WNBP: Don't Mind Me. Seriously. Question Everything.

It seems that when I miss a week of blogging, it is cause for concern.  I suppose this makes sense, given that I have been fairly regular since I switched from the 6-days-per-week format to the current once-weekly version.  But I honestly didn't give it much thought last week when, after a day of shopping for party supplies with The World's Greatest Stylist And Life Coach, I was too spent to do much of anything, let alone compose intelligent sentences.

I probably should have guessed that my parents would be contacted...

My initial reaction was one of humorous dismissal.  "That's nice," I said with a chuckle, "but I'm pretty sure I've got things under control over here.  No need to push the panic button just because I took one night off!"

I've since had cause to rescind that statement.  In fact, I now believe that everyone should question everything I do rather carefully.  Furthermore, if I cannot be located for more than an hour's time, a search party should be assembled post haste.  I am, no doubt, at the bottom of a well or attempting to coax a rabid raccoon into a box so I can keep him as a pet.

At no time should it be assumed that I know what I am doing.  Ever.  Even if I say I know what I am doing, don't be fooled.  I don't.

Here is this week's Wednesday Night Bullet Post, on schedule except for the part where I lost track of time and started it a bit late:

*I somehow lost track of July.  I do that sometimes, lose track of days, weeks...yes, even entire months.

*I remember doing stuff.  I recall afternoon naps.  I know I celebrated Independence Day.  

*But it all kind of blurred together and suddenly, without warning...

*It was the last week of summer vacation!!!!

*That one hit hard.  I thought I had more time.  Worse, I still hadn't been in to school to set up the classroom and organize any of those Very Important Files Without Which No Learning Can Commence.

*I hate going in to school during the last week of vacation.  I prefer to get it done during the second to last week so I can use the final days to mope around properly.

*Somehow, I missed that window.  This irked me.

*Worse, I'd scheduled appointments!  What was I thinking?????

*I overslept yesterday.  It was only by an hour or so, but that isn't tolerated around here.

*I now need to add Shampoo The Living Room Carpet Again to the list of stuff that I need to get done before school starts.

*My feline overlords are generally benevolent dictators.

*Not so much when breakfast is late, though.

*I went in to school yesterday after doing some spot cleaning on the carpet.  

*I took poop on the carpet as a sign.  You don't ignore signs.  Clearly, I needed to get myself back on schedule.

*I planned on a two hour marathon.  Work it hard and get 'er done!  Home by noon!  

*Napping by 1:00...

*Oversleeping and having to spot clean poop out of the carpet kind of puts a damper on schedules.

*Nor is it reasonable to think that an entire classroom, plus filing, can be assembled logically in two hours.

*It also cannot be done in three hours, but that was all I had in me.  It was hot and the posters kept sliding off the walls.

*Had I done this last week, it would have been much easier.  It was far less humid.

*Why, oh why did I put this off until the last week of vacation?  How could I have been so stupid?  How does one lose an entire week???????

*And, believe me, I said this to anyone who would listen.  Which wasn't very many people since the school isn't actually open yet, but I made the effort.  I hunted down individuals to whom I might air my complaints.

*However, it was nice to add that the room was pretty much done and that I was ready to start next week.

*As much as I'm not really ready...

*I finally straightened out my online banking issues.

*And, by "online banking issues" I mean, "I haven't been able to access online banking ever."

*The system refused to allow it.  Multiple bank representatives were made aware of this over the years.

*All of whom assured me that I should have no problem signing up for online banking if I just tried again.  

*And one of whom assumed that I didn't know how to use a computer.  And said so.  To my face.

*Little Girl, I was learning how to write code before you were born...

*I did not say that.  Partly because I didn't think of it in time and mostly because writing code in the early 80's wasn't really all that impressive.

*It mostly revolved around solving for X in sophomore algebra.  

*And my flow charts never flowed well towards that goal.  Nor did my if/then statements inspire the room-sized panel of flashing gadgetry to do my will with anything remotely resembling fluid processing.

*OK.  So maybe Steve Jobs wasn't hunting me down to beg that I join his dream team in the garage, but I do know how to use a computer.

*When I went in to drop off my sort of late car payment, the nice young man asked me why I didn't just do it on-line.

*For well over a decade and then some, I have been reduced to telephone banking while I hum the soundtrack from Pretty In Pink to distract me from the fact that I am banking it 80's style.

*Although I do love me some Psychedelic Furs...

*I laughed right in the nice young man's face because a decade plus and then some is far too long to maintain one's sense of politeness and gentility.

*This time, however, a manager was in earshot.  A manager over the age of twelve and with some sense of customer service sense.

*I say "some sense" because she obviously still assumed the issue was on my end.  

*At least until the system shut her out of my online banking access.  

