Hysterically In Real Life

When I want to demonstrate my tendencies towards overly dramatic interpretations on the blog, it is a simple enough thing. I just bust out Hysterical Mind And Rational Mind. I first introduced them years ago when I was being tested for TB. I couldn't seem to stop thinking about having to wear black all the time and how much trouble it was going to be when I had to pack up and move into a drafty garret. I figured I could manage writing the angst-filled poetry but I wasn't sure I could make a living at it. In spite of every single rational fiber of my being screaming facts and figures to the contrary, I just kept going to the Dark Side.

I wrote a post about those two factions battling it out and the rest is history. Every time I need to share some ridiculous reaction I'm having, HM is the girl for the job. A typical conversation goes like this:

Hysterical Mind: I've decided to move us to a Clean Room. Here's a list of the stuff we need. I know how much you like organizing and packing stuff so why don't you handle that while I update our Facebook status, 'kay?

Rational Mind: I am not moving to a Clean Room. Why don't we just tidy up around here and call it a day?

HM: That is not enough! Tidying? In the face of the dreaded H1N1??? Are you mad, woman? This is the time of biblical plague and you are suggesting a once over with the dust mop?

RM: OK. I'll use the disinfectant spray. We'll be fine. We just need to wash our hands, keep up healthy habits and use a little common sense. You need to relax.

HM: Oh. My. God. Have we met? Do we need to have this conversation every single time a plague busts a move? We will NOT be fine. We have had no flu shot. We aren't going to get a flu shot. I'll say it slowly so you can understand. We...need...to...take...MEASURES!!!

RM: I half think you enjoy this...

HM: That is beside the point.

That's how it looks on the blog. In real life, most people have no idea they are dealing with HM. They just think it's silly ol' Sheepie making a funny in a bad situation. That or they think they can use logic to talk me off the ledge. People are so innocent and sweet in their belief that crazy is something you read about in books or see on the news. It is all around us. At least it is if I happen to be in the room.

First Actual Hysterical Moment:

Sheepish Annie: Hello, Mrs. School Nurse.

Mrs. School Nurse: (sighing) Hello, Ms. Sheep. What now?

SA: Um...I just wanted to tell you something before you went in to do that flu shot clinic for the children. There was this kid out there in the hallway and he said I could have his flu shot. He was really nice about it. He said I was a gift to the school and that he thought I should be preserved for all time. And that he couldn't get his shot because he had a cold. And that it was against his religion. Yeah...religion. And a cold.

MSN: Really?

SA: Yes. It was a kid but I don't know his name. You'd recognize him. He has hair...and shoes...you don't need to ask him about it. He was cool with my getting his shot.

MSN: You are getting better at this, you know.

SA: Thank you.

I did not get a flu shot. Mrs. School Nurse is a sharp one and not fooled for an instant by even the craftiest of ploys.

Second Actual Hysterical Moment:

(Ms. Sheep needs to ask Mr. Assistant Principal a question. He is in his office for the first time all week after being stricken by the flu. He is clearly still sick, but being a trouper about it)

Mr. Assistant Principal: Ms. Sheep? Come on in.

Ms. Sheep: (remaining in the doorway) I'm good right here, thanks.

(She asks her question, he answers it. As he is speaking, MS is mumbling to herself)

MS: please-don-t-be-contagious-please-don't-be-contagious...

MAP: What's that?

MS: Um...I said, "Please don't be contagious." Sorry. I'm a little freaked out by the flu.

MAP: I'm not contagious. I wouldn't be here if I was.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: No, I wouldn't.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: No, I wouldn't.

MS: Yes, you would.

MAP: OK. I would. But I'm not.

(Ms. Sheep flees the office and goes to find the school nurse to demand that she make Mr. Assistant Principal go home.)

There are many more examples. Just yesterday I was perusing the Maine CDC site and gathering all sorts of new information with which to entertain and educate my staff. I think they enjoy my weekly flu seminars.

Cheerful Teaching Assistant: You really should stop reading that stuff. You are just freaking yourself out.

Ms. Sheep: I'm being prepared! Knowledge is power! Plus, I thought you'd want to know...

CTA: I actually don't want to know. And I half think you enjoy all this.

MS: That is beside the point.

You do what you can. For myself, I'm washing my hands and only half serious about moving to a Clean Room. I've also found some nice yarn for a new pair of mitts. Last year's hand warmers have been retired after valiant service and part of staying healthy is keeping warm on cold winter days. I thought that the yarn I picked up at the craft show back in September might work nicely

Artsy shot I envisioned for the blog.

The feline-based reality in which I live.

I like to think that the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty was giving the yarn his stamp of approval. The fact that he logged into my Hulu account with that paw stamp is probably a coincidence. I think I need to believe that rather than the alternative.

HM would not do well if she knew she might get the flu and be stuck at home with a cat who controls the viewing options.

SA

WNBP: Everyone Is Totally Random

Last week was building up to this. I saw it coming. Now it is this week and everyone has gone off the rails. People are acting all wonky. One person tells me something "very important" and then someone else informs me that they were told "something else very important" about the same thing and which totally contradicts what I was told in the first place.

It's madness...

However, this state of affairs does lend itself to the Wednesday Night Bullet Post. Random behavior has its place. How nice that it is useful. Here's today's bullets:

*Three of us who'd had "very important discussions" got together to have a meeting and clarify our individual concepts of what we were supposed to be doing.

*The boss and I thought one thing because that is what we talked about.

*The other person thought something else and had a memo to back it up.

*Fortunately, we are all reasonable people with a common goal and a general liking for one another.

*I looked out into the hallway at one point and saw three of my students running amok.

*I could have gone out there.

*I didn't. I just called the office because I was tired from trying to understand "very important and completely opposite directives" and didn't have the energy to chase teenagers around the hallways.

*There was mooning involved. You'd have done the same and you know it.

*My boss gave me a chocolate covered pretzel. It had caramel in there, too. And it was huge.

*She is a woman of keen insight.

*Mr. Assistant Principal is out sick.

*Very sick.

*Over the top sick.

*Can't be here to deal with mooning children sick.

*It is entirely possible that this is how he called it in, but I can't be sure.

*Baby Panda.

I find sleeping baby pandas very soothing. I am glad that he lives in the dashboard of my computer.

*The Hat That Is Never Going To Be Finished still isn't finished.

*But I'm starting to think that it might be.

*I'm finally back to riding the little exercise bike.

*Good knitting time.

*The Kid Who Doesn't Have An "Off" Switch came up from breakfast the other morning shaking his head sadly.

*Words to think on: "I've just been eating applesauce off a plastic tray and now I feel like a senior citizen."

*This is the same kid who told me earlier in the year, "I'm thinking of suing you so we can go to court and I can see you in your professional clothes."

*TKWDHAOS has a keen eye and a gift for voicing his observations.

*Just got a whiff of the catbox. Thinking I should do something about that...

*The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty has discovered the hallway of our building.

*It is now is mission to be in the hallway at all costs.

*I do not want him in the hallway because there is a door out there and the outside is beyond that door.

*AGKs who require regular nose rubs, an endless supply of crunchy foods and can't function without a dollar store kitty tunnel toy aren't going to fare well in the big, wide world.

*Now I have to enter my home through a crack in the door the width of a dime.

*And he sometimes still makes it through.

*Powerful shoulders and the will to succeed will move mountains and tired mommies coming home from a rough day at the School Of Opposing Directives And Random Mooning.

I'm going to rest now. I may have survived today, but tomorrow I have to go back and do it all over again. I am hoping that the children managed to only irritate a few people in their bare-bottomed travels and that half my class isn't suspended from school. Or maybe it would be better if they were, now that I think of it.

Failing that, I would like to get the Can't Deal With Mooning Children Flu...

SA

S-Elfish Motivations

I did not blog yesterday. I thought about it. But, in the end, it didn't seem right to do so.

