Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Gotta Love A Good Portent

It's been a while since I've done a Portent Post.  The good old fashioned Oh My Goodness There Are Signs All About Us If We'd Only Take Heed kind of thing...  I think I should do another one.  There have been one or two little nudges in that direction if today is any indication.  I think it is time to start obeying the universe now.  And so, without further ado, I give you:

Sheepish Annie's List Of The Most Important Portents.  (subject to change as circumstances dictate because, let's face it, the universe is a bit on the capricious side these days)

Portent #1:  When you wake up at 4:45 on a Tuesday morning and are confronted with a brown, dotted line winding its way from your bedroom door and all about the manse, you can be assured this is not a good start to the day.  Furthermore, it should be noted that just because something strongly resembles the dotted line on a treasure map doesn't mean you are going to find something of great value at the other end.

Good thing he's cute.  Because he is not what I found at the other end, but there was a definite and recent connection.

Portent #2:  When the start of school suddenly triggers a medication battle on the home front, you are just being naive if you think it isn't going to affect things elsewhere.  It doesn't matter that you fully comprehend the difference between your cats and your students, you are bound to slip at some point.  You are going to be very tired from arguing with an Very Complicated Kitty over the need to take his morning happy pill and you'll probably miss the signs of impending disaster.

That is exactly when a student in your class will refuse to take his medication and instead of telling him you are going to call the "nurse," you will threaten him with the "vet."

No.  I am not kidding.  And yes.  That little Freudian Feline Slip is quite enough to cause an entire classroom to stop functioning and engage in open-mouthed goggling for a full minute.

Portent #3:  I think we all know this, but just to be on the safe side I'll run it by you again.  When you walk into a room full of 7th graders and they all suddenly stop talking in order that they might begin industriously working on their assignments, there is nothing good going on.

Silent and industrious 7th graders are a sign of the apocalypse.  Or worse, by classroom standards.  Take heed and start counting the scissors.

Portent # 4:  Anyone who says they are getting their fall clothes out in September is just asking for trouble.  The minute those words are spoken aloud, the universe will start to churn and gurgle alarmingly.  Then it will suddenly get hot and humid and Ms. Sheep (who may or may not have been the one to voice the stupid thought) will be stuck in a room full of very stinky middle schoolers.

Never talk wardrobe in front of the universe.  Ever.  Or at least remember to check the weather before choosing your outfit.

Portent #5:  There is nothing that bodes disaster like welcoming the Cheerful Teaching Assistant back with cheers and happy little hand waves as she returns from her recent absence.  It sounds like a nice thing to do since she was very sick for a while there and deserves a happy little hand wave.  I miss the CTA when she can't come to school.  I miss her level head in a crisis and her ability to take children away from me when I start to look a little homicidal around lunchtime.

But that kind of welcome is a portent.  It doesn't seem like it, but it really is.  It is an instant one, too.  You won't even have a half a hand flap worked up before her backpack will catch on the mini blinds and she will be stuck at the window for ten minutes while we figure out a way to extricate her and still save the blinds from being dragged to the floor.

I wouldn't care about the blinds so much but she was going to have to go home sometime and I wasn't sure they'd fit in her car.

Language Arts class sort of didn't go as planned today.  I had to pull together a meeting of the minds since I couldn't get the poor girl loose by myself.  Class was cancelled while we all grappled with the dilemma.  The CTA was almost able to look everyone in the eye by dismissal time...

Portent # 6:  If, by now, you haven't realized that things are rapidly devolving, then there is really very little help for you.  It is highly likely that you are going to walk up to the literacy specialist and make a joke about her not testing the 6th graders like she was supposed to today.  You won't mean anything by it but I promise you that there will be ten witnesses there to hear her announce that she is pregnant and miserable and that this is why she failed to follow through with the testing schedule.  She will find the whole thing kind of funny because she is that kind of person, but you will still look like a jerk in front of all the people who fail to understand the sense of humor you share with the poor pregnant literacy specialist.

And you deserve it because it is 3:30 and you've been getting signs all day but failed to heed them.  I mean, seriously!  You got an email from the tech person that was in all caps and began with the words, "THE SERVER IS DYING!!  SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR DATA NOW FOR THE END IS NIGH!!!"  If you didn't get the message about this day even after that happened, there is nothing to be done for you.

This is your just desserts, I fear.

Yes...portents.  You gotta watch 'em.  If you don't, you will have a series of events on a Tuesday that defy logic not to mention one's ability to seriously educated the future keepers of this great nation.  And if you fail to see the pattern by 3:30 then you aren't alone.  You have Sheepie to keep you company.

Half the decorative tins stored on the Very High Shelves In The Kitchen somehow found their way onto the floor during the day today...



trek said...

After all of the earthquakes and hurricanes and floods and whatnot, Number Guy says we are due for a plague. Another of the signs of the apocalypse, you see.

He's predicting the coming plague will consist of four crickets and a bee. I'm investing in insecticide and a generator soonest.

Cathy said...

I am afraid to look for portents.

Especially after the blind/backpack episode. Are you sure that wasn't you? Really?

Anonymous said...

I fear to see what the WNBP will bring...

Julia G said...

Aw, just look at that sweet kitty face! I'm afraid the dotted line problem is a common hazard with long-haired kitties. Daily doses of "Hairball Remedy" help - if they won't lick it off your finger, just smear it on a paw and they will lick it off.

I'm all for taking people to vets - my vet is so nice, some days I wish my vet were my doctor. Hope the scissor count works out!