshee, for heaven's sake!  Stop that hooting this instant!  Do you want the neighbors to start asking questions again?

Hysterical Mind:  (blubbering slightly, but no longer howling) This is bad.  Very, very bad.  In fact, it is the most baddest things have ever gotten.  Look!!!

RM:  "Most baddest," you say?  I've heard that one before.  You're always...why are our jeans unbuttoned???  We look ridiculous.  Fasten those up.  Now!  

HM:  (becoming shrill again) That's the problem!  I c-c-caaaaaaaa't!!!!!!!

RM:  Oh, for crying out loud!  We know how to button.  Lemme see that.  You just...hmm.  We seem to be a bit short on fabric here.  Not a problem...we'll just give it more of a tug.  OK.  That didn't seem to work.  Maybe if you grab one side and I take the other...suck it in, will you?

HM:  I am sucking!  Nothing is moving!  This is what I am trying to tell you!!!  They won't button!

RM:  That's ridiculous.  I distinctly recall buttoning them just last Wednesday.  They have to button.  Did you dry these on the "high" setting?

HM:  Nooooo!!!  Don't you get it?  They. Don't. Fit.  We have mutated!  Worse, we seem to have inflated!!!  This is a disaster of epic proportions and I'd appreciate it if you would take this seriously!!!!

RM gives the jeans a final tug without success.  She looks up and meets HM's eyes.  There is silence for a moment as they both arrive at a deep and horrific understanding.  They then begin to shriek together in a disturbing sort of harmony.  RM recovers first.

RM:  Shut up, shut up...I need to think.  There has to be a logical solution, here.  But what?  Let's have another look.

HM:  I can't.  It's too horrible!  

RM:  I think I see the problem.  See that stuff that's spilling out over the waistband?  The lumpy stuff?  That's our tummy!  And it looks like stuffing!  I do believe that we are full of Thanksgiving stuffing!  We've exceeded the recommended bodily capacity for stuffing consumption and have had to bring in extra storage units.  

HM:  Nope.  I'm pretty sure we've mutated...

RM:  You're in denial.  Go check the leftover stuffing supply.  I think you'll find that it is small.  Which is why we are not.

HM:  I'd rather be mutated.  Seriously...can't we just be mutated?

RM:  We need to face the facts.  We have attempted to eat our own weight in leftovers this week.  Which, if you think about it, is highly illogical.  The more you eat, the more you weigh so you really just go into this whole "endless loop" sort of situation.  But, I digress.  We need to take a firm approach to this matter.  You know what we need to do.

HM:  No!  No!  Not that!  Anything but that!!!

RM:  I'm afraid so, dear HM.  We must...go on a diet.  I know, I know.  It's a hard thing to contemplate.  But it must be done.  Now, let's head over to the fridge and see what we have in there with twenty calories or less.  A couple of weeks of celery salad with water dressing on the side and we'll be as good as new!  

HM:  I hear they've made some pretty good progress in the field of fat-removal surgery lately.  Maybe if we just call...

RM:  Celery.  Water.  Maybe the occasional rice cake as a special treat on Fridays.  That's it.  No surgery.  

HM:  That's no fun.  

RM:  Don't blame me.  Blame the stuffing.  

HM:  Stupid stuffing...


I suppose this isn't much of a surprise, really.  When the only exercise a body's had for days on end is sock knitting and refrigerator opening, it is reasonable to expect that body to expand a bit.  But, it is always a rather unpleasant realization and one that leads to lengthy speeches to one's self about how one needs to "buckle down" and "eat sensibly."  There are also many hours devoted to devising new work-out routines involving the lifting of massive weights and miles of cycling.  These promises are never really lived up to.  But, I'm sure I'll find some sort of happy medium.  It'll be an adjustment, though.  These last few days of stuffing stuffing into my gullet have been happy ones.  But, one can't live in a stuffing paradise forever. Well, I suppose one can.  But one will need to buy new jeans and, with the holidays looming, one needs to earmark funds for gift-giving rather than swathing the newly stuffing enhanced tummy.

I agree with HM on this one.  Some sort of medically treatable mutation would have been preferable.  Stupid stuffing...

I didn't mean that.  I love the stuffing.  I really, really do!  And I shall miss it terribly.

SA

23 comments:

KreativeMix said...

LOL!!!!! witty and hilarious.

Mouse said...

I'd just buy new jeans and continue to eat stuffing.. personally.