This is a knitting blog. Except when it is a spinning blog and I probably could have done a post had I spun. I did not spin. That left me with nothing. As much as I thought I should blog, I couldn't be true to the theme. So I blogged not.

Today, however, I knit. I knit three whole rounds on The Hat That Will Never Be Finished. I did not do this for the inherent "hat value." I don't wear hats. I did not do it so I could have the satisfaction of finishing something. It will probably never be finished. It didn't get its name for nuthin'! I also didn't do it so I'd have something to take my mind off the fact that I was riding the little exercise bike, although it did have that effect. It wasn't enough to make cardio less torturous, but I don't think it's fair to blame the knitting for that.

No. My motives were none of these. They were neither noble nor practical. I knit so I could justify blogging tonight and to be given a forum for two simple lines. This may seem like a great deal to go through just to jot down two sentences but, I assure you, it is more than worth it. Way more than...

This afternoon, as my class was settling in for their end of the day activities, The Great Debater decided to tell the tale of a childhood haircut. He hated that haircut for two reasons. First, his mother did it at home and we all know how that goes, don't we? Secondly, the cut revealed his ears which, at that time in his life, hadn't quite grown into their present, rounded shape.

And then he said them. The greatest lines I've heard in months. The kind of lines that probably don't translate well into print, but are worth knitting a hat so you can write them anyway. The two lines that I someday hope to have engraved in sterling silver and hung upon my wall for all to see. In their present digital form they are less impressive, but still beg to be written.

"When I was little, I thought I was an elf. I was really concerned for about a year."

SA

What It's Good For

Rainy days force us to make decisions. The options narrow down a bit because you can't do just any old thing when it is raining. Rainy Saturdays can sometimes cause even more in the way of decision-making because those are the days when most of us aren't working and have plans. The rain doesn't care if we had plans. It comes when it comes. You have to adjust.

Rainy days are not good for certain things. They are not conducive to long walks on the beach or afternoons spent frolicking amongst the fallen autumn leaves. You probably don't want to hang out the laundry to dry since it will take forever and never quite get that nice "outdoorsy" scent you were hoping for. I also don't suggest that you head out for a day of kite-flying unless you are a die-hard Ben Franklin fan and trying to reenact that famous key-on-a-string maneuver. Not that I don't see the appeal, mind you. That would be a once in a lifetime moment. Literally for some...

Rainy days mean looking carefully at your options. Days like that don't have much flexibility. In fact, I can only come up with a very short list of things that are good rainy day activities. First on that list is knitting.

If you can't go outside and the laundry is going to have to go in the dryer whether you like it or not, you might as well sit inside and knit. If it happens to rain all day, then you could probably knit a great deal. You could knit and knit and knit and still have time for a nap. You could take four coffee breaks, phone a friend, invent a new language and compose an epic poem but still have time to knit about forty feet of fabric. There is no excuse for not making progress on the knitting when it is a rainy Saturday and you are stuck inside.

Which is why I'm not offering one. Apparently, I am immune to the rainy day knitting syndrome. I didn't so much as pick up a needle today, much less whip out forty feet of scarf. It's almost like I didn't notice that it was raining or that the holidays are creeping ever closer. The day has gone from rainy and gray to rainy and dark. I've not knit a stitch.

I knit a little bit yesterday. We had a break while teaching the Safety Procedures course and I figured I'd work on The Simple Hat I'm Never Going To Finish. It's pretty much just a tube so it's not anything I have to concentrate on. I managed a couple of rounds before I had to get up and bore the class again with my lecture on how not to get bitten by grumpy students. That's something, I guess.

But it's not much. Not when you compare it to what a person could (and should) be able to knit on a rainy Saturday.

What can I say? The raindrops pattering on the windows were hypnotic and made the hours seep away before I could catch them. I lacked the motivation to move. Well...I had to go to the bathroom a lot, but that is inevitable when a waterfall is pouring from the gutters past your window. You can't help that. Otherwise, there was little in the way of activity over here today.

The list of Rainy Day Options is short and I couldn't even be bothered to take on the thing in the number one spot. I also didn't read or nap so I missed numbers two and three as well. About the only thing that seemed to hold my interest was number four. Everyone here at the manse did very well with that, I think.

Rainy Day Activity #4: Staring out the window at the raindrops

SA

Random Day Off

It's Veteran's Day and it just so happened that it fell on a Wednesday this year. What a coincidence! A random day of the week that doesn't involved going to work and the day when I do the Wednesday Night Bullet Post! It's a very random sort of day, indeed...

*First and foremost, I offer up a hearty and sincere Thank You to all those men and women who put themselves in harm's way to protect hearth and home!

*Having a Wednesday off is a very weird thing. You no sooner get used to the fact that you work for a living and suddenly you are drinking your coffee at home in your jammies.

*As I was walking into the school with a colleague yesterday, I told him that it was Tuesday/Friday.

*He thought about that and then said that it was really more like Tuesday/Saturday because it was the day before the day before we had to go back to work.

*I didn't like that perspective. First of all, it seemed to focus on the negative.

*Secondly, it failed to account for the fact that I wasn't at home watching cartoons.

*I had me some big plans for today.

*I promised myself a day of not leaving the house and doing all sorts of hearthy-homey stuff.

*Don't judge me. I know I'm lame. I'm also tired and living in squalor. The idea of staying in my jammies and puttering about the manse seemed very, very appealing to me.

*Note to self: Planning to shampoo the carpets only works if you store all the parts of the carpet cleaner thingie together.

*Another note to self: You have no one to blame but yourself if you don't put everything in one place when you are done and then can't find very important parts when it's time to clean the carpets.

*I didn't shampoo the carpets today.

*Nor did I bake the bread like I said I was going to.

*I spun, though.

*The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty has been very active of late.

*Does anyone think I'm being unreasonable for thinking that he should not open all the cupboards, swat spoons from the counters and tip over the trash can in the living room five billion times in one day?

*Let me know if you think I'm over the line, here. The AGK certainly seems to feel that way...

*How high does the mountain of dishes in the sink have to be before it can be classified as a national monument?

*No reason for asking. Just wondering.

*Another note to self: Emptying the dishwasher once the "finished" light comes on will make a huge difference in the amount of dishes teetering precariously in the sink later in the week.

*The school called me last night using their auto-dial feature.

*Reminder #1: We should wash our hands and not send our children to school if they have a fever. Using Tylenol to make the fever go down doesn't count and is not helpful in the least.

*Reminder #2: Fever or not, don't send your children to school on Wednesday because it is a holiday. If they get a fever on Wednesday, refer to reminder #1.

*The Cheerful Teaching Assistant has the flu.

*She came to work on Tuesday. For, like, five minutes.

*Then she had to go home because standing up was getting challenging.

*I bleached her desk.

*And her chair.

*And every other surface I could think of.

*Poor CTA. She was not cheerful. Not at all.

*We are crossing our fingers and thinking good thoughts for her recovery.

*The student absence list was, once again, 9 pages long yesterday.

*I'm torn between feeling badly for the afflicted and thinking maybe they should all go live on an island somewhere until they can prove to me that they are healthy.

*Still no flu shots.

*I don't care what shot they give me. It doesn't have to be "swine."

*It could be "Bird."

*It could be "Anteater" for all I care.

* We are open to all the possibilities at this point.

*I forgot to take pictures of the spinning today.

*I was distracted.

*Flu

*Missing carpet cleaner thingie parts.

*Possible national monument in my kitchen

*Possible natural disaster caused by the cat in my kitchen.

*It was a full day...

It's back to work for this educator tomorrow. If I can survive that, I'll be in the home stretch. Just one more day and it's the weekend all over again. Not bad for a week with two Fridays. Or two Saturdays depending on your perspective...

SA

In The Plague Years...

Sheepie is, once again, sitting in her classroom and waiting for parent conferences that may or may not happen. In fact, I do have one scheduled this time. But it's not until 5:30 and I've got a ways to go before anyone deigns to converse with me. On the plus side, this round of conferences only goes until 7:00. On the negative, that is still a long time to sit and wait for someone to tell me I can go home.

