Saturday, October 10, 2009

Go Limber, Go Light

I am generally opposed to zombie movies that make light of the whole nasty matter. I feel that these films will only serve to keep people from realizing the severity of the situation when the impending zombie apocalypse finally does rear its ugly, slavering head. This will be a very serious time, indeed. Do we really need to waste time trying to think up witty banter while the undead shamble towards us?

I'm not without some flexibility on this matter, though. Frankly, we are probably going to need to relearn the art of levity while we puzzle out how to run to the store for a quart of milk without becoming The Catch Of The Day. Hence, I was looking forward seeing the latest in survival cinema: Zombieland.

It did not disappoint. From the brilliantly shot opening sequence featuring super-slow-mo zombie attacks to the final battle fought across an amusement park, Zombieland was beyond awesome. There isn't much beyond awesome. There are black and white cookies. There are long weekends. There are those amazing stretches of lace knitting that flow along seamlessly even if you forgot the lifeline. That's about it.

I especially appreciated the protagonist's reliance on carefully compiled rules to survive in the new world order. When Columbus spoke of things like "cardio" and the importance of checking the backseat, I fairly cheered aloud. Knowing that somewhere out there another human being understands why I always check my exit points brought me near to weeping. I chuckled along with everyone else when he demonstrated how to limber up before investigating the back of a truck but, deep down, I was taking mental notes. I can use that later, I'm certain of it.

I know that some rules will be tough. Traveling light sounds good, but I don't know a single knitter who isn't going to justify dragging along the entire stash. If asked, each will assert that they simply want to ensure having something with which to wile away the hours should they be trapped in a phone booth by ravenous hordes of flesh eaters. That will be a lie. There are no phone booths anymore, at least not enough to make them handy hiding places. Even if there were still places where you might deposit change in return for a few minutes of phone time, they wouldn't be all that secure.

The truth of the matter is that no one will be able to bear the thought of zombie knitters getting their oozy hands on the yarn.

And seatbelts? Columbus and I may agree on the need for this sort of thing at the end of the world, but I doubt that anyone else will. It has long been my belief that, once the dust settles, the majority of deaths will not be zombie related. They will be more along the lines of "stupid." Scraped knees, untreated fevers, and poor driving habits...that's what's gonna get us.

That and random needle pokes because we refuse to drop the socks-in-progress when sprinting is required. It's hard to hear, I know. But I take my role in Zombie Preparedness Training seriously and I must set aside my usual nurturing tendencies in order that you might fully understand the seriousness of this topic.

If nothing else, won't you be embarrassed when you arrive at the pearly gates and find yourself having to explain how you got there? Do you really think that everyone who shuffled off their mortal coils as part of a zombie buffet will be amused to hear that you were undone by your belief that an airbag would be enough? I think they might be a bit miffed at your carelessness!

Zombieland gets a thumbs up, both as a training film and as pure entertainment. Even if you aren't the traditional fan of the genre, I'd still suggest you make the time to see it. Funny? Oh yeah! And if you happen to pick up a few survival tips in the process, so much the better.

I can't wait for this one to make it to dvd so I can include a copy in my growing collection of training films. In the interim, I'll spend some time updating my own "list" and double check the existing rules to see if they still apply. It's a never-ending job, but I do it willingly. You can never be too prepared for the coming zombie apocalypse. That's rule #1.

I have some thoughts on light travel. We could just leave my Absurdly Gi-normous brother behind. It's not because I hate him. It's just good survival thinking is all...



trek said...

That sure is thinking ahead, BFK!

Anonymous said...

I may have to go see it now that you've reviewed it so positively!

Next question: Have you read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? I liked it, but it would be good to have a review of it from a pro like yourself!


=Tamar said...

If you do it right... there is a marathon runner in England who knits while she runs.

Karen said...

I will add it to my queue. I like knowing that it follows the rules. There is nothing worse than a training film/horror movie that doesn't follow the rules.
BFK is right. You don't have to outrun the Zombies, you just have to outrun the slowest member of your group.

Julia G said...

It's a good day when you can stay off the menu at the Zombie Buffet! Thanks for the safety tips-- and I am totally in agreement about the exit points and seat belts, with or without the Zombie Menace. On the other hand, I now do a double-take around suspicious-looking, zombie-harboring dumpsters....

Kath said...

Actually - where I live there is a place with a little row of phone booths. The old-fashioned kind with a little ledge inside to sit. It's close quarters, but I imagine if one had a sock-in-progress, bottle of water, and a few protein bars, that could be an acceptable place to wait out the zombie hordes. Note that I am assuming you keep those three items with you at all times anyway! Just as general emergency preparedness - right?

Knitting Linguist said...

I have been thinking about you every single time I've seen a preview for that movie. I'm glad to hear it's a good one; I'm woefully behind in my preparations (which are on the list right behind "earthquake kit" and "fire preparedness").

Donna Lee said...

I suppose one could just pick the favorite bits of stash and keep them in a backpack. After all, needles can double as weapons in a pinch.

No full phone booths around here, not even those fake half booth things. I often wondered where superman would change.....

Carrie K said...

You can't underestimate the power of the quip. It's vital.

That said, I hadn't thought about zombie knitters touching my yarn. Argh.

BFK - clever strategy!

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