Knitting Linguist said...

I hate it when the foodstuffs turn on you like that -- there you give them a nice cozy home and they take up all available space and then some. Ungrateful, that's what it is, ungrateful. But so yummy...

Diana said...

I agree with Mouse, 100%!

trek said...

But the stuffing is all gone now and it no longer looms on the refrigerator horizon. So things are actually looking up.

Just keep telling HM that and RM might just maintain her sanity.

Beth said...

I feel your pain. I got on the scale this morning and it wasn't pretty. The little bike is coming out of the closet...

Marianne said...

'"Days of Wine and Roses' gots nothin' on "Days of Stuffing Leftovers"... nada.'

...ahem...cough... don't you have some comfy sweats to wear for a couple of days?... just askin'...

Donna Lee said...

I am afraid to try on my work clothes. I have been living in sweat pants since Thursday. I know I ate more pie and stuffing than I should. But it was good and the sweat pants are so stretchy. Now if I could convince the powers-that-be to ignore the sweatpants I might have to wear to work, I'd be fine.

Julie said...

I'm with ya; it's time for a diet over here too! Actually, it's been time for a diet over here for quite some time!

Denise said...

I was really hoping the story ended with the discovery that it was indeed some medical mutation easily remedied by a prescription medication of some sort.

I have been living in 'comfy' clothing since last Wednesday and am a bit afraid of what terrifying discovery is awaiting me tomorrow morning as I don more work appropriate clothing.

your sister in stuffing...(both the edible type and the activity now related to getting dressed)

Em said...

"When good foods go bad" would be such a great headline. Stuffing is the best part of the holiday, and you can't resist leftovers. You just can't. Have you thought about buying some highly professional-looking drawstring pants and a fashionable tunic-length sweater? That look should get you through til normal bodymass is re-established.

Rabbitch said...

long flowing skirts with elastic waistbands are the answer here.

And they're cheap.

Kath said...

I only have two things to say here:

1. drawstrings
2. elastic

That is all.

Teri S. said...

I hear you, Sheepie. I've been avoiding anything with a waistband since Friday. I'll be facing the work wardrobe with trepidation tomorrow morning, but I do have one skirt with elastic in it. Do you think anyone would notice if I wore it all week?

kmkat said...

I'm thinking maybe you need to hibernate in the condo for, oh, say, about a week. Then you may emerge all svelte and slim. btw, you might need to divest yourself of any remaining stuffing and/or pie and/or chocolate first. Just sayin'...

Mel said...

So Rabbitch and I were discussing this dilemma. I like her elastic waistband skirt idea, but I thought it would be even more economical and crafty if you fashioned one out of your underwear surplus. She suggests stapling them together, which I think is a marvelous idea. And just think, it'll leave some room in that drawer for more underwear.

Mia said...

oh sheepie :) This post was a classic in sheepie funny. One of your best! I did get a little nervous when you started talking about the celery and rice diet.. but I'm sure saner minds will prevail. Eventually.

.. most baddest. heheheheheheheheh

the sheep, she IS a funny girl :)

Mia said...

OH, and I totally agree with Mel. ::laughing:: total genius.

Anne said...

Long flowing DRESSES are the way to go here--no waistband at all , and you can wear leggings underneath if it ever gets cold (which currently I doubt, but you never know in NE). The Bean's clearance catalog is often a great place to find such things as I am sure you already know.

Anything to keep eating stuffing.

Anonymous said...

I hope you had something to wear to work. I wouldn't want to hear about a certain sheep frightening the children.
Karen
http://nothingbutknit.blog-city.com/

Helen said...

Perhaps it was YOUR conversation I heard in the shower yesterday as I was making all these rash promises to myself about watching my calories getting to the gym every day from now 'til the Holiday Guests arrive....
Who put that extra stuff around my middle? I didn't even EAT stuffing.
.
.
(shh, we're not talking about brownies just now).

Cursing Mama said...

screw healthy eating - I'm buying more aggressive undergarments.

Susan Pandorf said...

I hear you! And to top it all off, to add insult to injury, to provide the icing on the cake...

WAIT A MINUTE! I ate the icing on the cake.

I also ate the leftover apple pie, the leftover pumpkin pie (What left over pumpkin pie?) and the leftover Halloween candy is somewhere in the vicinity.

And here comes Christmas with the roast beast and all that.

Face it, RM.

We're doomed...

Oh well, blessings anyway!