Saturday, November 21, 2009

Hysterically In Real Life

When I want to demonstrate my tendencies towards overly dramatic interpretations on the blog, it is a simple enough thing. I just bust out Hysterical Mind And Rational Mind. I first introduced them years ago when I was being tested for TB. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about having to wear black all the time and how much trouble it was going to be when I had to pack up and move into a drafty garret. I figured I could manage writing the angst-filled poetry but I wasn't sure I could make a living at it. In spite of every single rational fiber of my being screaming facts and figures to the contrary, I just kept going to the Dark Side.

I wrote a post about those two factions battling it out and the rest is history. Every time I need to share some ridiculous reaction I'm having, HM is the girl for the job. A typical conversation goes like this:

Hysterical Mind: I've decided to move us to a Clean Room. Here's a list of the stuff we need. I know how much you like organizing and packing stuff so why don't you handle that while I update our Facebook status, 'kay?

Rational Mind: I am not moving to a Clean Room. Why don't we just tidy up around here and call it a day?

HM: That is not enough! Tidying? In the face of the dreaded H1N1??? Are you mad, woman? This is the time of biblical plague and you are suggesting a once over with the dust mop?

RM: OK. I'll use the disinfectant spray. We'll be fine. We just need to wash our hands, keep up healthy habits and use a little common sense. You need to relax.

HM: Oh. My. God. Have we met? Do we need to have this conversation every single time a plague busts a move? We will NOT be fine. We have had no flu shot. We aren't going to get a flu shot. I'll say it slowly so you can understand.!!!

RM: I half think you enjoy this...

HM: That is beside the point.

That's how it looks on the blog. In real life, most people have no idea they are dealing with HM. They just think it's silly ol' Sheepie making a funny in a bad situation. That or they think they can use logic to talk me off the ledge. People are so innocent and sweet in their belief that crazy is something you read about in books or see on the news. It is all around us. At least it is if I happen to be in the room.

First Actual Hysterical Moment:

Sheepish Annie: Hello, Mrs. School Nurse.

Mrs. School Nurse: (sighing) Hello, Ms. Sheep. What now?

SA: Um...I just wanted to tell you something before you went in to do that flu shot clinic for the children. There was this kid out there in the hallway and he said I could have his flu shot. He was really nice about it. He said I was a gift to the school and that he thought I should be preserved for all time. And that he couldn't get his shot because he had a cold. And that it was against his religion. Yeah...religion. And a cold.

MSN: Really?

SA: Yes. It was a kid but I don't know his name. You'd recognize him. He has hair...and don't need to ask him about it. He was cool with my getting his shot.

MSN: You are getting better at this, you know.

SA: Thank you.

I did not get a flu shot. Mrs. School Nurse is a sharp one and not fooled for an instant by even the craftiest of ploys.

Second Actual Hysterical Moment:

(Ms. Sheep needs to ask Mr. Assistant Principal a question. He is in his office for the first time all week after being stricken by the flu. He is clearly still sick, but being a trouper about it)

Mr. Assistant Principal: Ms. Sheep? Come on in.

Ms. Sheep: (remaining in the doorway) I'm good right here, thanks.

(She asks her question, he answers it. As he is speaking, MS is mumbling to herself)

MS: please-don-t-be-contagious-please-don't-be-contagious...

MAP: What's that?

MS: Um...I said, "Please don't be contagious." Sorry. I'm a little freaked out by the flu.

MAP: I'm not contagious. I wouldn't be here if I was.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: No, I wouldn't.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: No, I wouldn't.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: OK. I would. But I'm not.

(Ms. Sheep flees the office and goes to find the school nurse to demand that she make Mr. Assistant Principal go home.)

There are many more examples. Just yesterday I was perusing the Maine CDC site and gathering all sorts of new information with which to entertain and educate my staff. I think they enjoy my weekly flu seminars.

Cheerful Teaching Assistant: You really should stop reading that stuff. You are just freaking yourself out.

Ms. Sheep: I'm being prepared! Knowledge is power! Plus, I thought you'd want to know...

CTA: I actually don't want to know. And I half think you enjoy all this.

MS: That is beside the point.

You do what you can. For myself, I'm washing my hands and only half serious about moving to a Clean Room. I've also found some nice yarn for a new pair of mitts. Last year's hand warmers have been retired after valiant service and part of staying healthy is keeping warm on cold winter days. I thought that the yarn I picked up at the craft show back in September might work nicely

Artsy shot I envisioned for the blog.

The feline-based reality in which I live.

I like to think that the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty was giving the yarn his stamp of approval. The fact that he logged into my Hulu account with that paw stamp is probably a coincidence. I think I need to believe that rather than the alternative.

HM would not do well if she knew she might get the flu and be stuck at home with a cat who controls the viewing options.



trek said...

Welcome back HM! I missed you. Perhaps RM was okay with your lengthy absence from cyberspace (I know that you were training for the Coming Apocalypse and disinfectiong all hard surfaces with a dilute solution of bleach) but I missed you.

Georgi said...

Its good that you have AGK to help you through life. He will guarantee that you don't get the flu :-)

Jeanne said...

If they can infuse yarn with hand lotion and aloe, surely they can figure out a way to infuse yarn with anti-bacterial properties. That's the solution. Then knit a full-body suit from it.

Kath said...

I have a tendency towards a runny nose whenever I'm cold, even if I'm completely healthy. The store I work in gets freezing some nights and I wonder if my non-stop sniveling freaks out the customers a bit?

Karen said...

Have they full thought through the giving of flu shots to the children and not the teachers? What's going to happen when all the teachers are out with the flu and the kids are running the school? Oops! Better not mention that to HM.

Beth said...

"The feline-based reality in which I live" - very funny! Pretty yarn.