Frankly, home is where I'd rather be. I was awakened at 2:00 this morning by my tummy who wanted to let me know that it didn't appreciate all that 1/2 priced Halloween candy I ate over the weekend. It was most insistent that I read that memo. When I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep, the tummy ratcheted up the warning and forced me to listen.

I do not care for throwing up. I like it even less at 2:00 in the morning. In general, I am not a fan of the whole, sorry process.

Trouper that I am, though, I still got out of bed at 5:00 and readied myself for another school day. Given that it is parent/teacher conference night, I couldn't really take a sick day. Besides, my tummy was now satisfied that I'd heard its concerns and had settled down markedly.

When the first bell rang, I had no students. None. A few straggled in later, but it took a while and I never saw everyone I was supposed to see. When the attendance report was emailed, I figured out why.

It was nine pages long. Over a hundred kids out sick. Almost forty more were dismissed throughout the course of the day. Even if you don't factor in those who took advantage of the mass dismissals or who may have been the victim of a little panic-sickness, that's still a whole lot of kids who needed to be sent home. If the reports are correct, that was close to 30% of the school's student body.

Did I mention that I still don't have a flu shot? Great...

It was a pretty quiet day here at Education Central. When you run out of kids to teach, you have to be kind of creative with your time. When you develop a case of the sniffles before noon, it is even more important that you find something to do or else you will start thinking the worst. That helps no one.

So here I sit in my classroom or, as I like to call it, Ground Zero. The plague swirls all around me just waiting for an opportunity to pounce and there isn't a darned thing I can do about it. I've used the bleach wipes on every available surface and sanitized my hands so much that they are raw. It's in the hands of fate now.

If you are scheduled to meet with me tonight to conference about your child's progress, I should be fairly easy to locate. I'll be the one in the room reeking of bleach, knitting a hat and wearing a hazmat suit..

SA

Crazy Is Contextual

The Cheerful Teaching Assistant and I were reminiscing about last year's ice storm the other day. It was quite the event and left many people stranded without power for up to a week. There are lots of good stories to tell about those days.

Truth be told, however, this wasn't how the conversation started. It really began as she was expressing her concern over my need to put together an In Case I Get The Flu And Am Quarantined For God Knows How Long plan. This, of course, forced me to explain my theories around how planning for something ensures that it will never happen. The fact that I now have a packet of materials for the staff to use should I be stricken with the flu and still not sporting a flu shot is really something that should comfort, not cause panic. The plan's existence, I told her, ensures that I shall live forever.

We then got to talking about how prudent planning can easily cross the line into obsessive behavior requiring medication. Except when it works. I was pretty lucky last year when the ice rained down upon our heads. I only had to live without power for 24 hours. Others went for days. Still, the fact that I had a working TV, hot food and a relatively comfortable time of it was a bit of a triumph.

It was a little island of smug sanity in an otherwise sea full of crazy. The CTA suggested that my having planned for something that probably wouldn't happen but then did gave me the opportunity to experience even more of that righteous golden glow with the telling of the tale. I, however, maintain that it all still sounds a bit crazy. My one moment came when I was sitting down to a hot dinner while everyone else ate crackers. That will have to suffice.

Crazy is only crazy when it fits the context. The fact that I purchased my emergency supplies because, deep down, I worry that zombies will one day rise from their graves and wander around looking for hapless shoppers pretty much means that I am one step away from getting fitted for a tin foil hat. The day that Mother Nature decided to make a point and those same supplies came in handy I looked like a forward thinking genius. It's all in how you look at it.

Contextual Craziness has other applications, too. For example, when Sheepie makes her way to the checkout line at the dollar store carrying twelve collapsible cat tunnels she does not look sane. If Sheepie had any doubts about this, they could be put to rest by the look on the cashier's face as she counted them. Twice. Sheepie, not being one to suffer that look for long, will always feel the need to explain herself.

I know. There's twelve of them. But my Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty really loves these things and he plays with them until they are in tatters. You don't have them in stock very often so when they come in, I have to get a bunch. I figure he can have one per month and that should cover us for the next year. I'm not crazy. Honest. This makes total sense. The ones at the other stores are really expensive and he shreds them just as fast. Buying a year's worth of cat tunnels is perfectly logical if you look at it from a fiscal standpoint. No, really! I know I look like the Crazy Cat Lady here, but I'm really a very responsible and penny-wise pet owner! And I even left a couple for other people who might want them...

OK. So maybe this is one of those times where the explanation makes me look more crazy, but the further I got into it the more I felt I needed to explain. Before I knew it I was knee deep in elaboration and couldn't escape. I probably won't be going to the local dollar store again for a while.

I don't care. I have twelve cat tunnels and, crazy or not, I feel satisfied with my lot in life. The AGK loves them and I love the AGK. If he wants cat tunnels and if they make him happy, then cat tunnels he shall have! Besides, it's the only toy that works when I need to distract him so I can get out the door and go to work in the morning. The next time he destroys a tunnel, I shall have one at the ready!

I luvz my Kat Kaves! Don' luv that my mama hydz themz in the clawset, tho....

I fail to see the attraction. I'd rather sit here on the remote and change the channels. That is much more entertaining.

Different strokes for different folks. Or cats. I guess everyone has their weakness. I like planning for disasters that may never come to pass. The AGK likes to run around with a cheap, nylon tube over his head and smash into the furniture. The Big, Fluffy Kitty likes to control our television viewing. We all have our areas of expertise.

I wish I'd been as forward thinking with the knitting, though. With the holidays looming, I guess it's time to accept that this is going to be another year where I don't exactly make the cut with knitted gifting. I didn't plan very well. The clock was ticking and I missed the opportunity. Rather than go into a panic and try to knit 15 pairs of mittens before December 24th rolls around, I decided to just accept the situation. When life gives you lemons, you might as well see if you can still make yarn twist around and bend to your will. You can just knit up a squarish thing for the heck of it. It's fun and it takes your mind of things like natural disasters, the H1N1 virus and whether or not the zombies will make an appearance before you can get the marketing done.

Proof of cabling.

I'm sure I can find a use for a cool, cabled, squarish thingie. Who couldn't? Even if I can't, I'll still sleep well tonight knowing that I am all set should there be a world-wide shortage of Kat Kaves. Heck, I even made a grocery store run and finally remembered to get batteries for the camera! And half price Halloween candy that I didn't need but bought because I was afraid someone else would get it! And instant noodles that will keep in the cupboard forever in case the zombies come!

Sometimes I'm crazy in context. Other times, it's just a lifestyle...

SA

Running Hot And Cold

Wednesday is the middle of the week. It is the day after staff meetings happen at my school. This time, it is the day after an election, as well. I'm reasonably certain that it is also a night when there is something good on TV, but I'm not sure just what that something is. Lastly, it is also time for the Wednesday Night Bullet Post. In the grand scheme of things, that is a high point. Especially given my failure to identify satisfactory television fare.

*I was scheduled to attend a training at the high school today.

*I thought I was going to have to go very late and sneak in the back.

*Turns out, I was able to get out of school more easily than planned.

*And so it was that I was only a little bit late.

*Still had to sneak in the back, though.

*The heat in my classroom has been stuck in the "on" position for a month.

*It is hot in there.

*The heat at the Professional Development Center is stuck in the "off" position.

*It is very cold in there.

*It was like going from the desert to the arctic tundra in the space of fifteen minutes.

*That's a whole lotta traveling for a Wednesday!

*I finished up the very cool, cabled, squarish thingy last night.

*Just need to block 'er up!

*Let's see how long it takes me to get that task done.

*Casting off = finishing.

*Except for the part where you aren't quite done.

*Then there's weaving in the ends.

*It's like a never-ending process, this finishing thing!!!!!!

*Today's training was kind of like that.

*It should have and could have been done in two hours.

*But it wasn't. It just kept going.

*And going.

*And going...

*That's OK. The trainer was very nice and I still got to come home 45 minutes early.

