Confession Strategies

There are so very many ways to go about making a confession. It can get tricky when you try to throw a little justification into the mix. It is usually better to leave that step out. How often does it really work, anyway? But that has never stopped me from giving it a shot. For example, I will often attempt to sway my listeners with logic:

This is back to school shopping time. I will require any number of practical items for use and wear over the next ten months in order that I might be best prepared to educate the young minds of this great country. I have sworn off yarn purchases in order that I might make this sacrifice for the greater good. It had to be done. You may now look suitably impressed.

It is highly likely, though, that you will not be impressed with this rather grandly made statement. You will probably be able to come up with no fewer than 47 arguments which completely contradict the loose logic from which I crafted this speech. This will force me to switch gears and attempt to play the Gender Stereotypes Card:

I am a girl. There is a great deal of scientific evidence to support my being utterly incapable of resisting certain purchases. Rather than judging me, would not your time be better spent offering me words of encouragement for my attempts at resisting, however futile? Perhaps we could all band together and form some sort of foundation to further study the matter? This would mean that we could all go hang out at the mall and that would be fun. And, if it's in the interest of scientific study, then I'm pretty sure we could get a tax deduction out of it. Come, my brothers and sisters! Let us sally forth and make the world a better place through the study of shopping patterns!!!

If I raise my voice volume enough and include some grand, sweeping gestures, I could probably distract you for a minute with that one. But, I fear that you would quickly see through the ruse. We would be right back where we started in the confessional process only now you would be ready to speed dial local authorities or anyone else who might be in possession of a large butterfly net. I will have no choice but to bring out The Big Guns. I'm goin' for the pity:

I am a woman alone in this world! Sure, my finances are my own and, without the prospect of paying tuition or assisting with wedding costs for my offspring, I am free to spend my dollars as I wish. But I face an uncertain future! I depend upon naught but the karmic roll of the dice to determine whether my golden years are spent chasing cabana boys at the retirement home in the tropics or ending up in a place simply called The Facility while disenfranchised nursing assistants take out their frustrations in life on me by force feeding me spinach. I'll bet they don't even have a decent candy machine in the lobby. Or, if they do, it will require exact change and I never have that. Would you deny me this little bit of happiness while I can enjoy it? Should I spend my twilight years regretting that I did not reach out and grab life in great, joyous handfuls? I suppose if that is your wish, then I must reconsider my fiscal decisions. You are, after all, so very wise and good. But, could you find it in your heart to give a future old lady (perhaps not unlike your dear maiden auntie) license for just a little bit of excess in the interest of happiness?

This has no hope whatsoever of swaying you and I know it. It is beneath us both. I shan't go there. I will take the high road. It is a good and noble path. I'll just say it:

The Crocs Maryjane shoe comes in a flower pattern. I was powerless before them. It did not matter that I just bought the purple ones. It simply didn't matter.

Well...I suppose I should convey a little of the embarrassment given that I didn't really try all that hard to not buy them. How about this? I'll look you in the eye while I confess, but I'll do it with my head slightly lowered and kind of look up at you. And I'll do that thing where you point the toes inward just a bit. That sort of puts out a "contrite" kind of vibe...







SA