Wednesday, May 09, 2012

WNBP: Contents Under Pressure

It is the time of the year when I do a lot of complaining and annoy a whole bunch of people.  People have the right. I am a hair's breadth away from having the entire summer off and it seems kind of childish to complain about work under those circumstances. But it is also a highly pressurized time of the year, one during which I have a lot to do, very little time in which to do it and a group of middle school students determined to keep me from doing anything but screech.

Fair warning. This post will contain a great deal of pressure-induced complaining. Feel free to skip this week's edition of the Wednesday Night Bullet Post.  I will understand completely.

*It has been raining. Raining + Cranky Middle School Students = Pressure.

*Today, Mr. Assistant Principal came by to share with me his plan for dealing with the umpteenth crisis which arose during this most ridiculous of days.

*For the record, MAP and I have been consulting on a regular basis of late.

*When he finished, I asked him how my request for a mini bar in the classroom was coming along.  It felt like ages since I'd filled out the paperwork, after all.

*He said he'd given it conditional approval based on recent events and saw little opposition from any other quarter.

*He then offered me a sip from the paper cup he was carrying.

*"People think it is coffee," he said with a smile. "People don't have a clue, do they?"

*I'm 97.3% sure he was kidding...

*Yesterday, The Future Farmer (who is wrapping up his 7th grade year in style but not in a good way) asked me the following question:

If you got one free slap per student per week, with full parent permission and no way you could be fired for it, would you use it?

*I said I would not.  Hitting, I reminded him, is wrong and only leads to more physical violence.

*But I'd be lying if I said I didn't hesitate first.

*The FF is one of the reasons I am currently under a great deal of pressure these days.

*I'm still not going to slap him, but it was probably not the best time for him to be asking that question.

*The Siren (who lures all the boys to their doom with her clarion call) has been demanding that I read
The Hunger Games to her in every spare moment.

*I'm good with that.  I really like the book and it is a nice thing to spend time with a student who appreciates it equally.

*Furthermore, she is going to the program at the high school next year and I'd like to leave her with a memory of me that is touching and sweet.

*As opposed to the screeching that she makes me do for the rest of the day.

*She is also contributing to the pressure.

*I had brunch with The World's Greatest Stylist And Life Coach on Sunday.

*There was no pressure there.

*Her husband did the cooking.  He then cleared the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and cheerfully went about the five billion chores she suggested he might want to look into.  He seemed nothing less than thrilled to be doing all this.

*He gazed upon her in utter adoration throughout.

*If I'd known the Husband Package came with that option, I might have considered giving one a test drive...

*He washed the dogs while TWGSALC and I did decoupage.  He thanked me for coming over to play with her since she's still feeling kind of poorly after her spinal surgery a few months ago.

*Again...why didn't anyone put that in the brochure?????  Women should know about this kind of thing before they decide marriage is a restrictive state and not something to be endured unless there is a need for quick cash.

*I came home after this rainy, pressure-filled, no-mini-bar-yet day and decided to wash the horror from my face.

*I felt better after that, but my glasses were missing.

*There are a great many logistical issues involved with finding missing glasses.  Especially when you need glasses to see where your glasses are.

*Glasses were in the living room.

*I know what you are thinking: Silly Sheepie!  Leaving her glasses in the living room like that.  Surely she is having the worst of Middle Aged Moments these days!

*Not so.

*Even if I were capable of wandering The Manse without my spectacles, I probably wouldn't have left them in the middle of the living room floor.

*Furthermore, the teeth marks all over them lead me to believe that there is really only one suspect.

*Very Complicated Kitties like to chew things.

*Very Complicated Kitties are pretty quick for their size.

*Very Complicated Kitties can steal your glasses and eat them in a flash.

*Don't say I didn't warn you.  Frankly, I should have been more careful.  The cat has eaten everything else of a non-food nature in the house, ranging from the wallpaper to my printer.  Why should I have expected my glasses to be any different?

*He's chewed the bow on the right hand side to the point where it is pricking my ears dreadfully.

*I am going to think of this as VCK Kisses that I can feel all day long.

*It is that or bill him for replacing the glasses and I don't think I'm going to get too far with that.

*The Classroom Mini Bar seems more likely at this point...

*Today, we discovered that Little Einstein had smuggled the following in his book bag:

One set of free weights

One set of leg weights

One sixteen pound bowling ball

Another sixteen pound bowling ball

A fully stocked box of fishing tackle, complete with live worms.

*LE weighs eighty pounds soaking wet.  Don't ask me how he did this.

*I think he is shorter now...

*I felt I deserved spaghetti-os for dinner tonight.  When I went to nuke them, I found a spider in the microwave.

*This begs several questions.

*How did the spider get in the microwave?  It was a very, very BIG spider.

*Did he sneak in when it was open?

*If not, should I be concerned about the level of radiation I absorbed during the heating of my dinner?

*If he's been in there a while, should I be worried?

*If he bites me, will I develop super powers?

*That could be kind of cool, but I am afraid of heights and I see no way in this world I am going to be swinging around from the rooftops and stopping crime.

*Frankly, my being tapped as the next Spider-Based Superhero would be a waste of perfectly good super powers.

*The spider is no longer in the microwave, but he got away before I could smoosh him.

*There is a gigantic, possibly irradiated spider somewhere in my kitchen.

*Between that and my VCK-Kissed Glasses, I am under as much pressure here as I am at school!

*Not reading much of anything new.  Just re-reading some stuff.

*But I am listening to Beautiful Creatures (Beautiful Creatures, Book 1) during the daily commute.

*The reader isn't the most talented I've heard, but you get used to it after a while.  And the story is really quite compelling.

*Not too far into it yet, but I think you'd like it if you are into that sort of thing.  I'll certainly check out the others in the series.

*It takes my mind off the pressure, you see...

Yeah.  Pressure is the word of the day here.  I guess I should just look at the positives and smile until I feel it for real.  The students who are creating the worst of the drama are really only mine for another month or so and then they will move on to the high school.  The glasses still work and the spider stayed out of my way so I could enjoy my little rings of pasta in fluorescent sauce.  I haven't grown a third eyeball yet either so the microwave hasn't had any obviously negative effects.  These are all good things.

And tomorrow is Thursday.  It is really only a matter of time before someone dumps a weekend on me.  Surely that will be less pressurized.  Right?




trek said...

Weekends should be a pressure-free zone. Good luck, Sheepie!

Donna Lee said...

I tried to listen to Beautiful Creatures but didn't get very far. I wasn't in the mood for it and it didn't hook me in. Try The Night Circus (Erin Morgenstein). It's different and very entertaining and full of magic.

kmkat said...

Back when Smokey was a school nurse one of his principals (he nursed at 4 schools) went trick-or-treating every year with a shot glass. You might try keeping such a glass handy -- just in case.

Hang in there, weekend is only hours away. Well, 36 hours now but that is still just hours...

Anonymous said...

Think of all of that great sea food at the Clambake on Sunday! DS

Julia G said...

Are you sure Little Einstein didn't have a hovercraft stowed away in that book bag? Mr. TWGSALC sounds awesome! He raises the bar for all of us.

And I can easily believe the VCK's kleptomania - maybe a nice fine grit sandpaper would take off the rough edges?