*I had to blast the heat the whole way home, though.

*Arctic tundra.

*Maine was unable to successfully block the repeal of the law supporting Equality In Marriage.

*It was close...but that is cold comfort.

*I'm not in the mood for gloating right now, so please use caution when commenting tonight.

*I'm sure I can be more open-minded and perhaps even wicked articulate on the matter later in the week.

*For now, I'm just grumpy.

*Or still cold from a day in the arctic tundra.

*Either way, I'm sort of snappish.

*The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty is very happy these days.

*I've been closing the drapes early since the darkness falls by late afternoon.

*There is nothing an AGK loves more than jumping up on his kitty perch and rolling himself up in the drapes on a chilly autumn evening.

*I anticipate the bending and eventual snapping of the curtain rod within a week or so.

*I know this because it will be the second curtain rod I've replaced in a year.

*Sometimes he likes to climb the drapes. That will also bend the rod.

*But he only does this when he's tired of climbing the shower curtain liner and sliding down as it shreds under the massive weight of his gi-normousness.

*It's nice to have a cat who can keep himself entertained.

*We keep the drapery and shower curtain liner people in business, too.

*We do our part for the economy in these challenging times...

So ends another Wednesday here in Sheepie Land. I'm almost thawed out from my day in the arctic tundra and trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow when I return to the desert. There is also reason to believe that I will be blocking a cabled, squarish thingy tonight, too. But don't let's get our hopes up on that one. We don't want to rush the endless finishing of things, after all. Here's hoping that your Wednesday was delightful and that the perfect room temperature was yours to enjoy!

SA

A Boy Of Few Words

Last Friday, the boy who is Gauged And Aerodynamic had a few things to say. This is noteworthy because, of all my students, he is the one with the least inclination to "share." Nor is he particularly enamoured of those who tend to share without reservation.

In fact, the few times he has spoken up, it has been to point out my tendency to gab. He is not a fan. I like to think that he is trying to be helpful and that he just doesn't always find the right words to most clearly express himself. I don't believe he truly thinks that I never shut up or that the sound of my voice is enough to put him to sleep just for the escape value.

He has gotten rather good at tuning me out most of the time. He turns those aerodynamic ears my way when there are directions to be heard, but isn't all that interested in my irrelevant chatter. I sometimes picture my words shooting right through those gi-normous holes he's managed to stretch into his lobes...

This is why I was so surprised when he inserted himself into a conversation I was having with the Cheerful Teaching Assistant regarding the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty and the effects of his new game. He likes to sit in the chair by the wall that I pass on my way to other parts of the manse. He particularly enjoys waiting until bedtime then reaching out and snagging my pajama bottoms as I make my way to bed. More than once, he has actually managed to rearrange my sleepwear in such a way as to render me indecent.

I didn't tell this part of the story at school, though. My students don't need that mental image and they are all too busy learning to take time out of the day for therapy. It would require lots of time on the couch for the average kid to erase the image of his teacher losing her drawers, right?

But the essence of the tale was G-rated so I told it without the gratuitous nudity. I bemoaned my situation with this poorly behaved feline and wondered how I would manage while I waited for the AGK to find another source of entertainment. That's when Gauged And Aerodynamic suddenly sprang to life:

GAA: He just wants some attention.

Ms. Sheep: Pardon?

GAA: Your cat. The one with the weird name.

MS: Prometheus.

GAA: Yeah. That's weird. And he just wants attention.

MS: He gets lots of attention.

GAA: Doesn't look like it to me.

MS: Well, he does! Plus, it's bedtime when he does this and that is not playtime for kitties.

GAA: Do you ever pat him on the head when you go by? Did you ever think he might just want a pat on the head?

MS: He bites. Really hard. He can lock his jaws like one of those pit bulls...

GAA: Or how about a little scratch under the chin? Is that too much to ask? He'd love that and it would only take a minute.

MS: I scratch his chin all the time! It's just that it's bedtime...

GAA: I'll bet you don't even tell him, "Good night." That poor cat is feeling like you don't even care!

MS: But...

GAA: (returns to his computer game, shaking his head disapprovingly)

It is always disconcerting to be chastised regarding how to give your cat snuggle-wuggums by a kid who's overall style would fit in better at a punk rock festival. It is worse when you feel that you have somehow disappointed him even if you know you are not neglecting your Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty. The fact that he feels secure enough to playfully yank down my jammie bottoms without fear of retribution should illustrated that rather well.

My cat is not lacking for attention. Of that I was certain. I thought it interesting that this was the longest speech I'd ever heard from GAA, but put no stock in his words. I figured he was either having me on or just tuned out all my other cat stories which involve me showering my fur babies with love and crunchy treats.

Then I came home to discover that the AGK had gotten ahold of a skein of cotton and flung it all over the living room.

As I was meandering around the manse, painstakingly following the trail of yarn in order that I might rewind it without having to actually move any furniture, I wondered if I might have been too blase about the matter. Could GAA have been right? Was I not paying enough attention to my poor boy? Were the words of the kid with holes in his ear an inch in diameter really pearls of wisdom? And had I cast them aside without giving them the consideration they deserved?

I resolved to bring the matter up again on Monday.

I didn't get to it until the end of the day today, but I finally cornered my new Kitty Guru to see if he had any further thoughts on how I might be a better parent to my furry son. I hoped that my taking the matter more seriously would give a boost to GAA. Surely he must have been agonizing over my inability to understand what he'd been trying to tell me only three short days ago. I explained to him at length how I came to my new realization of his genius and asked that he please tell me more about his theories on cat parenting.

He listened patiently then looked at me like I was insane. He had no memory of this conversation and told me so in five words or less. Then he went back to his computer game, the same one he was playing when this whole thing started.

And now I've missed my chance to find out how I can pay more attention to my cat and save my poor yarn from further abuse. I'll try the pat on the head thing tonight. Maybe that will work. I only need one hand to hold up my pajama bottoms, after all...

SA

Victim Of Battery

It is my belief that having an extra hour in the day should put a person is more on the alert end of the spectrum. If you should happen to wake up at 6:00 in the morning, the fact that the clocks were all set back to Standard Time the night before means that it is really 7:00. Why, a body should barely need coffee at that point!

Not so for me this morning. I woke up groggy, disoriented and out of sorts. The feeling persisted all through the daily routine.

Perhaps it was due to the fact that I had no trick-or-treaters last night and was literally forced to consume candy before it went bad. We hate to waste candy when there are so many who have none. Yet a sugar overload can make for a rumbly tummy.

Then there was the whole milk mozzarella I mentioned in an earlier tweet. I am not of an age where milk in it's entirety is a good idea. In fact, it is a very bad idea if the memos from my digestive tract were any indication. I swear to you that the gurgling was beginning to sound like actual words for a while there. And none of them were complimentary regarding my dietary choices last night...

I didn't sleep well and that could have been part of the problem. My neighbors, who are generally lovely people and who would certainly come to my aid should my hair ever catch fire, seem to have upgraded their kickin' sound system. They mean well and try hard to keep it turned down. However, their inability to understand that sound is a vibrational phenomenon or that bass coming from a speaker installed on a shared wall will be both heard and felt no matter what the volume is an ongoing concern of mine. They really do try, bless them. And they are so nice that it's hard to stay mad, especially when they confine their wall-rattling to the weekends. But it does not make for a restful night at home.

It could have been all or none of these things that made me so logy today. I was highly unfocused and that is never a good thing when a girl has a to-do list on her hands. My trip to the grocery store this morning was fraught with moments where I simply couldn't recall why I was there or what I needed. Finally, I found myself nearing the checkout with what I hoped were useful items in my basket and then I got hopelessly off track. They had cereal on sale for 88 cents. I'm not much of a cereal fan, but this stuff was frosted and who doesn't like things that are frosted for under a dollar??? Plus, the box promised me not one, but TWO Boxtops For Education coupons! I may be bad about sending those things to Trek on time in order that she might add them to her collection. But that doesn't mean I don't like to keep stockpiling them for the day when I actually remember to mail them.