*Phone calls were made.  Special access codes invoked.  My footprints already in the system were erased in order that we might make a clean start of it.

*In short, I am now a proud member of the online banking community.  Something I have been trying to do since I first picked up that floppy disk on display in the bank's lobby.  The one that promised to set me up for futuristic banking.

*A floppy disk, for God's sake!!!

*No one knows why the system believed I already had a password.  I never got past the first two floppy disk prompts.  There is no way I could have set up a password.  

*Floppy disk bank blocked me!

*We decided to just call it One Of Those Things and let it go.  Except I kind of couldn't...

*Later, when I attempted to use my telephone banking pin to see if the information matched up with the version I saw on the screen, all was clear.

*My accursed telephone pin was the culprit!  When the Banking Guru erased me from the system, he/she made that go away.

*Thus clearing the path for new millennium style, updated soundtrack banking.

*Which, in hindsight, is maybe something they should have known.  Perhaps even mentioned to me.

*The floppy disk certainly didn't, but I think it had attitude problems.

*Busy day today.  I figured I might as well get as much done as possible while I was out and about so I checked store circulars before I left.  

*Maybe it's just me, but I think that stores should update their data regularly.  It does not help me to know what was on sale last week.  Just an observation.

*And one I made rather pointedly to Da Boyz, but I don't think they cared.  Food arrived on time this morning so their interest in me had waned a bit by then.

*First Stop: The doctor's office.  I had an appointment at 8:15.  I know this because it was written on a little card.

*And I quoted that little card to the nice receptionist when she told me that I did not have an appointment today.  No one had an appointment today because there wasn't even a doctor to be seen today.

*I repeated what it said on the card.  She repeated what it said on her computer screen.  

*Computer screen trumps card.  I left.  

*People are not cooperating with my last week of vacation at all.  I was contemplating sending a memo.

*It was now 8:20.  And I had three and a half hours to kill before meeting Mommy and Daddy Sheep for family lunch.

*I went to the Farmer's Market for the Weekly Visit With The Vegetables.  The last one of the summer.

*I fondly stroked a few eggplants and murmured sad good-byes to the melons.  

*Then I realized that one shouldn't be stroking and murmuring to produce because it causes people to look at one oddly.  One should purchase some melons and peaches and definitely that eggplant one was molesting and get out of Dodge.

*I found some very reasonably priced roman shades at a store known for discounted merchandise.  I wasn't exactly in the market for roman shades, but I was planning to buy new blinds later.  I figured roman shades thrown in my path were probably meant to be.

*This is a pay week.  I have money in my checking account.  I know this because I can check it online now.

*But, three days before payday, it's always nice to slow things down a bit.  I wrote a check for the shades.

*A check that I was assured would be happily accepted as long as I corrected the date.

*"You wrote the 28th," the nice man said.  "It's the 21st.  You need to change that."

*My response:  "Huh?"

*Now clearly believing that I was trying to pull some sort of check-related tom-foolery, he pointed to the paper and said, "You can't write that for the 28th.  It has to be TODAY'S DATE."

*I made a few uncertain and garbled noises, but I changed the check.  If this guy wanted to believe it was last week, so be it.  Not my problem.  I just wanted some cheap roman shades.

*And yet he seemed so certain...

*I pulled out my phone when I got back to the car.  I checked the date.  Sure enough.  It is not the 28th.  It is the 21st.  

*It is not the last week of summer vacation.  It is the second-to-last week.

*I am surrounded by calendars.  Paper versions.  Digital versions.  The bank is nice enough to put one right in the lobby for me to look at.  

*Over the past two days I have spoken to more people than I care to count about my sadness over this being the last week of summer vacation.  Several of them work with me.  They are on the exact same schedule.  

*I stood in the doctor's office today and quoted a card which listed my appointment as being for August 28th.  I quoted it twice.

*There were two people who heard it.

*I don't know whether to be horrified by how stupid I sound in public or concerned that no one saw fit to correct me until it involved possible check fraud.


So there you have it:  proof positive that I can never be left to my own devices.  Sure, I might sound like I know what I'm talking about.  I may come across as confident.  I might even use big words.  But don't for one minute let me out of your sight.  Or, if you have other things to do besides making sure I don't lick bare wires poking out of the wall, set up a rotating schedule so no one gets stuck with Sheepie Duty for overlong.  Whatever you have to do to make it work is fine with me.  The goal is to keep me alive and somewhere in the vicinity of where I need to be.

Oh, and by the way, you might want to make a note of this for the schedule.  You know that doctor's appointment I went to that isn't until next week?  The one I insisted on having made?  Yeah...that's actually for my yearly mammogram and doesn't occur anywhere near my primary care physician's office.

It says so right on the other side of that little card...

SA