Sunday, August 15, 2010

Very Important Research

Yes, it's been a busy summer.  I've had lots and lots to do, but I still made time for a very important study.  This is the sort of research that can change lives.  I'm dedicated to the betterment of humanity, after all.

Having recently acquired a Very Complicated Kitty, I was presented with a unique opportunity to assess the one quality that most cats have to varying degrees, but which is often left unmeasured.  I am, of course, refering to Flumpability.

For those of you who do not happen to have cats, I shall explain.  Flumpability is a cat's willingness to be Flumped in a variety of locations and for differing purposes.  Flumping, as you probably already know, is the act of picking up the cat, transferring him to the desired spot and depositing him gently but never on his feet.  Flumping facilitates many daily activities ranging from belly rubbing, snuggling, making room for vacuuming and checking for fleas.  In my household, cats are flumped for napping.  I like to nap with a cat, but it's not worth it if the feline in question is not Flumpable.

As with any other measurable behavior, a rating scale must be used for recording.  This we refer to as the Flumpability Scale.  A 0 means that the cat is completely averse to being Flumped.  Don't go there.  A score of 10 reflects a cat who is quite skilled in the art of the Flump.  Cats will fall anywhere within this range.  Unless you are me and then you will make adjustments as needed because what's the point in making up scientific stuff if you can't play with it a little bit?

A non-Flumpable cat is not necessarily a bad thing.  Cats have many other qualities and it is guaranteed that their other strengths will more than make up for a lack of Flumpage.  However, it is good to know ahead of time where your cat stands of the F-scale.  It can save you a nasty bout of...repercussions.  A few weeks of diligent study and you can easily plan your life (and naps) around your cat's Flump Status.

For example, the Smaller, Less Fluffy Kitty was a -4 on the F-scale.  Flumping was beneath her.  She was very clear about this.  On the other hand, the Big, Fluffy Kitty was a 14.  She was a people pleaser and liked nothing better than to be Flumped at the whim of her humans.  In fact, I think that the majority of her travel throughout the manse was courtesy of random Flumping.

The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty is a 5.  He is Flumpable under certain circumstances, but is unlikely to stay where he's been Flumped.  Frankly, he's more of a Self-Flumper.  He likes to toddler over and Flump himself on my feet.  Sometimes I can Flump him for belly rubs but that is usually right before dinner time when he is humoring me.

I have been studying the VCK for several weeks now to determine where he falls on the F-scale.  This has required that I spend a great deal of time napping, but I'm willing to do my part for science.  We've been napping at different times of the day and retrieving the cat from a variety of locations for the purpose of Flumping to see how he responds to the Lift-Lug-Flump experience.  I believe that I now have enough data to assign him his official number.

The Very Complicated Kitty is a firm 8 on the F-scale.  He is generally quite open to being Flumped, however he is more likely to accept it when he has already been napping in the recliner.  Once transferred to the sofa and Flumped into place, he will remain in the Flumped state for the duration of the nap.  He does not care for Flumping during the hours when he is scheduled for play or eating.  Oddly, he is also not Flumpable at bed time.

This leads me to believe that he is spending the unsupervised night hours playing online poker, but I kind of hate to think about that for too long....

I'm pleased with his score, overall.  I have missed having a nappin' kitty and it's good to know that the VCK is so high on the F-scale.  Flumpability isn't everything when it comes to cats, but it's awfully nice when it's an option.

There are other benefits to cats who are well-versed in the Art Of The Flump.  Overall, they tend to be more open to indulging their humans.


For example, they will pose with a freshly knit dishcloth and hardly seem bothered by it at all.


When I tried this with the AGK, he attacked the hapless dishcloth.  After I snatched it away from his killer claws, he proceeded to merrily bat at the camera straps until I gave up in disgust.  Knitting is best photographed with cats who rate a bit higher on the F-scale.  That's another little bit of research I've tucked away for future reference.

To those who think I've spent my summer vacation days lazing about, I hope that you now realize this was not the case.  Not at all.  I've been doing careful and precise research and probably will be getting an award any day now for my sacrifices in the name of science.  Others might rest on their laurels after such an intellectual triumph.  Not I.

Next, I think I shall tackle the problem of eating ice cream in bed.  I think we all know how badly that can go.  This is an area fairly crying out for the intervention of a scientific mind!

SA

13 comments:

Jeanne said...

Snorted out loud at the term Flumpable. Most of my cats will go upside down, but I'm not sure where they'd rate on the F-scale. Ophelia is probably a 14, or was in her younger days. At the ripe old age of almost 16, she protests when I attempt flumping or any maneuver that dislodges her quickly. Blue may have a good F-rating. I don't call him my noodle for nothing.

Love the dishcloth. I think I hear some yarn calling...

trek said...

And it is onomatopoeic : flump!

Mia said...

The only flumping that happens around here is when velcro kitty snuggles an flumps herself as close to me as she can... that part is pretty cool, although a little too often for my liking.

Otherwise.. if she's in MY spot on the couch.. I just say MOVE! ::laughing:: A girl can hurt herself flumping those size cats around :))

Gracey is not my name.... said...

That is very important research. I thought of you and your kitties today. I was at an art sow and bought a photo of a kitty that made me laugh everytime I saw it. It's and orange and white kitty...

Beth said...

Thank goodness you were willing to sacrifice for this important research! Now do you want to borrow my dog for another study on canines?

kmkat said...

Flumping is important to me, too. Our two current cats -- and the previous one -- are/were all quite flumpable, somewhere in the 7 - 9 range. Another quality I value highly is a cat's ability to adapt to being hugged like a teddy bear when I go to sleep. I am happy to report that 4 of the last 6 cats we have had are/were all amenable to teddybear-like hugging.

Mouse said...

My cats are (sadly) both on the low to negative end of the Flumpability Scale..

Cathy said...

This also goes along with "is the cat gonna let Sophie carry it around?"

At this time none of my 6 cats are kid-packable.

Good thing school is going to intervene for us. You know, we'd all come right over to intervene but would get lost in the experiment. (Ice cream here? Or ice cream there? Flump here? Flump there).

Knitting Linguist said...

I see a Nobel Prize in your future. I miss having a cat who scores high on the Flumpable scale, myself. I used to have a 12, but now I've got one 0, and one who won't even let us pet her, so there you go.

Good luck with that ice cream research -- I await your results with bated breath!

Julia G said...

Just wait till the winter when you can test the VCK's Flumpability rating on the Blumfy! Luckily his online poker winners can offset the cost of his prescription cat food....

Harme said...

Next topic possible, the top-ability of cat. When we tickle/massage our cat with two fingers from head to tail along the spine, halfway he curves his behind up to the hand but when you reach the base of the tail he always drops sideways. This doesn't occur with our neighbours kitty.

Donna Lee said...

Calvin was my flumpy cat. He would have scored quite high but he's gone and I'm stuck with Hobbes who is the anti-flump. He resists all efforts to flump. He doesn't even flump on his own.

Kath said...

Sadly on the F-scale my cats register at 0 and -10. But they have many other fine qualities. I think.