Frosted cereal for less than a buck with double boxtops was just about the end of me. Between that and my bleary state, I'm surprised I ended up at the right house when all was said and done. The day continued in its ridiculous fashion. Finally, after a rather frustrating moment where I discovered a weird dangly yarn bit at the back of the cool, cabled squarish thingy I've been knitting, I decided to call it quits. I don't like to nap too much on a Sunday for fear I'll mess up my bed time routine, but this was an emergency. There may have been an extra hour of sleep on the books, but it had done me little good. I needed to crash on the couch before something truly horrific happened.

It wasn't until I awoke that I realized what I'd done. Or, more accurately, what I hadn't done. After writing an entire blog post about them, thinking about them non-stop for hours and planning this morning's whole grocery store trip around them, I really believed that I could manage to obtain them and put my life to rights again. But, apparently I couldn't.

Because I still don't have any AA batteries.

I'll probably have to call in sick to work tomorrow. It's not like I can function until I get batteries and I probably shouldn't be trusted with the care of children anyway.

SA

But I'm Not Ready!!!

I have always taken a perverse pleasure in disaster prep. I know it's weird. I honestly don't live my life as if the sky is falling. I go through my days like everyone else. I live. I laugh. I've even been known to break out in the occasional awkward dance. I just do it with an eye upward because if the sky does fall, I don't want to miss the early signs.

I suppose there is a certain sense behind all this. My mom is one who likes to be prepared and can be counted on to have anything a person might need. She also regularly gifts Baby Brother Sheep and me with foods, beverages and paper goods that she thinks we should have on hand "just in case." You can believe me or not, but I swear to you that I haven't bought toilet paper in 15 years. I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for it in the store.

I also received a firm lesson in the need to be prepared during the dreaded Monkey Pox bout a few years ago. An extremely severe case of pneumonia kept me housebound for a week and I was in bad shape for much longer than that. I literally ran out of any food that I might even consider appetizing, but couldn't stand up long enough to shop. We shall not even discuss what it was like to lug groceries up to a second floor condo. I have vivid memories of having to stop and rest three times at the Gigantic Store Of Stuff because I couldn't catch my breath long enough to make it from housewares to frozen foods.

And let us not forget my firm belief that the coming Zombie Apocalypse will keep us all trapped in our homes for God knows how long. That is not the time for anyone to run out of snack foods. Or the aforementioned toilet paper...

You don't even want to get me started on this whole H1N1 pandemic either. You'll wish you'd catch it just to get rid of me once I launch into the third hour of my lecture series entitled "Things We Should All Be Doing In This Time Of Crisis." In my defense, I think it is a fairly well thought out speech and really the fault of the Center For Disease Control because I never would have thought of this without their timely updates.

Yeah. I'm fun at parties. Why I don't get more dinner invitations is simply beyond me...

I am very dedicated to a task I call End Of The World Is Nigh Shopping. I always have food in the cupboards, especially the kind that can be stored for a length of time. I have candles aplenty, a crank-powered radio, a charged ipod and the means to keep myself warm and/or dry in most situations. I keep a mini kit with similar items in the car. It's a little bit crazy, but it makes me feel better. If I do that stuff, I don't have to think about it.

This is why it is incomprehensible to me that I cannot show you any pictures tonight. There were many things around here that merited being immortalized in digital form this week. There's that cool cabled square thingie I've been knitting. There was the kitchen disaster after a poorly planned pasta making attempt on Thursday (which resulted in the trashing of my cheap pasta maker.) And yesterday's discovery of an entire skein of cotton strewn about the living room courtesy of a certain Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty would have made for a great blog photo. Any time you find yarn trailing about the house and wound around various pieces of furniture, you probably should share the moment.

But I can't show you any of those things. I am utterly unable. I can't believe this. It is beyond my ken. For this to happen to me, of all people, is the stuff of nightmares. It is, I suppose, appropriate that it is happening on Halloween but that doesn't make it any more bearable. I am shamed and horrified. My camera is dead.

And I have run out of AA batteries.

This is clearly a sign of bad things to come. Go hug your loved ones and say a few words to whatever higher power you feel is yours to honor. I will do the same. Between us, perhaps we can create enough good karma to keep the bogey man at bay for just a little while. We don't need but a day or two.

Just long enough for me to make a battery run.

SA

WNBP: Remote Blogging

Greetings all! Sheepie blogs to you from her classroom tonight as it is Parent/Teacher Conference day and I have to be here rather late. In spite of having no scheduled conferences, I will soon be coming up on 12 straight hours in this school and that won't be the end of it.

Since I have managed to do all the work-related things I can possibly do and have spent enough time bothering people down in the office, I figured I'd best get the Wednesday Night Bullet Post out amongst the inter-webs. I need to look busy before someone finds a task to keep me "occupied." That might involve actual work and I just can't manage any heavy lifting right now. Not even the mental kind.

Let's take a look at the bullets for this week:

*I meant to blog last night so I wouldn't feel pressured tonight.

*You never know. There might be five thousand parents who suddenly decided I was worthy of conferencing and booked my time at the last minute.

*This did not happen.

*It's just as well. Yesterday was a miserable day and I just didn't have the heart to wax hilarious on the blog.

*The Invisibility Shawl is sitting in my bag. Any minute now, I'll probably feel the urge to knit up a few rows.

*Honest. Any minute now...

*It is entirely possible that I've gotten a bit of the brain freeze after hours of sitting in a classroom where there are no parents ready to conference.

*No. I can't leave. It is part of my contract and I get a day off in November for doing conferences.

*Besides, all the other teachers have to stay and we don't want them feeling jealous of my freedom.

*Or pity for my lack of company...

*Most of my students have longer meetings at least once a year. The regular conferences really aren't such a big deal and I don't begrudge parents skipping them.

*I had two meetings with various boss-types in the afternoon so I think I managed to meet my meeting quota even without conferences.

*The Parent/Teacher Organization makes dinner for us and we get to eat it in the cafeteria.

*Well...the people who can eat unfamiliar food get to do that.

*I am not a person who can eat food prepared by strangers or that has possibly been spat upon by slighted students who happen to live in the house where the food is being cooked.

*It could happen.

*I'm not paranoid. Except for the part where I am.

*I always feel badly about not eating the meal the parents prepare because I know it is not contaminated or filled with spittle. They work hard to do this for the teachers. It is a kindness.

*But I can't help thinking about it.

*It's better to think that sort of thing alone in my classroom rather than to be suddenly seized with doubt while my fork is trembling at my lips and the parent who baked the lasagna is eagerly awaiting the sight of my happy dining.

*And the making of "yummy" noises.

*Dropping one's fork and fleeing the cafeteria whilst shouting, "Unclean! Dear God...so unclean!!!" is bad form. And untrue.

*And not the sort of thing that gets you the Teacher Of The Year nomination.

*I ate a peanut butter cup in my room and kept my crazy to myself.

*The school nurse is tired of giving me free tissues and cough drops. She is beginning to suspect that I am selling them on the internet or something.

*I'm not. I need the free tissues and cough drops if I am to survive the last lingering effects of The Cold That Will Not End.

*And which has nothing to do with spit poisoned food no matter what I may say in my more crazy moments.

*But it does probably have to do with the district running out of flu shots and the nurse giving mine to some kid who didn't appreciate it one little bit like I would have.

*I pointed this out to her several times today.

*But I don't think this is going to result in a shower of free cough drops.

*Sometimes you can just tell these things...

Well, the knitting is calling and I do believe I might risk a trip down to the teacher's room for a nice, sealed soda fresh from the machine. One that has not been touched by human hands because if you are going to be crazy you might as well go all the way.

It's not like I have any witnesses all alone up here in my conference-free classroom...

SA

Luck, Pride And The Double Tap

I'm not normally one given to insomnia. I happen to like sleeping in all its many forms. Long naps. Catnaps. Car snoozing (assuming, of course, that I'm not the driver). Zoning out to the point where I'm sort of asleep except for the part where I'm actually awake. And bedtime, the regular kind of sleeping that I do for 7 hours per night.

Sleep is my friend and I treat it kindly. We meet regularly.

Last night, however, I found myself not sleeping. There was no real reason for this. I just couldn't stop thinking of stuff. The little project I've been knitting up and which has taken me fifty bazillion tries to get right was on the top of my brain for a while. Then there was the nagging feeling that I'd forgotten to do something and which I still can't identify as having been left undone. I thought about the cats, what shoes I'd be wearing the next day and all sorts of stuff that had no relevance, but still kept me from sleeping.

This was not good. I knew that the Cheerful Teaching Assistant was going to be out today and we are never at our best when we are short-staffed in the classroom. The alarm went off this morning at its usual time and I knew that I was not really Student Ready.

I arrived at school and logged onto the Infinite Campus program that now runs my working life and read more bad news. Not only was the CTA out, but the Organized Teaching Assistant was also listed as "absent-no sub." There is only one thing worse than being very tired and having one of your teaching assistants out:

Being very tired and having to single-handedly manage a classroom full of teenagers who are "spirited to the point of requiring special programming."

I got lucky, though. Two students were out today and they happen to be the two who have the most difficulty keeping on task. The kids who showed up were the ones who like me enough to cut me a break on a day when I'm manning the fort alone. I also got all kinds of phone calls from people who realized I was going solo and wanted to make sure I was "OK." When I reassured them that I was fine, I came across like quite the little heroine.

The truth of the matter was that I had a pretty good day. The kids were easily bribed with promises of extra free time for computer games and regular doses of candy. They worked hard and enjoyed their well-deserved treats. I even had a free minute to wander over to the book fair in the library and make a few purchases to benefit that fine establishment.

They had a nice selection, including a few titles for the adults. I finally broke down and purchased a copy of Pride And Prejudice And Zombies for the cause. I'd resisted for a long time because (and please don't hate me for this) I don't much care for Jane Austin. But I'll tolerate overwriting and simple plot lines gone horribly awry if there is the promise of a zombie or two.

Feel free to knock one or two points off my High Class Rating. I'll understand. I should be more of a literary person.

What could have been a bad day turned out just fine. It was actually pretty darned good. It had definite high points. Here's one that occurred with The Stalker Who Has Followed Me Since Fourth Grade:

Ms. Sheep: Hey, Stalker! Will you be OK for a minute while I run down and pick up something from the printer?

The Stalker: (barely looking up from his computer game) Mmm-hmmm....

MS: You are in charge for the next minute and half. You got it covered?

TS: Mmmm-hmmm...

MS: And if the zombies come? You know what to do if the zombies attack?

TS: (without looking up from the screen or missing a beat) Go for the head. Destroy the brain. Do the double tap.

MS: (wiping away the tears of joy) I'm so proud...

SA

Auto Knitting

I was really doing much better with vehicle maintenance up until recently. In the past, I may have put off things like routine oil changes just a bit longer than is recommended. I figured that, eventually, the little picture of the oil can would pop up on the dash and that would be my signal to deal with the matter. If I didn't have time for it just then, a hard left took care of the problem. The light goes right out once the last dregs of oil swish around in there...

But this is not a responsible way to live. I was lucky for a long time, but knew that my luck would not hold out forever. My resolve weakened a little back when the truck exploded in a spectacular display of lemony excitement. I'd been quite good with the oil and it rewarded me by dying well before its time. Or before I'd finished paying for it. That seemed rather harsh considering my new responsible attitude.

I have stayed the course in spite of this betrayal, though. My new car tells me in no uncertain terms when it wants oil. It tells me when it thinks it might be wanting oil in the near future. There are no excuses with the new car. It doesn't have issues with getting its needs met.

That doesn't mean I don't slip every now and again. The message center does have a "reset" button, after all. If I don't have the time or the resources to get an oil change, I can always tell the car to shut up. And that's just what I did back when it started to complain a while back. After a fashion, though, even I couldn't reasonably delay an oil change. The car was only going to tolerate so much before it decided that "reset" was no longer an acceptable response on my part.

I headed in for my scheduled appointment this morning at 9:30 sharp. This was the agreed upon time. This was the time Mr. Fixit and I both felt would allow for the oil change and me getting to my 11:00 appointment with The World's Greatest Stylist And Life Coach. The matter was discussed at length in our Thursday phone conversation. In fact, I even got there early just to be on the safe side.

Sheepish Annie: Good morning! I am Sheepish Annie and I am here for an oil change because my car told me I had to.

Car Lady I Deal With Often: Hello, SA! Let me just look you up in the computer here...

(There is a great deal of clicking, followed by a smidgen of brow furrowing. Then there is more clicking. After that there is some lip pursing. And more clicking...)

SA: I probably should mention that I talked to N*** when I called.

CLIDWO: Ohhhhh! I see. That changes everything!

(There is still some clicking, but far less than before. The brow furrowing and lip pursing is replaced with rueful head shakes)

SA: I figured with all the clicking, you probably needed to know that I talked to N***.

CLIDWO: He can answer the phone all right. He just can't get things into the computer. I go through this every single, stupid time!!

SA: I know. That's why I mentioned it.

CLIDWO: I'm going to give him so much crap for this.

SA: Don't mention my name. He scowls like he has anger control issues. Plus he's the manager and all...

CLIDWO: No worries. I've never thrown a regular customer under the bus.

In spite of her reassurances, I knew that this was going to take just a bit longer than I'd planned. Thankfully, I remembered to bring the knitting along. It was a tough decision. The logical choice would have been to pack up the simple hat or the boring sock. However, neither of those appealed to me and I ended up toting The Invisibility Shawl. This, of course, is not a good travel project because it involves counting and I don't do that very well when there are distractions. My car on a lift is a distraction. The scent of new tires is a distraction. People chatting on cell phones and the sight of freshly pressed sales people wandering around looking for victims is a distraction.

But the shaw is what I brought.

If nothing else, it's good for some attention. The lady sitting next to me commented on how "fine" the work was and I had to be honest with her about the pattern. It's four rows. Two are the exact same thing. Another is a purl row. The last is a knit. Not brain surgery unless you happen to be me, can't count and are scared of car salesmen. There was no glory in the pattern.

Fortunately, she also mentioned the yarn and asked where I got it. On that point, I could be justifiably proud. When you spin your first laceweight, you don't get all humble about it. You hold your head high and hope that the audience is suitably impressed. She was.

An extended oil change is good for three repeats on The Invisibility Shawl, in case you are wondering. That's almost exact. It doesn't allow for the time spent going back into the dealership because they forgot to reset the "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO CHANGE YOUR OIL OR WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!! message on the dashboard. That only takes the technician a minute to do and the rest of the time you are driving around trying to find your way out of the repair center because they don't move the car for you in that situation.

It all worked out. I even had time to dash into the used bookstore before my hair appointment. I got to chit-chatting in there and was a minute or two late, but not so much as you'd notice. Honest. My stylist was ready with very sharp scissors in hand and a smile on her lips. She may have taken advantage of the situation just a little bit because I let her cut off more hair than she ever has before. But I can't prove that...

The car is now happy because it has oil and I am happy because I was the only one in the waiting room who just got to pay and go. Everyone else was approached by a serious looking repair representative who wanted to "discuss" a few things with them. I almost felt guilty but then I remembered all the very serious discussions I've had in there over the years and decided that I was due for some smooth visits to the dealership.

Not to mention knitting props and four shawl repeats in the waiting area!

SA

Days Of The Week? Whatever...

Last week started with a holiday and I was calendar-confused right up until Thursday. This week, I was at home on the couch "enjoying" a sick day when Monday rolled around so I still don't have a clue. This is a recurring theme on this blog, I think. I never know what day it is anymore. I used to. I really did. Now? Not so much.

I'm counting on tonight's TV lineup to give me a hint. It's looking like a Wednesday so I'm going with the Wednesday Night Bullet Post. If it's not Wednesday, I don't want to hear about it. I half think tomorrow is Friday and I am going to be disappointed enough without you telling me it's really next Tuesday. That would mean I've missed more than I thought...

*My staff was out at a training today.

*That meant I had to run the classroom all by my little lonesome.

*No problem. I can do that.

*I just don't get to go to the bathroom for 7 hours.

*I teach two different grades and they have different lunches so I always have kids in the room.

*I usually bribe them to be good with a movie on days when I'm alone.

*But they watched a movie on Monday so...

*To sum up: No bathroom. No other adults. Nothing but my sparkling wit and charm with which to distract a room full of behaviorally challenged teenagers.

*Thankfully, the training ended early and my Cheerful Teaching Assistant decided to come back to work rather than sneak home like I would have.

*Bless her. Bless her all over the place. Then do it again because I really had to pee by 11:00.

*I'm not knitting tonight because I'm too busy blessing my CTA and her willingness to come back to the classroom.

*Or, as I like to call it: The Belly Of The Beast.

*I wore a turtleneck today because it has been rather chilly of late.

*They even turned on the heat at school.

*It was sunny and 70 degrees by lunchtime.

*And the heat was still on.

*Let's recap again: Kids. No movie. Need for sparkling wit. Restrooms off limits. Turtleneck worn in the aforementioned Belly Of The Beast.

*Oh, and did I mention that we also had an evacuation drill?

*Should've gone to business school...

*The Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty and the Big, Fluffy Kitty have been fighting over a chair for two days now.

*It is a stupid fight because it is a very small chair and there are way better places to sit around here.

*They don't care. Sweet reason has no place in sibling rivalry.

*The AGK has the chair at the moment.

*Dinner time is coming. That means he'll have to move and we get to start all over again.

*This all serves to take my mind off my cold, though. That's nice.

*We're at the Blow Your Nose Every Ten Minutes And Wonder If You Just Snorted Out Actual Brain Matter stage of the festivities.

*That's usually the tail end of a cold for me so I'm hopeful for a healthy weekend.

*Good thing since I ran out of tissues Monday night. Frankly, that's the real reason I went back to work.

*Free tissues.

So, there you have it! Wednesday in a nutshell! I actually do have a knitting project in the works so I'll probably get in a little time with the sticks & string before the night is done. I just have one more hour or so of blessing the CTA and another few minutes of reassuring myself that it is really Wednesday. Then I'm all set!

Unless I have to settle another chair dispute...

SA

True Purpose

I arrived at school today still sniffling, but feeling much better. I anticipated being greeted by hordes of happy co-workers bearing words of welcome. I'm usually missed when I'm out for a day. I like to think that it's because of my sparkling personality but I suspect that it is more due to how the kids misbehave in my absence. Still, being missed is being missed.

However, instead of finding a crowd of well-wishers, I was greeted by Mrs. School Secretary Who Sits At The Back Desk. She did not look happy. She looked, dare I say, disgruntled.

Mrs. School Secretary Who Sits At The Back Desk: Well, I hope you're happy!

Ms. Sheep: Pretty much, I guess. I mean there's still world hunger and I'm bummed about how they took BBC America off my cable subscription. But, yeah. I'm generally fairly happy if I don't think about that stuff too much.

MSSWSATBD: Isn't that nice for you? Meanwhile Mrs. School Secretary Who Sits At The Front Desk saw Zombieland this weekend and you were out yesterday!

MS: So?

MSSWSATBD: Well, who do you think had to listen to her talk about it all day while you were lounging around at home?

MS: I was sick...

MSSWSATBD: Excuses, excuses!

MS: (hangs head) I'm sorry. It won't happen again.

Later that same day, I was trying to teach math. Math is never a good time in my classroom, but I bribe the kids with promises of computer games if they can give me thirty minutes of solid math time. This usually works. Today, though, The Stalker (who has followed me from 4th to 8th grade and through three different schools) was having some difficulty getting his assignment done.

Ms. Sheep: C'mon, Dude! You can do this! It's only been fifteen minutes and I need thirty. You're not going to make it at this rate.

The Stalker: This is not my fault.

MS: Failure to own one's behavior is not demonstrative of good character, my friend. Take some responsibility.

TS: But I saw Zombieland this weekend and you were out yesterday! We needed to talk about it before I started math. That took fifteen minutes!

MS: Fifteen minutes? Really? I could have sworn it was like three...

Clearly I serve a purpose in this school. It probably wasn't the purpose for which I was originally hired. In fact, I'd guess it is far from that purpose. But it's nice to have a niche so I don't complain. I did, however, happen to think about my conversation with the secretary that morning and decided to voice a concern:

Ms. Sheep: You know what? Last week, I got in trouble for talking about zombies in the office while you were working.

Mrs. School Secretary Who Works At The Back Desk: Correct.

MS: Then you got mad because I was talking about zombies in the office while you were out running errands.

MSSWWATBD: No. I got mad because you came into the office and stood over my empty desk saying, "zombie-zombie-zombie-zombie." Then you ran away in fear when I came back early from running errands.

MS: That was creepy. It was like you somehow knew I was there...

MSSWWATBD: I know all.

MS: And today you got mad at me because I wasn't here to talk about zombies at all yesterday! I don't see how I can possibly win this game!

MSSWWATBD: You can't. Because now I am mad at you for talking about zombies in the office again.

Knowing your purpose doesn't necessarily simplify your life. It's really more of an outline. You have to fill in the details as you go along. Figuring out how I can not talk about zombies in the office, get a full math class taught and still be available to talk about zombies when needed is going to be something of a detail nightmare. I'll keep working on it.

I've got the time. I'm starting up the holiday knitting that isn't ever going to be finished and I need to take my mind off all those looming deadlines.

SA

Guilt...I Think...Maybe Not...Or Perhaps...

I awoke this morning still stuffy and aching, but feeling markedly better than I did over the weekend. I almost didn't check my temperature, but I guess I had a little more time on my hands than is the norm. I was surprised to see that I did, in fact, have a slight fever. How very ironic!

The rule of thumb at school is this: If you have a fever, we do not want to see you. You are a plague-carrier and will strike us all down should you so much as breathe in the parking lot. Stay home and boil yourself until you can claim to be completely sterilized but not so much as to give yourself more of a fever because then you can't come to work.

I was scheduled to be at a workshop today, but it was on school property. I pondered the matter, but finally decided to take advantage of the rule. I didn't feel well. A day resting at home when I wasn't expected in my classroom anyway was something of a gift.

I turned on the computer and logged onto the district's Website Of Illness Documentation and entered my intentions. The Internet seemed satisfied that I was truly ill. I logged out of the site.

Next I went through a few million sites so I could log onto the web-based version of my school email. (I just can't seem to get the "real" version to load onto my home computer...) From there I emailed the person organizing the workshop to let her know that I wouldn't be there today. Just for good measure, I also emailed my director in case she showed up to take attendance. Since I was already on the site, I emailed everyone else I thought might be interested in my malaise. You never know who might be suddenly overtaken by the urge to send me a balloon bouquet...

Then I went back to bed because I was exhausted from all the energy it takes for a teacher to arrange a day of rest.

I awoke to discover that my fever had broken and the aches had subsided. I blew my nose forty times, then checked to see if any balloon bouquets were delivered during my morning's respite. There weren't any in evidence, but there is still time. Truth be told, I'm sort of re-thinking the whole balloon bouquet thing anyway. They take up a lot of space.

Checking my school email from home is a pain and, since it never contains good news, I rarely do this. But I was nervous about missing the training and wanted some reassurance that people weren't writing up my pink slip. All responses were very understanding and I was relieved. Then I opened the one from my principal. The one in boldface. That he marked "urgent" and sent to the entire staff. I kind of knew what it was. But I'd hoped for better.

It was as I'd feared. One of our colleagues passed away yesterday. This has been coming for a while now and we were prepared for the news. However, no one thought it would be quite this soon. This woman was a much loved member of the staff and a favorite of many students. The school has been providing meals for her family since last spring and last Friday's dance was a benefit to help out with medical costs. It is a loss of epic proportions.

And I barely knew her. My job isn't one that lets me get out and about very often. When I learned she was sick, I had to stop and think a minute before I could visualize her. If the situation was reversed, I suspect she would have needed the same minute to picture my face.

Now I sit in that awkward position of sadness, but not really feeling the impact in the same way as others. The building will be different when I go back tomorrow and I've emailed the principal to extend my condolences as well as offers of support. But I can't claim the same sorrow. This always makes me feel a bit guilty even though that is rather irrational.

You do what you can. And if you happen to be home sick when you get the bad emails, you do what you can from there. Which isn't much. With limited options, conflicting emotions and the need to do more than just sit, I did what made sense to me in the moment.

I spun.

I don't think my colleague knew I was a spinner. Most people with whom I work don't. But I think she would have appreciated it. She seemed like the type. She took an interest in my knitting that one time we were in a work group together. It's not out of the question to think that she might find spinning kind of cool.

I guess I'll never know. And that, I think, is the heart of the matter for me.

SA

In Sneeze Time

I felt pretty darned good on Thursday. I hadn't given it much thought until my Cheerful Teaching Assistant mentioned that she was exceptionally tired that day. That's when I realized that I was rather perky for a Thursday. In fact, so hale and hearty was I that I made a point of saying so. Because who doesn't like it when the conversation gets turned around to someone else's good fortune? I'm kind that way. I always like to take people's minds off their troubles.

My refreshing outlook on life continued after the school day was done. I stopped off at the local Department Store Of Never Ending Goods to pick up a few supplies and a movie for the kids to watch on Monday while I'm out at a training. I also found an emergency water purification system on the clearance rack. This, of course, has little to do with anything. I only mention it because:

1. It demonstrates that I was feeling good enough to peruse the clearance racks rather than just make my weary way home for the day

and

2. If one is the kind of person who would buy an emergency water purification system from the clearance rack then one is not going to miss an opportunity to mention it even if it doesn't have a darned thing to do with the story.

Once, home, I carried all my shopping bags, school paraphernalia and my over-stuffed purse up the stairs in one trip. I opened the door and deftly maneuvered around the Absurdly Gi-normous Kitty who was determined to trip me up for his afternoon entertainment. I set down my bags and, suddenly, I sneezed.

Just like that...I was sick.

Sneezes vary in duration. By comparison, this was a short one. It wasn't the kind where you stop dead in your tracks, raise your arms so you can flap your hands, crinkle your nose a few times in anticipation, announce to all and sundry, "I feel a sneeze coming on," and then go, "AH...AH...AHH......CHOOOOOOO!" But, just for the sake of argument, let's say it was that kind of sneeze. I still don't think that this is a reasonable amount of time in which to go from "perfectly well" to "sick enough to scare small children."

Apparently it is, though. Who knew?

That sneeze was followed by a billion more and I'm on my second box of tissues in as many days. I'm shivering and aching and not afraid to let everyone know this. When I arrived at school yesterday, I blamed all of the following in this order:

1. My Cheerful Teaching Assistant who sneezed the day before and covered her mouth with her hand instead of the crook of her elbow like we are supposed to.

2. The kid I call The Stalker because he has been in my class every year since fourth grade. He didn't much care that I blamed him and told me that I was mistaken because he never gets sick. I responded by licking my finger and rubbing it all over his pen. This seemed like a perfectly reasonable thing to do given that he called himself out sick just last week. Upon further consideration, though, I felt kind of badly about that and gave him candy. I'm supposed to be the mature one in the mix...

3. The school nurse because she gave my flu shot to some kid who probably didn't appreciate it like I would have.

I blamed these people and did so in my outside-my-head-voice. I don't care if I sound crazy. I have the plague and there will be suffering or my name isn't Needy, Whiny, Sheepish Annie!!!!! No one seemed all that concerned about my rampant laying of blame, though. I'm starting to get the impression I may have done this before and that it is no longer all that interesting.

It made me feel a little better, though. Not physically better, mind you. I'm dying here. But, on an emotional level, it was quite satisfying.

I've knit a little bit this weekend, but not much. Mostly, I've been enjoying the knitting of days past. More specifically, I've been rather grateful to my new hot water bottle cozy. When you are all shivery and miserable, there is nothing quite like a soothing hot water bottle nestled in its own little jacket. I don't even mind the dangling threads I haven't yet trimmed off the buttons. That minor detail doesn't affect the operation of a hot water bottle one little bit.

It took me a week or so to knit a hot water bottle cozy. It is going to take me considerably longer to knit the simple hat I'm working on. But a killer cold? That's quick and easy to achieve.

In sneeze time, anyway...

SA

Wednesday Isn't Tuesday And That Is Good

Monday was a holiday so that made Tuesday our Monday. Tuesday follows Monday during a normal week, but this week Tuesday is really Wednesday. Oddly enough, tomorrow is still Thursday no matter how the week began. I suppose that could get confusing, but it really makes sense if you think about how the "beginning of the week adjustment time" factors into the whole thing. All you really have to know is that it is Wednesday (sort of) and that it is time for the Wednesday Night Bullet Post! Here we go!

*I'm knitting a hat. I just thought you'd like to know that.

*I don't know if I will finish a hat, but that is something we will worry about down the road.

*For now it is enough to know that needles are moving.

*The schedules at school today were, once again, completely messed up.

*Yesterday, half the kids went to the wrong lunch.

*Today, the other half went to their "specials" while the rest went to their academic blocks like they were supposed to. No one got the email that reminded us to remember that email from a month ago which was designed to refresh our memories regarding the schedule changes that would be implemented during 7th grade state assessments.

*There have been several emails sent out over the past two days to help us remember the five tons of information we need in order to deal with state assessments.

*No one can remember all of it. Half can remember a third of it. But of that half, at least a quarter can't remember all of it. An eighth of that information is useless anyway.

*Hopefully, there will be no fractions on the math portion of the test because I doubt we taught any of that stuff right.

*The state isn't so hot with fractions either. Or with whole numbers for that matter.

*Great, huge, whacking chunks of money that we were supposed to get this year are no longer coming.

*We received another email today letting us know that all budgets are frozen. We are only allowed to spend for emergency purposes.

*At the bottom of the memo was a clarification regarding what the districts defines as an emergency.

*"Think: Handing Over Your Firstborn Child As Payment."

*I wish I was kidding. That is almost word for word what the email said.

*I do not have children.

*I am, however, a firstborn child.

*Hence, I think I am safe in assuming that the handing off of a firstborn is unpleasant.

*I almost responded to the email asking if this was correct or if people who didn't have children were exempt from the spending restrictions.

*I rethought that reply.

*The mood around the school district is kind of grim right now and I doubt that certain forms of humor will be appreciated.

*Mr. Principal is pretty stressed out due to all the scheduling problems and probably won't defend my witty emails.

*He said he had a stomach ache today when I asked how he was doing and looked very, very sad.

*Even his normally jaunty moustache was kind of droopy.

*I also didn't get any chocolate from him like I did yesterday.

*Sad, broke, droopy-moustached, no-chocolate principal...

*Maybe I should give him chocolate.

*But then Mr. Assistant Principal would want some. Then the secretaries would get wind of the sweet deals being made with Ms. Sheep and the whole thing would probably snowball from there.

*I'll have to think about the chocolate thing...

*Did I mention I'm knitting a hat?

*Hats are nice, even if they never get finished.

*Maybe I can sell unfinished hats for a living after they shut down the school due to lack of funds, working schedules and chocolate.

There is nothing quite like a Tuesday/Wednesday! You go through the whole day thinking it's only the second of the workweek and that you still have three more days of looking at a sad principal who can't let you spend any money. Unless it is taped to your firstborn child, that is.

But then you realize there are really only two!

SA